London, UK – It’s been seven years and millions of dollars in the making, but the colossal report on Britain’s role in the Iraq war will finally be published tomorrow.
“Spoiler alert: we shouldn’t have gone,” said an English official. “Also, double spoiler alert: we shouldn’t have spent millions of dollars and seven years to determine we shouldn’t have gone. And, of course, triple spoiler alert: we’re going to need more money to investigate if this finding was a waste, spoiler alert: yes, spoiler alert: of course.”
“Our minds are made up,” said an Iraqi official. “You shouldn’t invade. Please use your time machine and fix this.” After a very long pause he added, “you don’t have a time machine, do you? Ah, then you were right to imply that you did have one so we would give up. Well played, Americans, well played.”
The Brits also intend to “figure out if Brexit was good by 2055”, “assess if having an empire was beneficial by 2299” and “discover if space is ‘real’ by the year 68,000. Yes, we should totally know by then. No, we’re not joking.”
“Does it matter?” asked a person. “We’ve already spent the money. We’ve already killed the people. The people have already rioted and destroyed their things. We’ve killed more of them and they’ve killed some of us. So why does it matter? No, future generations will have knee-jerk reactions to other things and not care about this reaction. Whatever.”