Candidates Can Break Laws, FBI Concludes

Washington DC – The FBI Director announced the agency is not recommending the Justice Department bring charges against Hillary Clinton, while also denouncing the former secretary of state and her colleagues for the way they handled classified information through private email servers.

“Look, it would upset the political process,” said an FBI agent. “And we can’t have that. Sure, we went after Nixon, but he broke the law! No, what she did was break a little law a few hundred thousand times. That doesn’t count. Also, we put a lot of money into her, so it’s happening. Also, it’s our party, so… yeah, shut up about it or get arrested, got it?”

“But… that’s not fair!” yelled a man in jail. “I’m in jail because I broke the law! Shouldn’t I deserve special treatment too? Oh, right, I’m poor.” After a long pause he turned to one of his many cellmates and began to brawl.

The FBI also declared “we will prosecute tax evaders, because those people are the scum of the earth”, “we will prosecute those who mishandle sensitive documents, because they put our nation’s security at risk” and “no, we don’t have to justify anything to you. Ummm, which one of us has secret prisons and which are loud mouth reporters with a lot to lose?”

“Does it matter?” asked a disenfranchised voter. “This is a total mess and no one’s gonna be happy with the outcome.” He whispered, “no one” a few more times whilst backing out of the room.

Red Cross Caught Racisming

Atlanta, GA – An American Red Cross Hospital signboard that carried a “super racist” message about swim safety guidelines for children prompted an apology from the hospital.

“We’re sorry for being super racist,” said a hospital official. “Normally we’re just regular racist. Oh, you know, we won’t help blacks, we’ll let the hispanics wait double the time, we’ll talk down to the Pols. Yes, they’re worthy of racism. Don’t ask questions, that’s how these things unravel. Anyway, we’ll do a better job disguising our disgust.”

“If I’m not continually outraged, well, I don’t know what I’d do with myself,” said a woman who declined to identify her racial makeup. “But rest assured, I am mad about this, as well as a whole bunch of other things I never knew about until I went through social media. Ugh, so frustrated that the world is the way it is! Look at this post! So mad!”

Other helping organizations called the poster “shameful”, “why are you trying to save children’s lives? Don’t you know they’ll grow up to be humans, the worst things on the planet?” and “oh, they are racist, selfish beings that poison the land and have horrible entertainment tastes. Horrible!”

“Just to FYI you,” said a reader. “No one, and I mean no one, get’s their pool safety information from a poster. That’s all I have to say about that. No, I don’t have any comment on the content, just that a poster about pool safety isn’t changing habits. Yes, seriously. Goodbye.”

Led Zeppelin Didn’t Steal Song, Kill Those Dudes

Los Angeles, CA – A jury has decided the band Led Zeppelin did not steal the opening to its classic anthem “Stairway to Heaven.”

“Additionally,” read the jury foreman. “This was not a gargantuan waste of time. We’d like to stress that in no way did this tie up the resources of our legal system, nor of the parties involved. This is as, if not more, important than the search for a cure for cancer or AIDS, and much more important than our current political battle or other national problems.”

“Dude, this is amazing,” said a robber on his twenty eight consecutive day of robbing. “It’s like they just gave up! Try it!” After stealing a car-load of stuff, the robber pulled his gun, adding, “now I’m gonna rob you! That’s right, noob, the first rule of robbing is always defending against robbing!”

The music industry called the ruling “just”, “fitting well within the Sam Smith and Blurred Lines rulings” and “it doesn’t have to make sense, it’s the music industry. Have some coke.”

“We’re in the process of copyrighting the note F and the augmented fifth,” said a man in a suit. “That’s all we can say at this time. No, I’m not joking. Well, then we’ll see you in court. Yeah, 2041 sounds about right.”

CIA Hints ISIS Might Be The Opposite Of Good

Washington DC – The director of the CIA said ISIS can draw on a “large cadre of Western fighters” that could attack in the US and the terror threat posed by the group remains as dangerous as ever despite efforts to crush it militarily.

“So it turns out they’re dangerous,” said a CIA agent. “Like, super dangerous. Yeah, I know, we just found out too.” He looked around his office, adding, “I mean, who knew? Last we heard they weren’t extremists, they weren’t associated with a religion, and they were because the previous President did something. Not our problem, was the word. Not our problem.”

