Flint, MI – The man who supervised Flint’s water treatment plant has been charged, along with two state environmental officials, in connection with the Michigan city’s water crisis.
“Justice!” shouted a local man. “That’s the sort of thing that will make me and my children well! I feel so much better about the whole…” He collapsed and was taken to a hospital, where we were later told he had a mild heart attack due to stresses in his life, including the water situation, thus making the whole thing even more emotionally charged.
“This is because the Republicans hate us!” yelled a resident. “They’re all evil and have been out to get us for centuries. No, I don’t know which party imprisoned Japanese after the attack on Pearl Harbor. No, I don’t know who wanted to keep slavery. Look, that’s the past. The party has changed, they’re giving us free stuff so we vote for them, how is that oppressive?”
The rest of the US called the charging “tragic”, “the whole thing: living in Michigan, have Moore as your sad, emotionally crippled representative, being so close to Canada” and “that’s right, we said it: Canada. That’s the real problem here. Well, and Flint. Mostly Flint.”
“Did they change the water back?” asked someone from Florida. “I don’t know because I’m in a totally different area with totally different problems.” He pointed to his gunshot wound, adding, “it’s like the Purge down here. Send help. Please.”