Google Finally Takes Complete Control Of World

San Francisco, CA – Google’s seemingly limitless ambition has seen the company take on drones, self-driving cars and even the problem of aging, but the company’s founders have even grander plans: to build cities and airports.

“It’s about time,” said a flustered city official. “I can’t figure out how to make a city work.” He swiveled from his computer, adding, “these Sims games have gotten way too hard. Remember Sim City 2000? Now there was an economy I could understand.”

“Umm, don’t worry, we got this,” said an FAA official. “No one can run an airport better than an agency who has to answer to a constantly changing government whilst being lobbied by airline companies and all the while has to pay outrageous costs to their employees who deliver sub-par work? Us, that’s who!”

Other tech companies promised “building more brothels”, “brothels? You bet we can build more of those!” and “almost ninety percent of the internet is porn, so yes, we hear you and we’ll build more brothels.”

“Honestly, we’re just trying to make things better,” said a Google officer. “Personally, I see a lot of waste in our governing system, a lot of inefficiency, and who better than a massive corporation to help sort it all out.” After clearing his throat he whispered, “they’re watching us. Play along.”

Americans Get High At Work To Keep Pace With Faltering Europe, Oppressive Asian Markets

Atlanta, GA – A new report has found nearly one and ten Americans are showing up to work high on marijuana. “We’re shocked that workers aren’t taking their responsibilities seriously,” said a fast food shift manager. “These guys need to be on their A game, what with the pressures of flipping burgers, sorta taking orders, and getting high. Oh, right, that’s literally part of their ...

Olive Garden Giving Away Too Many Breadsticks, Bemoan Investors

Little Rock, AR – In a nearly three hundred page treatise on what’s wrong with Olive Garden and its management, a hedge fund suggests the Italian restaurant chain is being reckless with its unlimited breadsticks. “You can’t keep giving breadsticks away!” screamed an investor. “It’s just not good business! You never give anything to anyone without making them pay for it, either monetarily or otherwise. ...

Burger King Moves Out Of US, US Sues For Visitation Rights

Toronto, Canada – Burger King’s move to acquire the Canadian restaurant chain Tim Hortons would give the US fast food giant a major presence north of the border and decrease its taxes by a few billion. “That’s not fair!” screamed a White House official. “They can’t just use the law to benefit themselves! They have ...

Don’t Freak Out, But The Market Is Going To Crash

New York, NY – According to research by a financial consultant, US stocks are now about eighty percent overvalued on certain key long-term measures. “There’s a really, really, really, really, wait… how many was that?” asked market expert Dan Rendrick. “Seven? Yeah, I’m pretty good with numbers. I’m a trader, after all. No, not like, ...

Stocks Will Continue To Rise Forever And Ever

New York, NY – US stocks rose today, lifting the Dow industrials above seventeen thousand points, after the government reported the economy created a better-than-expected jobs for June. “Yeah, that’s why,” said a Treasury Department spokesman. “It’s not because we artificially inflated the economy for a decade or anything.” He put his face in his ...

GM Admits They Can’t Make A Car, Can Make A Really Good Sandwich

Detroit, MI – General Motors is recalling over seven and a half million more vehicles dating back to 1997 to fix faulty ignition switches as the company’s safety crisis continues to grow. “First of all, we really, really, really want to thank you for bailing us out,” said a GM executive. “I mean, really classy ...

Take That, Whites!

Los Angeles, CA – The L.A. Weekly posted an article that suggested white people in Los Angeles are underrepresented as a percentage of overall bus passengers due to government-sponsored discrimination. “You never get to complain,” said a minority. “Ever! We get to discriminate against you until the western world crumbles and you gotta take it. ...