Imprisoned City Officials Make Everyone Healthy Again

Flint, MI – The man who supervised Flint’s water treatment plant has been charged, along with two state environmental officials, in connection with the Michigan city’s water crisis.

“Justice!” shouted a local man. “That’s the sort of thing that will make me and my children well! I feel so much better about the whole…” He collapsed and was taken to a hospital, where we were later told he had a mild heart attack due to stresses in his life, including the water situation, thus making the whole thing even more emotionally charged.

“This is because the Republicans hate us!” yelled a resident. “They’re all evil and have been out to get us for centuries. No, I don’t know which party imprisoned Japanese after the attack on Pearl Harbor. No, I don’t know who wanted to keep slavery. Look, that’s the past. The party has changed, they’re giving us free stuff so we vote for them, how is that oppressive?”

The rest of the US called the charging “tragic”, “the whole thing: living in Michigan, have Moore as your sad, emotionally crippled representative, being so close to Canada” and “that’s right, we said it: Canada. That’s the real problem here. Well, and Flint. Mostly Flint.”

“Did they change the water back?” asked someone from Florida. “I don’t know because I’m in a totally different area with totally different problems.” He pointed to his gunshot wound, adding, “it’s like the Purge down here. Send help. Please.”

China Gets All Of Our Secrets, Ciphers, Enigmas

Norfolk, VA – A US naval flight officer with an extensive signals intelligence background was accused by the service of passing secrets to China.

“Oh yes,” chuckled a Chinese official. “Spy number one three six two six.” He let out a wistful sigh, adding, “oh, to be young again. Anyway, submit now and no one will be hurt.” He lost focus again, his eyes glazing over as he mouthed the word of his first love.

“How would you even do that?” asked a man with a lot of sensitive information. “First, you’d have to contact China, which, sounds like it’d be easy, but there’s a billion Chinese that technically all work for the government. Then, they’d vet you. Then, you’d have to be sure they’re them and not a sting. Then, you’d have to get information out, then meet, but first make sure you’re not trailed, then- wait, I could sell it on the Silk Road. Excuse me.”

Other leaked secrets include “the electoral college is the primary method to steal away voter rights”, “chemtrails are real” and “the latest iPhone update will give you cancer.”

“We can only assume he spilled the beans,” said a military official. “He gave away the whole enchilada. He bit the big one. He squeezed the Charmin. He got the Motts. You know…” After a long pause he whispered, “we don’t know what he gave away and are really scared.”

The US Loves Killing People

Houston, TX – Amnesty International, which campaigns against capital punishment, tallied the number of people put to death for crimes across the globe last year and found it reached a twenty five year high, with the US claiming the number five execution seed.

“We’re helpless to change the laws of nations,” said a researcher. “But we’re all powerful when it comes to shaming.” He faced west and yelled, “shame on you! Killing people who have killed! Shame!” over and over for the better half of an hour. Then, glowing with pride, he announced, “now the problem is fixed! We win again!”

“Please,” said a man on death row. “Just do it! I’ve been in here for almost thirty years! I don’t want any more appeals, or counter-appeals, or tertiary filings contending the counter-appeal was bias because of appeal inconsistencies. We all know I did it, so just… please.”

The Department of Justice called the study “embarrassing”, “this administration is about hope, not death. Free them all!” and “oh, what can you do? You’re just a peasant addressing a god-king! No, why do you think we’re being ironic. Now, bow!”

“Yeah, that’s our law,” said a US official. “I’d go into how it works or where the pitfalls are, but, let’s face it, it’s our law and you have to obey the law. What? Then what did your parents teach you? Oh, Jesus, you’re in for a hard life, boy. A pointlessly hard life.”

World’s Most Powerful People Don’t Like To Share

Miami, FL – A massive cache of leaked documents detail a shadowy network of banks and law firms that help many of the world’s most powerful people, such as politicians, criminals, athletes, magnates, celebrities, hide money in offshore accounts, according to an coalition of investigative reporters.

“We never thought that people with a lot of money wouldn’t pay taxes,” said an IRS agent. “All this time we’ve been harassing business owners, middle class persons, and anyone who speaks against the government.” He shook his head, adding, “how could we have been so blind? There’s a whole other class of people to harass and- hold on, just got an email from a higher-up. Okay. Investigation is off.”

