New York, NY – Brent crude fell to a fresh four year low before recovering to around eighty four dollars a barrel, as faltering global growth curbed demand for fuel at a time of heavy oversupply.
“The market wasn’t designed for this!” screamed an investor. “It’s supposed to go up! Always up! We can’t have fluctuations! We need government intervention! Pump up prices! Increase tariffs! Spend billions of taxpayer money! Do something, the market is correcting itself! Hurry!”
“No!” said an OPEC representative. “If we don’t hold oil over their heads, they’ll stop tolerating our barbaric eighth century religious practices!” He began pacing, adding, “they’ll pull the curtain back on our despotic ways! This isn’t happening! Maybe a quick beheading will calm me down.”
The US Natural Gas Association called the drop “our greatest achievement to date”, “well, tricking everyone to use natural gas instead of the Earth’s supply of a quadrillion gallons of crude oil was our greatest achievement, but this is really up there” and “ugh, did you just cut one? Just kidding! Gas!”
“I’m glad I don’t have to pay so much for oil this winter,” said an elderly man. “But I’m saddened my portfolio has taken a hit.” He took a deep breath, adding, “you just can’t win at life. That’s what I want the world to know: you just can’t win.” He shuffled away, humming some song from the 50s.