Brazil Solves Our Florida Problem

Miami, FL – A new report shows wealthy Brazilians are buying up cheap land in Florida.

“The sooner we can get a foothold, the better,” said a Brazilian general. “It’s only a matter of time before we conquer this ‘America’ and fight our true enemy: Canada.” He spit on the ground before adding, “their blood is as cold as their delicious beer.”

“Finally, someone decided to buy America’s appendix,” said a White House official. “Boy, we really had to sweeten the pot, too. Turns out the Brazilians feast on the bones of the elderly, so we have to build ten more retirement communities before the end of the year. It’s worth it though, so worth it.”

State officials call the purchases “confusing”, “why would anyone want to come here? We can’t vote, we can’t drive and we’re always screwing something up” and “see, we wanted to just send that to our State Assembly and instead we cc’d America. Oh well.”

“Why are people complaining?” asked an American. “Isn’t this how a global economy works? As one nation’s economy stalls it sells to an emerging economy and they both rise.” He shrugged before adding, “plus, we’re getting rid of Florida. Good riddance, I say.”

Report filed by Editor at 12:01 pm