A Few Americans Work To Sustain Massive Unemployed Populous

Washington DC – US Census Bureau announced that eighty six million Americans working in the private sector support over one hundred forty eight million government workers, retirees, pensioners, and non-working Americans.

“Yeah, I go into work every day and have to produce something,” said a worker. “And I’ll lose my job if I don’t. Wait, how do you guys operate. Really? So you just sit for a few hours and then collect massive- hold on, is that how the public sector works? Oh my God, I’d rebel if I weren’t so tired from working. Wait… nope, too tired.”

“That’s my right!” screamed a retired government worker. “I put in my time, now you give me healthcare for the rest of my life! You owe me! Gimmie what’s mine, you greedy bastards!” He threw his golf club onto the fairway, screaming, “mine! I deserve it! Mine!”

The Census Bureau also announced “this is totally sustainable as long as the retiree/benefit group doesn’t keep growing”, “sure, there are a few million Baby Boomers hanging it up, but how could that… oh no” and “run! No, don’t look back! Drop this report and run now! Run!”

“That doesn’t seem very American,” said an American. “Nor does it seem economical. Nor fair. All these people screaming about the rich, but they’re taking money that they didn’t work for. So who’s the slave and who’s the master. Woah, that was not racist, just a generality in terms and- how can this be an arrestable offense? Thought crime? Come on, that’s not- ow! Why are you hitting me? Help!”

Ghost Island Finally Up For Sale

Rome, Italy – A lease of a Venetian island described as one of the most haunted places in Italy is due to be auctioned off next month as the Italian state desperately seeks to raise revenue. “We feel the best way to raise money is to take advantage of very, very stupid people,” said an Italian governess. “After all, that’s how socialism works, right?” After ...

Chemical Bread To Eventually Be Phased Out

New York, NY – Subway says an ingredient dubbed the “yoga mat chemical” will be entirely phased out of its bread by next week. “We would have done it sooner, but we really didn’t want to,” said a company spokesman. “I mean, what’s the harm if a few people die?” After a very long pause he added, “wait, who are you here to interview? Subway? ...

Jobs Are Still Kinda Here, But Sorta Not

Washington DC – Today’s government jobs report sent a reassuring signal that the economy withstood a harsh winter that had slowed growth. “There’s no progress, but there’s no sliding,” said a government worker. “For us, that’s pretty much a lottery ticket.” He took off his clothes and screamed, “screw you all, I’m buying a castle ...

The Tech Industry Is Racist

San Francisco, CA – The Rev. Jesse Jackson plans to lead a delegation to Hewlett-Packard’s annual shareholders meeting to bring attention to Silicon Valley’s poor record of including blacks and Latinos in hiring, board appointments and startup funding. “We need to inject race into more things,” said a member of the Jackson camp. “Times are ...

Stocks Tumble On Fears Of Falling Stock Prices Due To Overseas Fears

New York, NY – Stocks declined today, after the S&P 500 came less than four points from its record close, as worries mounted about China’s economy and escalating tensions in Ukraine. “I’m unsure how things will shake out in Ukraine,” said a trader. “So I’m selling. I donno, something I hold has to be in ...

Money Legally Stored In Low Tax Countries Is Bad For… Ummm, Someone

New York, NY – The largest US-based companies added over two hundred billion dollars to their stockpiles of offshore profits last year, parking earnings in low-tax countries until Congress gives them a reason not to. “How dare they take advantage of these loopholes!” screamed a Congressman. “First they make money by inventing an idea and ...

Obama’s Generation As Lazy As Carter’s Generation, But Cooler Looking

Washington DC – The labor force participation rate in 2013 for Americans in their twenties hit the lowest level recorded since 1981, when the Bureau of Labor Statistics started releasing employment data on people in the full age bracket of twenty to twenty nine. “We need you self-entitled brats to get your lazy asses in ...