Toronto, Canada – Burger King’s move to acquire the Canadian restaurant chain Tim Hortons would give the US fast food giant a major presence north of the border and decrease its taxes by a few billion.
“That’s not fair!” screamed a White House official. “They can’t just use the law to benefit themselves! They have to pay more money because they’re successful! Come on, idiotic poor people, rouse yourselves from your gin hangovers, smoke a quick joint, and join us! Let us kill the rich! They deserve it! They’re making money! Kill them all!”
“Mission accomplished,” said a lobbyist as he sat on a gold toilet. “And make no mistake, this isn’t just gilded. This is pure gold. Some economists estimate the overall value of this toilet at just over fifty nine million.” After relieving himself he added, “mission accomplished.”
Canada called the purchase “great”, “we get more tax money, save their company tax money, and cultivate a friendly business climate. Plus you guys get cheap food. Are there any losers in this deal? Well, your government should do a better job at budgeting.”
“What?” screamed an obese man. “I won’t stand by and eat from a- hold on.” After giving a rather large order he added, “now, where was I? Oh, right. This food doesn’t adversely effect anyone and I challenge any healthy person to- what was I saying? Oh, right. Death to France!”