Tampa, FL – The FBI has opened a probe into trading losses at JPMorgan Chase, stepping up the pressure on the bank after the US Securities and Exchange Commission and the Federal Reserve said they were also looking into the wrong-way bets that led to the losses.
“It’s our duty to investigate this bank,” said an agent. “It’s illegal to take risks with money, it’s illegal to hedge your bets with insurance and it’s illegal to take on risky loans. What? It’s not. Are you sure? Really?” He pointed to the hogtied executives and shouted, “you’re free to go” before running out of the boardroom.
“Weeeeeee!” shouted a banker as he slid down a spiral golden slide into an Olympic pool filled with hundred dollar bills and scantily clad women. “We only lost a fraction of the money we made selling crappy loans! We’re still richer than anyone can dream! Come on, girls, let’s do a line of pure gold. It’ll stay in your bloodstream until you die!”
The FDIC called the probe “stupid”, “dude, it’s not a loss. We can just print more money. That’s the point of insurance” and “no, we haven’t though this through. Why should we worry about China’s problem. Oh, believe us, it’s their problem now.”
“Technically, it’s my money,” said an American taxpayer. “I mean, I paid to bail them out, so I should have a say in how they conduct their business. You might say I hold some sort of ‘stock’ in what they do.” He cleared his throat before adding, “so, can I have a say? Umm, you shouldn’t say no until I finish the- okay, stop saying no. Stop.”
