Global Stocks Down, Bemoan Middle America

London, UK – Global stocks were set for their worst monthly performance since January, with renewed concerns over global growth forcing European shares and oil prices onto the back foot again following two positive sessions.

“Dang!” said a man in his late thirties as he drove to his job at a concession distribution hub. “Looks like my portfolio’s gonna take quite the hit.” He cracked a beer, adding, “just kidding, that [expletive deleted]s a waste of time. No, seriously, I held my money and saved myself a lot of problems. Morning road beer? Great!”

“They promised stocks only go up!” yelled a European leader. “This is why capitalism doesn’t work! Now I’m going to have to work even more because half of my money goes to the state and- wait a minute. Over time I make money in the market and promote growth as opposed to feeding blind government spending that I don’t really have or want access to. Damn it! To… I donno, somewhere.”

The Global Stock market called the drop “irregular”, “since we’re a fiction of a poorly written news article, it is very odd that we do anything but rise and help the world unite” and “sure, unite against aliens. Whatever, man, it’s your world.”

“Will the markets come back up?” asked a concerned schoolchild. “Oh. So then why would you present it like they wouldn’t?” We tried to explain how the news cycle worked but he got up and left to play a game that was mostly yelling and running around.

Microsoft Buys LinkedIn, Still Can’t Get Employees Using LinkedIn

San Francisco, CA – Microsoft has reached a deal to acquire LinkedIn for twenty six billion dollars, the largest acquisition in the tech company’s history, to dive into the social-networking realm.

“Will you take a cashier’s check?” asked a Microsoft official. “Or do you want it in bills?” She pointed to a room full of money, adding, “or, you can ‘take what you want.’ I shouldn’t be telling you this, but you won’t believe how heavy twenty six billion is. You should go with the cashier’s check. No? Okay, you have one minute to take what you can from the MS Bill’s Bill Room! Annnnnnnnnd go!”

“So, we’re all fired?” asked a LinkedIn employee. “That’s fine, I’ll just my profile to get a job.” After a very long time he added, “yeah, I don’t get why anyone would buy us. Spare some change? Please? I just lost my job.”

Other leaked provisions of the deal include “all employees must do the Truffle Shuffle before leaving for lunch”, “everyone named ‘Allan’ must change their name to ‘Allen'” and “the third Friday of every month a sacrifice must be made to the gods of the OS or we shall have another Windows ME. Trust us, we had to kill a lot of employees to fix that mess.”

“Are these companies really worth billions?” asked a man. “If so, what do I have to do to create one and become rich? Huh. Okay, what- oh. Okay. No, I don’t know a thing about- yeah, no. No. Nope.” He picked up his shovel, adding, “okay, back to work.”

China Captures Disney

Beijing, China – More than five years and five and a half billion dollars after first breaking ground, Walt Disney opened its first Chinese Disneyland on Thursday to crowds eager for a theme park that was “authentically Disney and distinctly Chinese.”

“So, for instance, our Small World ride is just China,” said a spokeswoman. “And most of it is a reminder that the people are firmly in charge and the people want less freedom and more restrictions. Then there’s about seventy eight minutes of little soldier dolls whipping political prisoner dolls. It’s so cute!”

“They’re destroying my childhood!” yelled a former child. “What? I’ve been saying that forever. Movie remakes, television reboots, and now a whole new ‘land’ in a different nation!” He shook his head, adding, “and I thought Euro Disney was traumatizing. No, I’m currently unemployed, why do you ask?”

The People’s Republic called the opening “happening”, “an event” and “the thing we just discussed.” We didn’t want to press the issue, as they seemed angry about something. We also didn’t want to ask what they were angry about, as it would anger them. Not to sound corny, but the whole experience really made us appreciate freedom.

“So, what’s the headline here?” asked a woman. “A theme park opened in another country? No, don’t get me wrong, it’s better than the ‘everyone is murdered’ stories. No, you know what? This is great. Thank you, it made me think of Disney and that makes me smile. Thank you.”

You Get A Gun! And You Get A Gun! And You Get A Gun!

Raleigh, NC – The month of May saw yet another gun-related background check record making it the thirteenth month to see an all time high.

“I couldn’t be happier,” said a judge. “Homicides are through the roof!” He ordered the next case, adding, “I’ve never been so busy in my life! And man am I happy to be out of the house. The twins are a nightmare. Yeah, middle school sucks for everyone. Anyway, twenty five years! Next case!”

