London, UK – Britain has voted to leave the European Union, a historic decision sure to reshape the nation’s place in the world, rattle the Continent and rock political establishments throughout the West.
“We’re all doomed!” yelled an EU spokeswoman. “People of the EU, take your cyanide pills now and- hold on. Did they ever convert to Euros? Oh, okay. But did they follow our laws and statutes- oh. Okay, so… no, Bill, spit it out. We’re fine.”
“I’m sick of keeping calm!” yelled a Brit as she punched a signpost. “And I’m done carrying on! We’re [expletive deleted]ing free! We’re finally free to do what we want!” She took a few deep breaths, then asked, “so… ummmm, what now?”
“Now that the British are out, we can, you know, do more stuff,” said a Spanish politician. “I donno, like… hold on, they left a manual thingy when they left before… no, we can do this! We’re not the stupidheads of the- damn, caught my sleeve in the desk.”
The EU called the Brexit “super annoying for a Friday”, “yes, it’s important that people know the nation of the United Kingdom ruined our summer Friday” and “come on, it’s Friday, people. This totally feels like a Tuesday thing, right? Nah, it’s too on the nose for a Monday. Ugh, am I right?”
“Looks like we have a big decision ahead of us,” said a representative from Andorra. “Should we Andrexit or… no? Okay, that was- okay. Sorry. Do people even know where Andorra is? Hello?”