Paris, France – Thirty six prominent European bankers died in 2014, and another has now died in 2015.
“It’s almost as if someone is picking off the banker of the world one by one,” said a man. “How long before we’re out of bankers? What? How many? Oh, so at thirty six a year that means we’ll be out of bankers by… hold on, fifteen thousand five hundred twenty? Wait, can people become a banker? Like, learn it? Oh. Then kill away.”
“Yes, a mystery,” said a CIA agent. “It’s almost as if the high-profile bankers of countries who don’t agree with US policy are dying for no apparent reason what-so-ever.” He rolled his eyes, adding, “yes, it was us. Just go along with what we say! Jesus, is that so hard? Oh. Then take that shovel and start digging.”
The International Brotherhood of Bankers called the deaths “suspicious”, “shouldn’t we live forever? Wasn’t that Satan’s promise to all who enter corporate finance?” and “we’re going to charge you for the full hour. Yeah, that’s how we work now.”
“There’s no mystery,” said a scientist. “They die because they work a high-stress job that requires hours of sitting.” He shrugged, adding, “the real mystery is how you got into this lab without wearing a containment suit. No, no, this is good. We were curious to see how long it took for the virus to melt a live human.”