“Fine, then we’ll just start our own country and you won’t be able to get us,” said a rich man. “Is that what you want? We pull out of the economy? Then shut up and get back to ignoring us. More ignoring! I can see your eyes darting back to us. More… that’s better. Can you hear me? That’s- good, you passed the test.”

The Magnus Club, an elite social organization with members of the world’s most rich and powerful people, declined to comment, or even acknowledge they existed. In fact, they gave us a substantial amount of money to change the reported name of the club and then lie about this entire story.

“At the end of the day, nothing changes,” said a poor man. “I mean, I won’t have more money if they put these guys in chains, so who cares?” After hugging his family he added, “plus, I’m already rich. No, not literally- just… goodbye.”

If You Leave The US, You Will Be Sentenced To Fifteen Years Hard Labor

Pyongyang, North Korea – North Korea’s highest court sentenced an American tourist to fifteen years in prison with hard labor for subversion.

“Thankfully, the court system is just like ours, and he’ll be out in a few months for good behavior,” said a US attorney. “No? Okay, well, at least he’ll get a few appeals to- okay, one appeal to- oh.” He made the sign of the cross, adding, “he’s dead already. Well, on the inside. Torture does that to people.”

“If you break our laws, you pay the price,” said a North Korean general. “It’s what all nations do. No, all. Come on, seriously, all of them enforce their laws or else- wait, so you just sorta do some laws and not others? No wonder why your people are so angry. Would you raise your children like that? Then why- you know what? This is great intel, thank you.”

The UN called the sentencing “justified”, “we spent almost two years putting up those ‘do not trespass’ signs. Seriously, don’t go in there” and “why would anyone, ever, go there? No, we are blaming the victim. If you go there, you’re forfeiting your life. Again, super serious.”

“We don’t have a strong world position, and, much like the Europeans, have some pull but really, eh,” said a political talking head. “Okay, I held up my end of the bargain, now can you find me a body? I’m a head, for Christ’s sake! Please!”

High School Radicals Finally Targeted

Denver, CO – A new FBI initiative based on Britain’s “anti-terror” mass surveillance program instructs high schools across America to inform on students who express “anti-government” and “anarchist” political beliefs.

“Well, I wasn’t anti-government before this little tidbit of information,” said Sophomore Jonathan Detti. “But now I hate them and everything they stand for! Socialism is the way to go! I don’t have to really assert myself or do anything. Well, I have to do something or the state throws me in jail, but… huh. Maybe I should give this more thought than a rando hallway discussion. Gotta go, I got English!”

“We’re onto those bastards,” said an FBI agent. “Look at em! Wearin’ shirts that are antiestablishment! Who do they think they are?” He shuddered with anger, adding, “and when I get those snarky sons-of-bitches they’re gonna pay. Oh, with their whole life in front of them, full of love and ideas. They’re gonna pay.”

High schools called the measures “just a step below what we do”, “oh, we’re all about crushing their beautiful souls” and “why do you think we have a drug allowing alliance with the DOJ? Wait, is this on the record or… fair enough.”

“Hey, we keep tabs on everyone, not just high school students,” admitted a White House official. “It’s part of our ‘we know better’ program. Hey, you elected us to wipe your chins and scold you, so that’s what we’re doing. You don’t like daddy warbucks? Then we’ll punish him, but you gotta play ball here, okay? Okay.”

Nuclear Power Plant Execs Charged For Not Covering Up Fukushima Meltdown

Tokyo, Japan – Three former executives with the operator of Japan’s Fukushima nuclear power plant have been charged with negligence for failing to prevent multiple meltdowns at the tsunami-struck facility.

“Since they won’t commit seppuku, we’ll prosecute,” said a Japanese official. “I don’t know if we were officially hoping they’d kill themselves, but it would have made everything a lot easier.” He sighed, adding, “back in the day we didn’t spend nearly as much on court fees. I guess you never know how good you have it until it’s gone, right?”

“That’ll show corporations who’s boss!” yelled a ninety-nine percenter. “Now we’ll get power from coal-burning plants that have no adverse environmental effects.” After a long pause he added, “of course we can’t win, that’s why we’re mad! Now give us what we want or we’ll keep yelling! Feel the coal burn! Right? Is that the… right?”

The World Court called the prosecution “illegal”, “crazy” and “the worst idea since article 9. You know what we mean.”