“Come on, we’re just doing our job,” said a terrorist. “You guys get it, right?” He shrugged, adding, “it’s all about the hate, right? So let us do our job and don’t hate on our hate, because then you’re just as bad as us.” He then began a hashtag that made us all feel like we were apart of the discussion and were active in protecting ourselves.

The CIA also noted “that Hitler guy wasn’t too good”, “that’s right, we went right to Hitler. The most extreme case. Why? Because it gets more eyes on this report” and “yeah, our media center says not enough people read CIA reports. Mostly because of the classification.”

“Oh, so another government agency is on the case,” said a reader. “That’s, what? Twelve now? Hundreds of people with thousands upon thousands of hours to protect us? Is it working? No, my job isn’t to figure it out, that’s your job. You work for the government: figure it out. Now!”

Florida Gets Suckier And Suckier

Tampa, Florida – Officials say a nine-foot-long alligator was captured last night in the same Florida lake where one was found holding remains of a human body in its mouth.

“We don’t know if this is the perpetrator or the accomplice, but one thing’s for sure,” said a detective as he donned sunglasses and looked to the sky. “Heads are going to roll.” He waited a few seconds, then took off his sunglasses, adding, “okay, lemme try another one. Ready? But one thing’s for sure… he’s ahead of the game. Wait, I got one more. We need to head out. Right?”

“Oh, no, the alligators are firmly in control,” said a local official. “In fact, they demanded I remove my uniform and have it re-fitted to size ten, alligator.” He looked around nervously, adding, “I don’t know what that means, but I’m doing it. So help me, I’m doing it or- oh my God, are they watching us. No, no, don’t turn around. The water, something’s in the water…”

Georgia officials called the capture “disgraceful”, “that’s what you get for not running a ‘the Purge’ style state” and “yeah, they have loose gun laws, but they could be looser, if you know what we mean. Yeah, like, in the bathing suit area. Oh yeah, it’s all about that.”

“It’s not like you go to Florida and get bit by a gator,” said resident. “I mean, sure, we’ve all been bit by gators, but there’s gotta be someone who hasn’t been bit, right? Statistically?” After a long pause she shrugged, adding, “Florida, right?”

Five Hundred Year Old Missing Letter Returned With Appropriate Postage

Rome, Italy – A rare copy of a fifteenth century letter describing Christopher Columbus’ trip to the Americas has been returned to Italian authorities after being stolen from a library in Florence.

“Now we can all celebrate this- ow! Why are you throwing things? He’s a national hero who- ow!” screamed an Italian diplomat. “Come on, people, he found land! A whole new land that we really didn’t settle or- ow! Is that why you’re throwing- ow! Stop! I have no ties to this man! He’s evil, happy? Happy? Good, now let’s open the Mussolini memorial wing of- ow!”

“Ima so losta,” read a scholar. “Looka at the sea-a! She is so-a big and vasta!” He cleared his throat, adding, “it goes on like that for several hundred pages. What can I say, stereotypes exist for a reason. It’s why I never liked the [ethnic group omitted]s. Oh, come on, like you guys like [ethnic group omitted]s or [ethnic group omitted]s! How is that racist? Oh, right.”

Other returned artifacts included “a VHS copy of An Officer and a Gentleman”, “a third edition copy of Lad a Dog translated into Italian” and “twenty Lira.”

“That’s nice,” said a local postman. “I’ve always enjoyed those sort of fairytales. Warms the heart.” He went back to burning mail, occasionally taking a long pull off of a ceramic pipe.

Doping Dopes Dupe Olympic Dopes

Lausanne, Switzerland – According to the International Olympic Committee a total of thirty one athletes in six sports tested positive in reanalysis of their doping samples from the 2008 Beijing Summer Games.

“The real winners were the dope sellers,” admitted an Olympic official. “Then the athletes, then the sponsors, then the fans. I guess, in the end, no one really remembers anything about the Olympics except the handful of genetic freaks who participated. And, let’s be honest, they’re going to fade into obscurity as well. Such is life.”

“So much urine,” said a shell-shocked dope tester as she rocked back and forth under her desk. “I can’t… yes, sir, processing, sir. Urine sample number one zero one one five three: positive. Yes, sir, processing, sir. Urine sample number one zero one one five five: positive. No sir, no urine sample number one zero one one five four. No, sir. Stop, sir, stop.”

