Don’t Freak Out, But The Market Is Going To Crash

New York, NY – According to research by a financial consultant, US stocks are now about eighty percent overvalued on certain key long-term measures.

“There’s a really, really, really, really, wait… how many was that?” asked market expert Dan Rendrick. “Seven? Yeah, I’m pretty good with numbers. I’m a trader, after all. No, not like, ‘I hate America,’ just… can we start over? Great. Now, there’s a really-” He swung to his computer, hit a few keys, then screamed, “we’re doomed!”

“Don’t panic, everything is going to be fine,” said a Treasury Department officer. “We still have several ways to manipulate our currency and keep the world dependent on us.” After a laugh he added, “but, if you disagree, we help you make up your mind with a light droning.”

The EU called the bubble “troubling, in a larger sense”, “no, larger than that” and “yeah, but on a larger scale. No, think bigger. Yes, now you’ve got it!”

“So what can I do?” asked a man invested in the market. “Okay, but if we all pull out, won’t stocks lose value and cause a crash? So, hold on, this entire system is based on rumor and implication? No, because every time there’s a panic it’s over nothing. No, nothing. Jesus, is this the best we can do? Well, that’s disappointing.”

Stocks Will Continue To Rise Forever And Ever

New York, NY – US stocks rose today, lifting the Dow industrials above seventeen thousand points, after the government reported the economy created a better-than-expected jobs for June. “Yeah, that’s why,” said a Treasury Department spokesman. “It’s not because we artificially inflated the economy for a decade or anything.” He put his face in his hands and sobbed, “we saved America and no one cares. ...

GM Admits They Can’t Make A Car, Can Make A Really Good Sandwich

Detroit, MI – General Motors is recalling over seven and a half million more vehicles dating back to 1997 to fix faulty ignition switches as the company’s safety crisis continues to grow. “First of all, we really, really, really want to thank you for bailing us out,” said a GM executive. “I mean, really classy move. Unfortunately, we kinda have been putting things off, you ...

Take That, Whites!

Los Angeles, CA – The L.A. Weekly posted an article that suggested white people in Los Angeles are underrepresented as a percentage of overall bus passengers due to government-sponsored discrimination. “You never get to complain,” said a minority. “Ever! We get to discriminate against you until the western world crumbles and you gotta take it. ...

Major Financial Indicator Indicates Major Financial Problem

New York, NY – Experts claim a financial fear barometer (the VIX) has hit an all-time new high. “Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God!” said a trader as he danced in place, shaking his arms. “It’s happening. It’s really happening. Oh, no, I’m just reacting to [accountant] Robert finally proposing to [payables] ...

EU Negates Interest Rates With New ‘Hey, Something’s Gotta Work’ Economic Plan

Paris, France – The European Central Bank has introduced a raft of measures aimed at stimulating the eurozone economy, including negative interest rates and cheap long-term loans to banks. “We’re in the business of making people do what we want them to do,” said a European diplomat. “This extends to all aspects of our citizen’s ...

American Dream Turns Into American Nightmare

Kansas City, KS – According to a poll, young adults are most likely to feel the American Dream is unattainable, with almost two thirds saying it’s impossible. “The Great Recession as taught us one thing: the previous American success was a fluke,” said an economist. “Or, it was built on a free market system with ...

President Curbs Energy Production

Washington DC – In a move already meeting stiff resistance from powerful energy industry groups, the Obama administration formally announced a proposal that would slash carbon emissions at existing power plants by thirty percent by 2030, compared with 2005 levels. “The best thing we could do is go back to never using energy,” said a ...