Burger King Moves Out Of US, US Sues For Visitation Rights

Toronto, Canada – Burger King’s move to acquire the Canadian restaurant chain Tim Hortons would give the US fast food giant a major presence north of the border and decrease its taxes by a few billion.

“That’s not fair!” screamed a White House official. “They can’t just use the law to benefit themselves! They have to pay more money because they’re successful! Come on, idiotic poor people, rouse yourselves from your gin hangovers, smoke a quick joint, and join us! Let us kill the rich! They deserve it! They’re making money! Kill them all!”

“Mission accomplished,” said a lobbyist as he sat on a gold toilet. “And make no mistake, this isn’t just gilded. This is pure gold. Some economists estimate the overall value of this toilet at just over fifty nine million.” After relieving himself he added, “mission accomplished.”

Canada called the purchase “great”, “we get more tax money, save their company tax money, and cultivate a friendly business climate. Plus you guys get cheap food. Are there any losers in this deal? Well, your government should do a better job at budgeting.”

“What?” screamed an obese man. “I won’t stand by and eat from a- hold on.” After giving a rather large order he added, “now, where was I? Oh, right. This food doesn’t adversely effect anyone and I challenge any healthy person to- what was I saying? Oh, right. Death to France!”

Don’t Freak Out, But The Market Is Going To Crash

New York, NY – According to research by a financial consultant, US stocks are now about eighty percent overvalued on certain key long-term measures. “There’s a really, really, really, really, wait… how many was that?” asked market expert Dan Rendrick. “Seven? Yeah, I’m pretty good with numbers. I’m a trader, after all. No, not like, ‘I hate America,’ just… can we start over? Great. Now, ...

Stocks Will Continue To Rise Forever And Ever

New York, NY – US stocks rose today, lifting the Dow industrials above seventeen thousand points, after the government reported the economy created a better-than-expected jobs for June. “Yeah, that’s why,” said a Treasury Department spokesman. “It’s not because we artificially inflated the economy for a decade or anything.” He put his face in his hands and sobbed, “we saved America and no one cares. ...

GM Admits They Can’t Make A Car, Can Make A Really Good Sandwich

Detroit, MI – General Motors is recalling over seven and a half million more vehicles dating back to 1997 to fix faulty ignition switches as the company’s safety crisis continues to grow. “First of all, we really, really, really want to thank you for bailing us out,” said a GM executive. “I mean, really classy ...

Take That, Whites!

Los Angeles, CA – The L.A. Weekly posted an article that suggested white people in Los Angeles are underrepresented as a percentage of overall bus passengers due to government-sponsored discrimination. “You never get to complain,” said a minority. “Ever! We get to discriminate against you until the western world crumbles and you gotta take it. ...

Major Financial Indicator Indicates Major Financial Problem

New York, NY – Experts claim a financial fear barometer (the VIX) has hit an all-time new high. “Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God!” said a trader as he danced in place, shaking his arms. “It’s happening. It’s really happening. Oh, no, I’m just reacting to [accountant] Robert finally proposing to [payables] ...

EU Negates Interest Rates With New ‘Hey, Something’s Gotta Work’ Economic Plan

Paris, France – The European Central Bank has introduced a raft of measures aimed at stimulating the eurozone economy, including negative interest rates and cheap long-term loans to banks. “We’re in the business of making people do what we want them to do,” said a European diplomat. “This extends to all aspects of our citizen’s ...

American Dream Turns Into American Nightmare

Kansas City, KS – According to a poll, young adults are most likely to feel the American Dream is unattainable, with almost two thirds saying it’s impossible. “The Great Recession as taught us one thing: the previous American success was a fluke,” said an economist. “Or, it was built on a free market system with ...