Several Bankers Died Last Year Making 2014 The Most Suspicious Banker Death Year To Date

Paris, France – Thirty six prominent European bankers died in 2014, and another has now died in 2015.

“It’s almost as if someone is picking off the banker of the world one by one,” said a man. “How long before we’re out of bankers? What? How many? Oh, so at thirty six a year that means we’ll be out of bankers by… hold on, fifteen thousand five hundred twenty? Wait, can people become a banker? Like, learn it? Oh. Then kill away.”

“Yes, a mystery,” said a CIA agent. “It’s almost as if the high-profile bankers of countries who don’t agree with US policy are dying for no apparent reason what-so-ever.” He rolled his eyes, adding, “yes, it was us. Just go along with what we say! Jesus, is that so hard? Oh. Then take that shovel and start digging.”

The International Brotherhood of Bankers called the deaths “suspicious”, “shouldn’t we live forever? Wasn’t that Satan’s promise to all who enter corporate finance?” and “we’re going to charge you for the full hour. Yeah, that’s how we work now.”

“There’s no mystery,” said a scientist. “They die because they work a high-stress job that requires hours of sitting.” He shrugged, adding, “the real mystery is how you got into this lab without wearing a containment suit. No, no, this is good. We were curious to see how long it took for the virus to melt a live human.”

Apple Crushes Competition Like Apples For Cider

San Francisco, CA – Apple’s quarterly results smashed Wall Street expectations with record sales of big-screen iPhones in the holiday shopping season and a seventy percent rise in China sales, powering the company to the largest profit in corporate history. “Now you see the power of non-stop entertainment!” screamed a high-ranking Apple employee. “You can’t look away! Sure, you could try to live your life ...

Stocks Tumble After Realizing December Kinda Sucked

New York, NY – Stocks took a nosedive after data on long-lasting durable goods showed business spending plans fell for a fourth straight month in December. “Oh my God!” exclaimed a trader. “Things were really bad a month ago. That must mean that things are doubly bad now! Oh my God! And we didn’t even know how bad things were in December, so we really ...

Oil Prices Slide Like Leaked Oil Down Oil Speculator’s Heads

New York, NY – An activist investor claims the price of oil will go lower as supply and demand remain unbalanced. “Can you believe it?” asked a guy at the pump. “It’s like we’re back in the early 2000s.” He froze, adding, “oh my God. Someone’s gotta tell the mayor that they’re going to attack ...

Caesars Casino Collapses, Crucifying Cohesive Civilized Culture

Las Vegas, NV – Caesars Corporation is preparing to file for bankruptcy protection as soon as tomorrow, the final gambit of a yearslong attempt to salvage a soured buyout. “Yes!” said a gambler. “I win!” After a very long pause he looked around the empty craps table, adding, “something’s wrong. Shouldn’t there be people here? ...

Lobster Prices Slightly Increase, Collapsing Dollar

Augusta, ME – Lobster fishermen say the 2014 season appears to have resulted in a lower catch than the previous two years, which translates to slightly higher prices for consumers. “We thought we’d get five and a half million this year,” said lobsterman Greg Athrop. “But we’ve only caught five million.” He sighed, adding, “looks ...

Stores Use Science To Override Fiscal Responsibility

Boston, MA – Retailers are always trying to get into customers’ brains, but they can legally do it using consumer neuroscience. “Ever since people have been getting fit, we’ve had a hard time burrowing into their brains,” said a major US chocolate manufacturer. “You see, every candybar has a microtracking chip that will float in ...

OPEC Meets, Greets, Freaks

London, UK – On Thanksgiving Day, OPEC, what used to be the world’s most powerful oil cartel will gather in Vienna to decide how much oil to produce. “We’re still in complete control,” said an OPEC prince. “Just because you morons finally figured out that the sun gives you unlimited power, or that natural gas ...