CEO Not Fired For Publicly Disclosing Sexual Orientation

San Francisco, CA – Apple chief executive Tim Cook announced he is “proud to be gay” in a first-person story published today by Bloomberg Businessweek.

“What?” screamed Anthony James Walting from his couch. “So I get fired for telling one story about how I love to go to bars, pick up drunk chicks, and [crude sexual description omitted] and this guy keeps his job?” He threw half of his sandwich at the television, then added, “damn it, that was brunch. Can you- oh, I don’t care if you use your hands. Thanks.”

“No!” screamed a gay man. “Now that the most powerful man in the most powerful industry on earth is gay, we have absolutely nothing to rial against. Sure, it’s an inspiration, but we have to constantly be the victim! We won’t be marginalized! Oh my God. What do I do? What do I do? Live in quiet dignity? Never!”

Gay rights groups around the nation called the move “confusing”, “we already new this, right?” and “so you’re telling us the news reported this years ago when it wasn’t true? What else are you hiding from us? Really? The whole moon thing was faked? Crazy.”

“Yeah, I don’t care,” said a man at an Apple store. “I’m going to buy whatever product I deem is the best and most closely fits my personal needs.” He shrugged, adding, “and if you have a problem when I use Firefox wilst eating Chick-fil-A, then you have way too much time on your hands. Get a job.”

Crude Oil Drops, Refined Oil Drops And Has The Manners To Excuse Itself

New York, NY – Brent crude fell to a fresh four year low before recovering to around eighty four dollars a barrel, as faltering global growth curbed demand for fuel at a time of heavy oversupply. “The market wasn’t designed for this!” screamed an investor. “It’s supposed to go up! Always up! We can’t have fluctuations! We need government intervention! Pump up prices! Increase tariffs! ...

Alaska Feels Economic Anxiety, Production Depression, Employment Elation

Anchorage, AK – As election season looms, many Alaskans are feeling the stress of economic anxiety. “This isn’t a thing we just made up,” said an editor of a major online news outlet. “It’s real. We talked about it all morning and now it’s a thing, so don’t you come in here saying we’re just making things up because we had to fill a thousand ...

Recalling Car Recalls, Recalled

Detroit, MI – Chrysler said it will recall about three hundred fifty thousand vehicles from the 2008 model year because of a condition that may cause the ignition key to get stuck or inadvertently move. “Yeah, we kinda screwed up,” said an executive. “I mean, in the hectic rush to pump out the exact same ...

Checking Work Emails Will Kill You

Berlin, Germany – German researchers studying the effects of people taking their work home with them at night or on weekends found that the workers were plagued by a host of issues, including cardiovascular problems, insomnia, headaches, muscular issues, fatigue, anxiety, and stomach problems. “But I have to know if [name omitted] received my email ...

Apple Dominates Everything, Everyone, Snobby Hipsters

San Francisco, CA – Apple says it sold more than ten million iPhone 6 and 6 Plus models, a record for a new model, in the three days after the phones went on sale. “Our plan is working perfectly,” said an Apple executive. “Soon we will rule the- what? How big is the market-share that ...

Google Finally Takes Complete Control Of World

San Francisco, CA – Google’s seemingly limitless ambition has seen the company take on drones, self-driving cars and even the problem of aging, but the company’s founders have even grander plans: to build cities and airports. “It’s about time,” said a flustered city official. “I can’t figure out how to make a city work.” He ...

Americans Get High At Work To Keep Pace With Faltering Europe, Oppressive Asian Markets

Atlanta, GA – A new report has found nearly one and ten Americans are showing up to work high on marijuana. “We’re shocked that workers aren’t taking their responsibilities seriously,” said a fast food shift manager. “These guys need to be on their A game, what with the pressures of flipping burgers, sorta taking orders, ...