New York, NY – According to research by a financial consultant, US stocks are now about eighty percent overvalued on certain key long-term measures.
“There’s a really, really, really, really, wait… how many was that?” asked market expert Dan Rendrick. “Seven? Yeah, I’m pretty good with numbers. I’m a trader, after all. No, not like, ‘I hate America,’ just… can we start over? Great. Now, there’s a really-” He swung to his computer, hit a few keys, then screamed, “we’re doomed!”
“Don’t panic, everything is going to be fine,” said a Treasury Department officer. “We still have several ways to manipulate our currency and keep the world dependent on us.” After a laugh he added, “but, if you disagree, we help you make up your mind with a light droning.”
The EU called the bubble “troubling, in a larger sense”, “no, larger than that” and “yeah, but on a larger scale. No, think bigger. Yes, now you’ve got it!”
“So what can I do?” asked a man invested in the market. “Okay, but if we all pull out, won’t stocks lose value and cause a crash? So, hold on, this entire system is based on rumor and implication? No, because every time there’s a panic it’s over nothing. No, nothing. Jesus, is this the best we can do? Well, that’s disappointing.”