Recalling Car Recalls, Recalled

Detroit, MI – Chrysler said it will recall about three hundred fifty thousand vehicles from the 2008 model year because of a condition that may cause the ignition key to get stuck or inadvertently move.

“Yeah, we kinda screwed up,” said an executive. “I mean, in the hectic rush to pump out the exact same car as last year, we included the same exact problems.” He looked out of his office window, adding, “I’ve made so many mistakes. So, so many.”

“That’s our opening!” said a foreign car manufacturer. “Now we can get a foothold into an already overcrowded market!” He did a little dance, adding, “get ready for an affordable mid-sized sedan with great gas milage, world! Get ready!”

The Better Business Bureau called the recall “alarming”, “if companies can just make crappy products and then recall them years later, our endorsement is meaningless!” and “wait, no! We meant, we would be meaningless if… no! Our power is all we have!”

“With the third Gulf War and the threat of new terror, I’m glad I caught this,” said a man standing next to the burned out shell of his car. “So… what do I do now?” After a long pause he added, “screw it, I’m going to Denny’s.”

Checking Work Emails Will Kill You

Berlin, Germany – German researchers studying the effects of people taking their work home with them at night or on weekends found that the workers were plagued by a host of issues, including cardiovascular problems, insomnia, headaches, muscular issues, fatigue, anxiety, and stomach problems. “But I have to know if [name omitted] received my email regarding her response to [name omitted]‘s worry that [company omitted] ...

Apple Dominates Everything, Everyone, Snobby Hipsters

San Francisco, CA – Apple says it sold more than ten million iPhone 6 and 6 Plus models, a record for a new model, in the three days after the phones went on sale. “Our plan is working perfectly,” said an Apple executive. “Soon we will rule the- what? How big is the market-share that doesn’t use Apple products? So we’re, like, less than twenty ...

Google Finally Takes Complete Control Of World

San Francisco, CA – Google’s seemingly limitless ambition has seen the company take on drones, self-driving cars and even the problem of aging, but the company’s founders have even grander plans: to build cities and airports. “It’s about time,” said a flustered city official. “I can’t figure out how to make a city work.” He ...

Americans Get High At Work To Keep Pace With Faltering Europe, Oppressive Asian Markets

Atlanta, GA – A new report has found nearly one and ten Americans are showing up to work high on marijuana. “We’re shocked that workers aren’t taking their responsibilities seriously,” said a fast food shift manager. “These guys need to be on their A game, what with the pressures of flipping burgers, sorta taking orders, ...

Olive Garden Giving Away Too Many Breadsticks, Bemoan Investors

Little Rock, AR – In a nearly three hundred page treatise on what’s wrong with Olive Garden and its management, a hedge fund suggests the Italian restaurant chain is being reckless with its unlimited breadsticks. “You can’t keep giving breadsticks away!” screamed an investor. “It’s just not good business! You never give anything to anyone ...

Burger King Moves Out Of US, US Sues For Visitation Rights

Toronto, Canada – Burger King’s move to acquire the Canadian restaurant chain Tim Hortons would give the US fast food giant a major presence north of the border and decrease its taxes by a few billion. “That’s not fair!” screamed a White House official. “They can’t just use the law to benefit themselves! They have ...

Don’t Freak Out, But The Market Is Going To Crash

New York, NY – According to research by a financial consultant, US stocks are now about eighty percent overvalued on certain key long-term measures. “There’s a really, really, really, really, wait… how many was that?” asked market expert Dan Rendrick. “Seven? Yeah, I’m pretty good with numbers. I’m a trader, after all. No, not like, ...