Chocolate Shortage To Kill Billions

Hershey, PA – Mars announced because less cocoa is being produced as more and more people are devouring chocolate, there might be a chocolate shortage.

“What?” screamed a woman. “That’s the only way I can survive my monthly lady time!” As she threw a lamp against the wall she bellowed, “no! It’s not happening right now! This is my normal time! They say I’m a medical anomaly, which is why I though you were here.” She started crying, adding, “why won’t you love me?”

“Ah, that ol’ one,” said a De Beers worker. “The airlines did it, the oil nations did it, and now Hershey’s is doing it.” He lit a cigar with a diamond, adding, “welcome to ultra-richness, friends. Oh, a piece of advice: build jails in your factory basements. Believe me, you’re gonna need em.”

Mars also warned “race riots are sure to break out unless we address inequality in America and stop reinforcing a majority oppressor/minority victim mentality”, “fun new flavors of NECCO┬« Wafers!” and “we don’t? Oh. Well, this is out of character, but you should eat those too. They’re so good!”

“I’m sure they won’t let that happen,” said a child. “After all, why would you start a business based on one sole item that’s produced in unreliable foreign factories? I’m sorry, but I think Mars stock should drop ten percent in the next week. Sell now or hold it for the long haul. Yes, I’m a child. It’s not complicated.”

America Straight Up Gives Up

Washington DC – According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, the largest group of people not in the labor force are those who don’t want a job, a remarkable statement on the nation’s work ethic. “No, this is good,” said a White House official. “Because it makes it look like unemployment is down when it’s through the roof! Don’t you get it? It makes us ...

CEO Not Fired For Publicly Disclosing Sexual Orientation

San Francisco, CA – Apple chief executive Tim Cook announced he is “proud to be gay” in a first-person story published today by Bloomberg Businessweek. “What?” screamed Anthony James Walting from his couch. “So I get fired for telling one story about how I love to go to bars, pick up drunk chicks, and [crude sexual description omitted] and this guy keeps his job?” He ...

Crude Oil Drops, Refined Oil Drops And Has The Manners To Excuse Itself

New York, NY – Brent crude fell to a fresh four year low before recovering to around eighty four dollars a barrel, as faltering global growth curbed demand for fuel at a time of heavy oversupply. “The market wasn’t designed for this!” screamed an investor. “It’s supposed to go up! Always up! We can’t have ...

Alaska Feels Economic Anxiety, Production Depression, Employment Elation

Anchorage, AK – As election season looms, many Alaskans are feeling the stress of economic anxiety. “This isn’t a thing we just made up,” said an editor of a major online news outlet. “It’s real. We talked about it all morning and now it’s a thing, so don’t you come in here saying we’re just ...

Recalling Car Recalls, Recalled

Detroit, MI – Chrysler said it will recall about three hundred fifty thousand vehicles from the 2008 model year because of a condition that may cause the ignition key to get stuck or inadvertently move. “Yeah, we kinda screwed up,” said an executive. “I mean, in the hectic rush to pump out the exact same ...

Checking Work Emails Will Kill You

Berlin, Germany – German researchers studying the effects of people taking their work home with them at night or on weekends found that the workers were plagued by a host of issues, including cardiovascular problems, insomnia, headaches, muscular issues, fatigue, anxiety, and stomach problems. “But I have to know if [name omitted] received my email ...

Apple Dominates Everything, Everyone, Snobby Hipsters

San Francisco, CA – Apple says it sold more than ten million iPhone 6 and 6 Plus models, a record for a new model, in the three days after the phones went on sale. “Our plan is working perfectly,” said an Apple executive. “Soon we will rule the- what? How big is the market-share that ...