The OLC hinted “we won’t have doping in this Olympics”, “we’re still considering the robot Olympics” and “we’re super excited about the thingy. Whatever, we don’t have to be concise here, these are simply hints, not facts. Ligers are real. That’s our hint. Ligers.”

“If I’ve learned anything from the 2008 Olympics, it’s to use drugs that they can’t detect,” said a European athlete. “Then I’ll probably win and that’s all that matters. Besides love. Oh, no, love really matters. Trust me, I’m an athlete.”

Talc Will Give You Cancer

Washington DC – Johnson & Johnson was ordered by a US jury to pay fifty five million dollars to a woman who said that using the company’s talc-powder products for feminine hygiene caused her to develop ovarian cancer.

“They knew that this deadly chemical would kill us all, and yet they still used it,” said a jury member. “Big business should be punished for everything they do! Death to executives, with their success and money! It’s not fair! We didn’t elect them to give us superior products and jobs! Kill them all! The jury rests, Your Honor.”

“Everyone knows talc mining’s nickname, ‘Mining for Poison that will slowly kill you,'” said a miner. “But the real name is, ‘candy death digging.’ It’s a German phrase. Either way, it means we’re going to die.” He took a big bite of talc, adding, “so, might as well enjoy myself before I go, right? Boy, that’s chalky.”

The International Brotherhood of Talc Producers called the payout “disgraceful”, “when will they realize carbon is the real enemy here” and “it’s time we- what? Wait, they’re putting the what where now? Oh, dear God, no! Why… no!”

“So, one woman can get fifty five million, times how many women used your product?” asked a lawyer. “Oh. So, you won’t be able to pay our fees.” As he stood he looked around, adding, “unless you have fire insurance, I’d get in your car right now and drive to Canada. No, don’t talk to you family, just go. Now!”

TSA WhistleBlown

Washington DC – Employees of the TSA claim poor leadership and a culture of retaliation are making it harder for the Administration to address security gaps.

“You wouldn’t believe how horrible they are!” exclaimed an employee. “They hired me! No, that’s not a joke. I was in jail for stabbing a whole mess of people and then they were like, ‘hey, you want a job?’ and I was like, ‘can I stab people?’ and they were like, ‘no, but you can grope them.'” As he put on a new set of latex gloves he added, “I was so in.”

“I don’t know if there are gaps,” said a White House official. “After all, nothing bad has happened since we took office.” Over the laughter he added, “we’ll just edit that out when we show this in our three million acre Presidential library. Oh yes, we’re legendary and invincible. Literally.”

The TSA called the report “untrue”, “we shot all whistleblowers and deserters” and “that’s the only way to control people: force. Or stripping them down and removing any sense of humanity. Whatever works, really.”

“So are they improving their security or… oh,” said a terrorist as he boarded a plane. “Man, we should have done this instead of flying to a meeting where we talk about our next attack. Right?” He looked around, then yelled, “anyone profiling me will be sued!” He then gave a smug smile, knowing he was now invincible, surrounded by an impregnable politically correct shield.

ISIS Gets In To US Via Open Border

Houston, TX – One of the American men accused in Minnesota of trying to join the Islamic State group wanted to open up routes from Syria to the US through Mexico.

“That’s an imaginary border that we ask all drug dealers, cartel killers, terrorists, and illegal immigrants to respect and not cross!” yelled a federal prosecutor. “So, yes, it really does fire me up when people don’t respect our sovereign space. We asked nicely, and the millions of nefarious characters that want to kill us should respect that.”

“Dude, it can’t be this easy,” said a terrorist as he crossed into the US. “Seriously? And I brought in so many of these vials, too!” He patted the back of his ATV, adding, “and this is the fifth run. Also, nothing is guarded. Like, nothing! Water, electric… yeah, there’s five guys at the nuclear facility. Okay, great, so water poisoning it is!”

The Department of Defense called the open borders “not our problem, we deal in defense, not defending the homeland”, Homeland Security called the problem “the border patrol’s problem” and the border patrol noted “we get no funding from the DoD or HLS.”

“I’m sure our leaders have it all under control,” said a man. “Because they convinced us that not building a wall like the rest of the world, is good. Also, that not enforcing our laws is the right thing to do, morally. Also… help.”