Crude Oil Drops, Refined Oil Drops And Has The Manners To Excuse Itself

New York, NY – Brent crude fell to a fresh four year low before recovering to around eighty four dollars a barrel, as faltering global growth curbed demand for fuel at a time of heavy oversupply.

“The market wasn’t designed for this!” screamed an investor. “It’s supposed to go up! Always up! We can’t have fluctuations! We need government intervention! Pump up prices! Increase tariffs! Spend billions of taxpayer money! Do something, the market is correcting itself! Hurry!”

“No!” said an OPEC representative. “If we don’t hold oil over their heads, they’ll stop tolerating our barbaric eighth century religious practices!” He began pacing, adding, “they’ll pull the curtain back on our despotic ways! This isn’t happening! Maybe a quick beheading will calm me down.”

The US Natural Gas Association called the drop “our greatest achievement to date”, “well, tricking everyone to use natural gas instead of the Earth’s supply of a quadrillion gallons of crude oil was our greatest achievement, but this is really up there” and “ugh, did you just cut one? Just kidding! Gas!”

“I’m glad I don’t have to pay so much for oil this winter,” said an elderly man. “But I’m saddened my portfolio has taken a hit.” He took a deep breath, adding, “you just can’t win at life. That’s what I want the world to know: you just can’t win.” He shuffled away, humming some song from the 50s.

Alaska Feels Economic Anxiety, Production Depression, Employment Elation

Anchorage, AK – As election season looms, many Alaskans are feeling the stress of economic anxiety. “This isn’t a thing we just made up,” said an editor of a major online news outlet. “It’s real. We talked about it all morning and now it’s a thing, so don’t you come in here saying we’re just making things up because we had to fill a thousand ...

Recalling Car Recalls, Recalled

Detroit, MI – Chrysler said it will recall about three hundred fifty thousand vehicles from the 2008 model year because of a condition that may cause the ignition key to get stuck or inadvertently move. “Yeah, we kinda screwed up,” said an executive. “I mean, in the hectic rush to pump out the exact same car as last year, we included the same exact problems.” ...

Checking Work Emails Will Kill You

Berlin, Germany – German researchers studying the effects of people taking their work home with them at night or on weekends found that the workers were plagued by a host of issues, including cardiovascular problems, insomnia, headaches, muscular issues, fatigue, anxiety, and stomach problems. “But I have to know if [name omitted] received my email ...

Apple Dominates Everything, Everyone, Snobby Hipsters

San Francisco, CA – Apple says it sold more than ten million iPhone 6 and 6 Plus models, a record for a new model, in the three days after the phones went on sale. “Our plan is working perfectly,” said an Apple executive. “Soon we will rule the- what? How big is the market-share that ...

Google Finally Takes Complete Control Of World

San Francisco, CA – Google’s seemingly limitless ambition has seen the company take on drones, self-driving cars and even the problem of aging, but the company’s founders have even grander plans: to build cities and airports. “It’s about time,” said a flustered city official. “I can’t figure out how to make a city work.” He ...

Americans Get High At Work To Keep Pace With Faltering Europe, Oppressive Asian Markets

Atlanta, GA – A new report has found nearly one and ten Americans are showing up to work high on marijuana. “We’re shocked that workers aren’t taking their responsibilities seriously,” said a fast food shift manager. “These guys need to be on their A game, what with the pressures of flipping burgers, sorta taking orders, ...

Olive Garden Giving Away Too Many Breadsticks, Bemoan Investors

Little Rock, AR – In a nearly three hundred page treatise on what’s wrong with Olive Garden and its management, a hedge fund suggests the Italian restaurant chain is being reckless with its unlimited breadsticks. “You can’t keep giving breadsticks away!” screamed an investor. “It’s just not good business! You never give anything to anyone ...