Calamity’s End

It’s been ten years since we first posted the world is going to end and it hasn’t. In the past decade the same preventable tragedies bubble into our news feed, the same tired colloquialisms, the same well-worn fears, and it seems like we don’t do anything to deter or prevent. But here’s the magic we tried to capture with this site: these stories aren’t the norm. The world isn’t falling apart, and even if it was, there’s a very good chance you’re not going to kill and eat your neighbors. Most of us, given the chance to cool down, aren’t reactionary idiots tearing our clothes and screaming as we run down the streets. A vast majority of us are just people. Sure, we have different ideologies on politics, religion, and family, but when you boil all of that away and look at those magical proteins, we’re ninety nine point nine percent the same. As we close this grand experiment that was Calamity News we hope you recognized the extreme position we presented in a decade worth of news stories, and rolled your eyes.

Take risks, and be safe.

Thoughts For The Weekend

Welcome to Calamity News, the best daily satirical news site on the planet.

This week you were almost killed by stem cells, judges, drones, military commanders, Facebook, stocks, lines at the airport, sanitizers, spies, cars, robots, racism, courts, hackers, and equality. It’s all true.

Have a safe weekend!

Thoughts For The Weekend

Thank you for reading Calamity News, the only online, satirical, weekday publication that’s not afraid to tell it how it isn’t.

This week you were assaulted by no less than a billion things, including; Florida resort animals, the White House, the British, Led Zeppelin, nasal vaccine, laws, questionable medicine, Mozart, men from the 80’s, polygamists, drugs, fire, the NBA, Saudi Arabia, and even more fire. Don’t believe us? Hey, we’re not in the convincing you business, we’re in the whatever business. We should really finish that paperwork where we write our mission statement.

Have a safe weekend!

Thoughts For The Weekend

Thank you for reading Calamity News, where we put the worst possible spin on the best situation.

This week you almost died from so much stuff, it’s impossible to list all of it. Just kidding! You dodged drunk sailors, Egyptian miners, heat, ISIS, moons, lists, coffee, spacecraft, robots, sleep, hackers, Europeans, markets, cholesterol, and tech purchases. Good on you!

Have a safe weekend.

Thoughts For The Weekend

Thank you for choosing Calamity News when you literally could have chosen to do anything else. Yes, it’s that dramatic.

This week you were almost killed by hackers, smoking, an earthquake, hobbits, more smoking, Disney, secret meetings, Florida, Turkey, China, obesity, guns, ebola, NASA, more hackers, and Swiss voters. Notice how we said ‘almost’ and not ‘definitely.’ That’s because you’re a faceless internet user and we respect your privacy.

Have a safe weekend!

Thoughts For The Weekend

Welcome to Calamity News, where we take out the fear injected in every news story, feed it for six to eight weeks, then re-insert it to create a horrible mutant fear news monster that preys on fear, mostly because that’s all it knows.

Hey, you might have missed it, but you were assaulted this week by SpaceX, unemployment, UFOs, Uber, secret laws, death, ice cream, Europe, and tunnels. You missed it? Well good on you!

Have a safe weekend.

Thoughts For The Weekend

Welcome to Calamity News, where we take the ordinary and conflate it with the extraordinary to make mediumordinary news. It should totally be a word.

This week you were almost killed by the Fed, cell phones, weather, global warming, naps, space, laws, smoking, planes, climate change, robots, and Olympic-sized sex. Sounds like a good way to spend the long weekend.

Have a safe weekend!

Thoughts For The Weekend

Thank you for reading Calamity News. Keep a window open behind this one incase anyone comes in and sees your computer.

This week you were almost killed by so much stuff. You want it listed? Okay, here we go: Columbus, robots, food, genes, mutants, hacking, zombies, NATO, cheaters, doping, drones, exercise, the Supreme Court, and sleep.

Have a safe weekend!

Thoughts For The Weekend

Thank you for reading Calamity News, the last place on Earth you should be visiting without pants. Seriously, get some pants on.

This week you were viciously attacked by bacteria, Russia, the TSA, air, chicken, Brazil, Google, more of Russia, more of Brazil, terrorists, even more TSA agents, storms, Uber, and the planet Mercury. Remember? It wasn’t all at once, but… no? Huh. Looks like it wasn’t that big of a deal after all.

Have a safe weekend!

Thoughts For The Weekend

Welcome to Calamity News, where the end couldn’t be any more neigher. It’s the neighiest! Neigh to the max, ya’ll!

This week you were assaulted by drought, volcanoes, sour grapes, fire, hackers, smoking, ignorance, sex, talc, the undead, solar energy, bitcoin and the CIA. You can figure out how these things really effected you, we’re going to get a drink.

Have a safe weekend!