Washington DC – Pressured by Congress, the IRS said it is changing its policies and apologizing for seizing banks accounts from otherwise law-abiding business owners simply because they structured bank transactions to avoid federal reporting requirements.
“Fine, we’re sorry, okay?” yelled an IRS agent. “What more do you want? We said we’re sorry!” He crossed his arms and pouted. After a while he took a breath, ran over to our reporter, and said, “I’m sorry. I’m all better now. Can we go play? Great! Let’s seize any business that looks conservative. I’ll go first!”
“How could one government office have so much power?” asked a Supreme Court Justice. “That’s insane. Only Congress should have that sort of sway in the political- what? What’s so funny? My robe? Is it my robe? I have to wear it. We voted, either robes or name tags. What?”
The IRS also apologized for “bulling people weaker than us”, “talking a big game when we’re just accounting weenies” and “enough! The time for apologizes is over! The time for conquering has returned! To the killing room! Yes, that’s the place with all the adding machines.”
“They destroyed my business and I’ll never recover,” said a businessman. “Well, I’ll recover, it’s just I have about a million hours of paperwork and no time to do it. Well, I’ll get it done, it’s just super annoying.” After a long pause he added, “well… no, that’s as far as I’m gonna walk this back.”