Cannibal Attacker Wasn’t High On Bath Salts, Just Life

Miami, FL – The Miami-Dade Medical Examiner released a report which claims the Causeway Cannibal, the man who ate the face off a homeless man he attacked along the MacArthur Causeway, was apparently not high on bath salts or any other exotic street drug at the time of the attack.

“Looks like he was using good ol’ marijuana,” said someone from the Medical Examiner’s office. “Yep, it’s just as safe as having a few beers. Thank God it’s legal to augment your brain chemistry with a huge variety of available drugs. Nothing ever bad happens when people get drunk or high. Ever.”

“So bath salts are safe?” asked local addict Donny [no last name given]. “I thought so! Because I was, like, super high and tried to jump off the water into the wires and my mind was all, wait, you can’t do that and so I was like, oh, right.” He twitched a few times before adding, “bath salts are completely safe!”

The City of Miami released a statement which read “we might not know how to vote, but we beat down the zombie hoard”, “we might have oppressive heat and humidity, but we saved America” and “you’re welcome.”

“Then why did that dude chew that other dude’s face off?” asked a worried resident. “Just for fun? Was he on something else? Is no one else concerned that a dude just went berserk and kill another dude in a horrendous- I’m saying dude because I don’t know their names. Dude, are we just going to ignore the- dude, stop making me say dude.”

Report filed by Editor at 10:01 am