Candidates Can Break Laws, FBI Concludes

Washington DC – The FBI Director announced the agency is not recommending the Justice Department bring charges against Hillary Clinton, while also denouncing the former secretary of state and her colleagues for the way they handled classified information through private email servers.

“Look, it would upset the political process,” said an FBI agent. “And we can’t have that. Sure, we went after Nixon, but he broke the law! No, what she did was break a little law a few hundred thousand times. That doesn’t count. Also, we put a lot of money into her, so it’s happening. Also, it’s our party, so… yeah, shut up about it or get arrested, got it?”

“But… that’s not fair!” yelled a man in jail. “I’m in jail because I broke the law! Shouldn’t I deserve special treatment too? Oh, right, I’m poor.” After a long pause he turned to one of his many cellmates and began to brawl.

The FBI also declared “we will prosecute tax evaders, because those people are the scum of the earth”, “we will prosecute those who mishandle sensitive documents, because they put our nation’s security at risk” and “no, we don’t have to justify anything to you. Ummm, which one of us has secret prisons and which are loud mouth reporters with a lot to lose?”

“Does it matter?” asked a disenfranchised voter. “This is a total mess and no one’s gonna be happy with the outcome.” He whispered, “no one” a few more times whilst backing out of the room.