IRS Apologizes For Ruining Law-Abiding Business, But It Really Felt Forced

Washington DC – Pressured by Congress, the IRS said it is changing its policies and apologizing for seizing banks accounts from otherwise law-abiding business owners simply because they structured bank transactions to avoid federal reporting requirements.

“Fine, we’re sorry, okay?” yelled an IRS agent. “What more do you want? We said we’re sorry!” He crossed his arms and pouted. After a while he took a breath, ran over to our reporter, and said, “I’m sorry. I’m all better now. Can we go play? Great! Let’s seize any business that looks conservative. I’ll go first!”

“How could one government office have so much power?” asked a Supreme Court Justice. “That’s insane. Only Congress should have that sort of sway in the political- what? What’s so funny? My robe? Is it my robe? I have to wear it. We voted, either robes or name tags. What?”

The IRS also apologized for “bulling people weaker than us”, “talking a big game when we’re just accounting weenies” and “enough! The time for apologizes is over! The time for conquering has returned! To the killing room! Yes, that’s the place with all the adding machines.”

“They destroyed my business and I’ll never recover,” said a businessman. “Well, I’ll recover, it’s just I have about a million hours of paperwork and no time to do it. Well, I’ll get it done, it’s just super annoying.” After a long pause he added, “well… no, that’s as far as I’m gonna walk this back.”

Six Billion Dollar Deal Finally ‘Back In Stock’

New York, NY – Staples announced today it would spend about six billion dollars to buy Office Depot. “We’re simply looking to buy everyone and be the sole supplier of everything,” said a company spokeswoman. “What’s wrong with that? Oh, so you’re a communist? You think we should all make exactly the same money? No, that is what you’re saying! You’re saying we should destroy ...

Rude Post Office Workers Cost USPS Millions, Ruins Normally Fun Post Office Experience

Washington DC – According to an audit by the Office of Inspector General (OIG), the US Postal Service‚Äôs (USPS) rude employees could cost the government two hundred eighty eight million dollars in lost revenue. “What?” exclaimed a Postal Delivery Person. “First of all, you look like something an elephant crapped out after eating a crap sandwich. Secondly, I urinated on your mail. Thirdly, go [long ...

Craigslist Is Killing America

St. Paul, MN – According to a recent study by the University of Minnesota published in MIS Quarterly, cruising for sex on Craigslist personal ads resulted in an almost sixteen percent increase in HIV infections after the website entered various US markets. “Our goal was to give guys named Craig a place to vent,” said ...

Several Bankers Died Last Year Making 2014 The Most Suspicious Banker Death Year To Date

Paris, France – Thirty six prominent European bankers died in 2014, and another has now died in 2015. “It’s almost as if someone is picking off the banker of the world one by one,” said a man. “How long before we’re out of bankers? What? How many? Oh, so at thirty six a year that ...

Apple Crushes Competition Like Apples For Cider

San Francisco, CA – Apple’s quarterly results smashed Wall Street expectations with record sales of big-screen iPhones in the holiday shopping season and a seventy percent rise in China sales, powering the company to the largest profit in corporate history. “Now you see the power of non-stop entertainment!” screamed a high-ranking Apple employee. “You can’t ...

Stocks Tumble After Realizing December Kinda Sucked

New York, NY – Stocks took a nosedive after data on long-lasting durable goods showed business spending plans fell for a fourth straight month in December. “Oh my God!” exclaimed a trader. “Things were really bad a month ago. That must mean that things are doubly bad now! Oh my God! And we didn’t even ...

Oil Prices Slide Like Leaked Oil Down Oil Speculator’s Heads

New York, NY – An activist investor claims the price of oil will go lower as supply and demand remain unbalanced. “Can you believe it?” asked a guy at the pump. “It’s like we’re back in the early 2000s.” He froze, adding, “oh my God. Someone’s gotta tell the mayor that they’re going to attack ...