“Gun business is up,” admitted a robber. “So I’m laying low for a while.” He shrugged, adding, “I dunno. I took a few gigs as a freelance graphic designer. I’m doing a lot of small town mayoral and committee posters.” He pointed to his computer, adding, “it’s two boxes and white lettering. Can you believe I’m getting five grand for this? I’m thinking about finishing my degree! Also, gimmie your wallet.”

Gun lobby groups called the rise “a direct response to the gun grabbing politics of the current administration”, “well, no, they’re not taking guns away, per se, but… you know, they talk about doing stuff so they must be… shut up and buy a gun!” and “yeah, we have more to say, but we’re going to let our guns talk for us. Huh. They’re just inanimate objects. So… huh.”

“Yeah, we’re not worried,” said a Homeland Security officer. “We bought all the ammo, so you morons can have all the guns you want.” He pulled out his baton, adding, “now submit to our will or be beaten! You can’t stop us! Security!”

Unemployment Down, Mostly Because Two Thirds Of All Americans Aren’t Looking For Jobs

Washington DC – The Labor Department’s Bureau of Labor Statistics reported a record ninety four million Americans were not in the labor force in May and the labor force participation rate dropped two-tenths of a point to sixty two percent.

“Look, we won,” said a White House official. “The number that everyone uses to judge employment is way down, so let’s not dig too deep, okay, fellas?” After popped the cork on the champagne bottle, he added, “let’s all get drunk! It’s [expletive deleted]ing Friday and our legacy is secured! Friday!!”

“But I don’t have a job!” said a citizen. “And I haven’t had one for almost two years? Don’t I count?” When we explained that he was a privileged white man and didn’t deserve a job or respect, he apologized and left. We later found he drifted around for a few years, eventually took to drugs, and killed himself at fifty two. Yeah, grim, but we believe in thorough reporting.

The Labor Department also noted “man, digging is sure hard labor”, “hey! Wait, why are we doing Labor? We’re not the… ohhh, we saw what you did there” and “then what does the Department of Agriculture do? Ew.”

“So, at the end of the day, we’re playing politics in every aspect of American life,” said a woman. “Do you think that will get things done or just make it sound like we’re getting things done whilst getting fodder to blame a person or group? Well, then you’re an idiot.”

Uber Raises Uber Bucks

San Francisco, CA РIn its quest to build a global empire, Uber has turned to the Middle East and raised three and a half billion dollars from Saudi Arabia’s Public Investment Fund.

“We’re very happy to invest,” said a prince. “Mostly because it will keep women from driving, because we all know what happens to a society when women drive.” He then made a few hand gestures that ended with a mock ambulance taking him away, trying to defibrillate him, and then calling the time of death. We couldn’t help but laugh, and admit we lost our objectivity. Sure, it was well-worn comedy, but an old chestnut.

“That’s some uber cash,” said an Uber driver. “And not the kind of Uber cash that’s company specific which may only be used for Uber rides or gifts for dads and grads.” He looked around the empty car, adding, “who am I talking to?”

Other companies have turned to the Middle East for cash, including “Nuclear Centrifuge Inc.”, “Kill the Infidels, LLC” and “We’ve Literally Already Gotten Into Your Country And Will Murder You All, a wholly owned subsidiary of Death To America Group.”

“So are they evil now?” asked a ninety-nine percenter. “I mean, other companies we’ve railed against have a lot less money, but aren’t as cool, so… I’m not sure what to do. Someone tell me what to be mad about. Please!”

Ice Cream Wars Heat Up, Melting Hearts, Destroying Families, Killing Hundreds

New York, NY – Mister Softee says he has been muscled out of Midtown as a renegade ice cream company is enforcing its dominance with threats and intimidation that sometimes get physical.

“Oh, no, this has nothing to do with the ice cream turf war,” said a man as he fed a human arm into a meat grinder. “This has everything to do with the bagel war that’s plagued this city for almost a hundred years. So many dead, yet our struggle continues.”

“You know that saying, ‘I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream?'” asked an ice cream truck driver. “Well, it’s true. Except now the screams are for mercy.” He closed the top to the machine gun belt feed, adding, “let’s [expletive deleted]ing do this, summer. Yeah, she’s [the rival] driver that has sixty second [street]. That [expletive deleted] is gonna die this sweltering afternoon.”

