Lobster Prices Slightly Increase, Collapsing Dollar

Augusta, ME – Lobster fishermen say the 2014 season appears to have resulted in a lower catch than the previous two years, which translates to slightly higher prices for consumers.

“We thought we’d get five and a half million this year,” said lobsterman Greg Athrop. “But we’ve only caught five million.” He sighed, adding, “looks like my kids aren’t going to eat this year. Well, except for lobster. Yeah, three square meals of lobster a day. Poor bastards.”

“It still says ‘market,'” said first-time diner Marc ‘with a C’ Brutherworth. “Excuse me, stewardess? How does- what? Oh, so I’m supposed to sit on the chair and put my feet on the table? Then where should I put my feet? How is ‘nowhere’ an option? No, I will not leave! Help! Racist! Help!”

The American Crab Association (ACA) called the news “overly dramatic”, “you don’t see us complaining during the Great Crab Blight of ’07, do you?” and “oh, you didn’t notice? How convenient, and insulting! Crab harvests were down almost four percent! How could you not have noticed? Okay. Yes. No, we get- oh. Ah. Really? Even during the holidays? Oh. Well then we really overly represented our position in the global market.”

“I’m not really a lobster person,” said a woman. “I mean, I live in Ohio. The only lobster I get is from Red Lobster and people constantly tell me that’s not lobster. Okay, then why is it so delicious? Yeah, it is a convincing argument. That’s why I was assistant coach on my high school debate team.”

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