Cambridge, MA – A Harvard professor thinks the next big thing will be people inhaling their caffeine from a lipstick-sized tube.

“Who has time to sip a cup of coffee?” asked Dr. Michael McJennis to the press corp. “Not me. How about you? No? How about you, ma’am? No? How about you, sir? No, next to him? Now, how about you, sir. Yes, the first guy. No? How about- hold on, I’m getting to it. How about you? Miss? Yes? Damn it.”

“It’s almost as ground-breaking as when we realized we could snort cocaine instead of enjoying it from soda,” said neighbor and long-time coke user Mr. Ferukousky. “Back in my day we would drink a few cokes, as they were called, and then cut each other during orgies. Yeah, they were simpler times back then.”

The FDA called the proposal “dangerous”, “if people realize that caffeine is just as bad as other ‘snortables’ then we’re in big trouble” and “damage control, people! Think! What would coked up Jesus do? Wait, don’t put that into the public record! Come on, [record keeper] Carl [Weitz], work with us for once!”

“That sounds kinda cool,” said a college student. “Maybe we could snort our alcohol as well. God, the future is going to be so kick-ass.” He finished his beer and then added, “listen, keep it down, they get mad if you talk too loud in the library.”