San Francisco, CA – Apple chief executive Tim Cook announced he is “proud to be gay” in a first-person story published today by Bloomberg Businessweek.
“What?” screamed Anthony James Walting from his couch. “So I get fired for telling one story about how I love to go to bars, pick up drunk chicks, and [crude sexual description omitted] and this guy keeps his job?” He threw half of his sandwich at the television, then added, “damn it, that was brunch. Can you- oh, I don’t care if you use your hands. Thanks.”
“No!” screamed a gay man. “Now that the most powerful man in the most powerful industry on earth is gay, we have absolutely nothing to rial against. Sure, it’s an inspiration, but we have to constantly be the victim! We won’t be marginalized! Oh my God. What do I do? What do I do? Live in quiet dignity? Never!”
Gay rights groups around the nation called the move “confusing”, “we already new this, right?” and “so you’re telling us the news reported this years ago when it wasn’t true? What else are you hiding from us? Really? The whole moon thing was faked? Crazy.”
“Yeah, I don’t care,” said a man at an Apple store. “I’m going to buy whatever product I deem is the best and most closely fits my personal needs.” He shrugged, adding, “and if you have a problem when I use Firefox wilst eating Chick-fil-A, then you have way too much time on your hands. Get a job.”