Hershey, PA – Mars announced because less cocoa is being produced as more and more people are devouring chocolate, there might be a chocolate shortage.
“What?” screamed a woman. “That’s the only way I can survive my monthly lady time!” As she threw a lamp against the wall she bellowed, “no! It’s not happening right now! This is my normal time! They say I’m a medical anomaly, which is why I though you were here.” She started crying, adding, “why won’t you love me?”
“Ah, that ol’ one,” said a De Beers worker. “The airlines did it, the oil nations did it, and now Hershey’s is doing it.” He lit a cigar with a diamond, adding, “welcome to ultra-richness, friends. Oh, a piece of advice: build jails in your factory basements. Believe me, you’re gonna need em.”
Mars also warned “race riots are sure to break out unless we address inequality in America and stop reinforcing a majority oppressor/minority victim mentality”, “fun new flavors of NECCO® Wafers!” and “we don’t? Oh. Well, this is out of character, but you should eat those too. They’re so good!”
“I’m sure they won’t let that happen,” said a child. “After all, why would you start a business based on one sole item that’s produced in unreliable foreign factories? I’m sorry, but I think Mars stock should drop ten percent in the next week. Sell now or hold it for the long haul. Yes, I’m a child. It’s not complicated.”