Washington DC – US employers hired more workers than expected in November and the jobless rate fell to a five-year low of seven percent, raising chances the Federal Reserve will start ratcheting back its bond-buying stimulus sooner rather than later.
“Unemployment is down?” asked a stock trader. “Then we’re in the clear! Buy, buy, buy! What? The Fed is going to ease stimulus? Sell, sell, sell! Hold on, is [fellow trader] John taking an early lunch? Put, put, put! Also, call, call, call!” He wiped the sweat from his brow, adding, “whew, that was close.”
“A ton of us are still unemployed,” said an unemployed man. “We just got booted from collecting unemployment checks. We still don’t have a job. I donno, like, a few million. Is there a way to calculate us? So you just assume we have jobs since we’re not getting checks? Wow. And you get paid to do this analysis? Hmmm. Can I have a job? Great!”
The Office of Unemployment did not immediately return our phone calls, but their outbound message did say “there is no one here to take your call”, “please do not leave a message, as there is no one here to receive it” and “we’re all unemployed. This isn’t a joke. Please hang up.”
“This whole thing is a lie!” exclaimed a teen. “These numbers are the U3 numbers! That’s not mathematically accurate at all!” He rolled his eyes, adding, “this is why I sell pot, okay? This. Fine, it’s a pretty flimsy argument, but… whatever, you gonna buy or what? Great.”