“Is there some weird thing going on where you’re stitching stories together kinda like word association?” asked a reader. “First it was Mexico, then Mexico tradition, now radiation. What’s next? Radiation and… all done? For the day? But there’s, like, a hundred more stories that- oh, I know they’re all filler, but… yeah, I guess you’re right. Enjoy lunch.”

Mexican Radioactive Material Stolen, Does The Work American Radioactive Material Won’t

Mexico City, Mexico – The interior ministry reported five Mexican states were put on alert yesterday after a truck carrying a container of potentially dangerous radioactive material was stolen.

“This happens all the time,” said an interior ministry officer. “Once in a while you report it, like when you did three years ago, but most of the time it just kinda goes unnoticed.” He shrugged, adding, “if the same people are stealing our radioactive material, they’d have enough for several bombs, so hopefully it’s just a bunch of randos.”

“Umm, we’re not that worried,” said a federal security agent. “I mean, we’re worried but, you know, once we punch out it’s not our problem. I mean, we need more spending and stuff. I know it’s a tired cliche but it’s pretty airtight when it comes to complaining about things so… it’s your fault we’re all going to die. Oops, break time!”

The Canadian government admitted “we lost a lot of radioactive material as well”, “we’re super glad you’re so negative about Mexico” and “seriously, it removes a lot of suspicion from us. Oh yes, a lot.”

“Why does Mexico have radioactive material?” asked a woman. “Do they have nuclear power? I have no idea what’s going on down there except that there are drug lords. I dunno, I got it from the news. Well, why should I have to seek out the truth? Shouldn’t you guys provide it for me? And why are you even in my car?”

‘Gator Hurler Captured, Croc Wearer Still At Large

Tampa, FL – A Florida man who allegedly hurled an alligator through a Wendy’s drive-thru window has been taken into custody.

“This gives the great state of Florida a bad name,” said a state official. “Sorry, can we do this one more time? I promise I won’t laugh. No, seriously, I’ll try to…” After fits of laughter he managed, “no… seriously,” and then fell to the ground giggling.

“It’s bad enough I gotta wait three minutes for my food,” testified a witness on the stand. “But now I gotta come here and not eat my food. I haven’t even opened it up, yet! Yeah, exhibit F. That’s it! Please, sir, if you have any decency at all, please let me eat my food. What? How dare you, I am a man of high moral fortitude! And I dressed up, too! Look, these are my best flops!”

A spokeshorse from the Animal Kingdom called the incident “alarming”, “we are not pets, we are not weapons, we are animals and don’t forget it!” and “also, can someone get me some water. No, don’t lead me there, just bring me a glass. Jesus, if I had a nickel for every time I heard that one. No, about seven dollars and sixty cents. Yeah, it’s a lot for a horse.”

“The worst part about this is we never found the alligator,” said an Animal Control officer. “So yeah, just be careful when you go to Florida. I dunno, all of it? Yes, especially Miami. Yeah, it’s still that bad. Yeah. Oh yeah. Nah. Yeah. Okay, see ya!”

Have You Checked Your Criminal Number Lately?

Fresno, CA – As a national debate has played out over mass surveillance by the National Security Agency, a new generation of technology such as the Beware software being used in Fresno has given local law enforcement officers unprecedented power to peer into the lives of citizens.

“There’s nothing illegal about it,” said a sergeant. “You post anything online, it’s fair game. Yes, this is literally just sourcing online postings. It’s almost ninety-five percent accurate. Yeah, it’s sad lesson that we fear the next generation will learn. But, until then, it’s tazing time!”

“We can help get that score below two thirty,” said a lawyer at a criminal check firm. “Just pay our upfront fee and we’ll go to work for you! Sure, you could do it yourself, but wouldn’t you rather have us troll through your social media accounts and make you look like a saint. It’s the only way to get a drop on the cops!”

A spokeswoman from the Syndicate, a local loose-nit organization of criminals, called the software “disturbing”, “hackable”, and “great. See how we turned from concerned to happy? That’s because in that moment, one of our kids realized it’s super easy to hack. Anyway, gimmie your wallet.”

“If it’s legal, why should I care?” asked a father. “I’m not doing anything illegal. I’m not posting things online. So? Oh, the slippery slope argument is just complaining whilst stroking your beard. Also, nice beard.”