NYPD called the war “hysterical”, “we take bets as to which driver will be ‘beat up’ next” and “yeah, that’s in the most sarcastic air quotes possible. Most of these guys get winded walking from the driver’s seat to the side window.”

“There’s a very good possibility that the entire ice cream bubble will burst,” said an economist. “I predict somewhere around mid September. No one knows why, but we can only speculate it has something to do with the thousands of ice cream driver deaths. Sad, but it’s like being in the wild: we can’t interfere, even if they ask for help. So many dead.”

Chinese Zombies Finally Tariffed

Beijing, China – The US government has imposed massive tariffs on Chinese steelmakers in a bid to halt what American rivals have labeled as large-scale dumping by their Asian competitors.

“They might have created zombies made of steel, but we have a plan,” said a soldier wielding a rather large gun. “This bad-boy will blow a thermal blast through a building, so yeah, I think it’ll take out a few steel zombies.” As the gun powered on he screamed, “come get some!”, then waited a few more seconds until the gun reached full power, then fired an impressive shot into the air.

“It’s time America struck back!” yelled a State Department official. “We need to- what? Oh, sorry, they’re doing construction outside and it was really loud. I’m still adjusting to indoor- yeah, hold on.” He flushed, exited the stall, then whispered, “it’s time American struck back. No, I don’t have to wash, I didn’t have to go after all.”

The government also proposed tariffs on “anything that’s made of anything”, “ideas” and “what are those little umbrellas called? No one? Is there a name for those little umbrellas that- okay, then we’re trademarking a name! What? This is the online trademark process? But we’re the government trying to- okay, okay, we’ll do it. Wait, so what does this first page even mean?”

“Unfair,” said a Chinese manufacturer. “We give you cheap labor and abuse the workers you’re not allowed to abuse. We should be compensated for the ghosts we’ve created. Oh yes, so many howling ghosts. Where are the busters of ghosts? This summer? Okay, we’ll wait.”

Chicken Factory Is Hellish For Everyone

Toledo, KS – A new report claims poultry workers are routinely denied basic needs such as bathroom breaks to the point of being forced to wear diapers while on the line.

“We’ve done nothing wrong,” said an executive. “Those people volunteered to work for us and signed a contract waving any rights as humans. That’s the America way.” After a long pause he added, “‘meria,” with no further explanation.

“It’s inhumane,” said a worker. “To kill all of those chickens! And then to treat us like the chickens! And then chicken chicken chick chicken chicken.” We weren’t sure, but it was very possible the woman was just a bunch of chickens wearing a coat and hardhat.

The report also claims “workers were routinely forced to listen to jazz”, “workers were often shown the first three Star Wars movies” and “workers had little to no say in the ongoing chicken-human feud. Oh yes, it’s very real.”

“Who would have thought a slaughterhouse would be bad?” asked a woman. “Not I, a professor of English.” She waved to her various degrees tastefully mounted on her office wall, adding, “not I.”

“Let’s burn it to the ground!” shouted a protestor. “We don’t need these horrible people to make our food for us! We can just eat beans and… various other…” He sighed, noting, “abuse [the workers] all you want. I need food.”

Uber/Lyft Drivers Flee Under Slightest Scrutiny

Austin, TX – On-demand ride companies Uber and Lyft suffered an embarrassing defeat in an election in the weird city of Texas, as voters backed a measure requiring fingerprint background checks for drivers.

“The only reason I took this job was because I didn’t have to check a box that said ‘prior conviction,'” said our Uber driver. “I mean, I remember looking down at the bodies, thinking, ‘man, I am not going to get a job after this.’ Yeah, you’d think you’d freak out after killing and eating thirteen people but you’re surprisingly calm. Anyway, you guys want the radio? We got great stations out here!”

“What’s next, doing a background check on teachers?” yelled a ride share executive. “This is ridiculous! Can’t we all just hope that the people who show up, lock you in a car, and hopefully take you to where you ask are sane, rational people?” As he lit his office on fire, he yelled, “I’m gonna burn some more interns and then have a handful of cocaine! Screw you, sanity!”

The United Taxicab Drivers of Greater Austin called the election results “great, bro”, “come on, my main mans, you know we best in business!” and “yes, yes, this is fastest way from airport. I do this long time, bro. Seventy dollar trip is worth it, no? Sorry, eighty five dollar.”

“It’s not a big deal,” said one driver. “And we all haven’t left. In fact, a lot of people have joined to fill the openings. But, yeah, if you just read this one story, we’re all criminals who fled to Dallas.”