Thoughts For The Weekend

Welcome to Calamity News, where we can say, with no uncertainty what-so-ever, that the world will end. Oh no, not right now, or even that soon, but rest assured, the panic-stricken, pearl-clutching, fainting-couch owning press are factually correct: the world will end. It’ll take a solid five billion years, but it’ll happen as the sun slowly expands as it begins to burn different fuels and envelops the earth. Until then, maybe you should focus on more immediate problems, like what gives your life purpose. Unless, of course, your purpose is to freak out and keep yelling that the world will end.

Have a safe weekend!

Thoughts For The Weekend

Thank you for reading Calamity News, your number one sardonic news website. Well, we’re in your top six. Anyway, let’s not put labels on it.

This week you were assaulted by the ozone, terrorists, the Japanese air force, the Olympics, mosquitos, Chinese nukes, money, poison, egos, zoos, porn, healthcare, oil, Euro technocrats, and taxpayers. How did you ever survive. Woah, woah, woah, we didn’t as for your life story.

Have a safe weekend!

Thoughts For The Weekend

Welcome to Calamity News, where every- hold on, this just in: the world is ending right now. Well, right… now. Now! Whatever.

This week you were assaulted by terrorists, political speech, folic acid, space battles, Russian jets, immortality, Uber, banks, WiFi, bunkers, worry, blisters, hail, the Bible, and Chinese spies. Isn’t that always how it is?

Have a safe weekend!

Thoughts For The Weekend

Welcome to Calamity News, where every day is the end of the world. No, you learn how logic works!

This week you were almost obliterated by pig antibiotics, divorced Catholics, Adobe Flash, a planet, your house, a hot linked photo, a lawsuit, a drug company merger, capital punishment, bed bugs, skim milk, North Korea, electric cars, offshore accounts, and the Spanish work ethic. Notice how we said ‘almost?’

Have a safe weekend!

Thoughts For The Weekend

Welcome to Calamity News, where we take the absurd and make it absurder, possibly absurdist. Who’s to know?

This week you were assaulted by nukes, computers, email, China’s generosity, nonexistent killer robots, dolls, words, healthy foods, soup, Wisconsin, Cuba, Facebook, and volcanos, yet somehow you survived. How? No, please, tell us how. Thanks.

Have a safe weekend!

Thoughts For The Weekend

Welcome to Calamity News, where it’s a calamity. But in news form.

This week you almost died at the hands of the FBI, snow, genes, caffeine, hackers, spaceships, the FDA, car drivers, cars without drivers, vegans, elephants, surgeons, Google, and North Korea. So…

Have a safe weekend!

Thoughts For The Weekend

Thank you for choosing Calamity News for all your calamitous news. Seems like a no-brainer but some folks still don’t get it.

This week you were almost killed by ebola, stocks, daylight, winter, whales, ISIS, the Supreme Court, traffic, high school, North Korea, Russia, space, pi, and Serbian missiles. Close one, right? Why are you answering us, we can’t hear you.

Have a safe weekend!

Thoughts For The Weekend

Thank you for reading Calamity News. Like you had a choice, right?

This week you were assaulted by drunk travelers, dopey hackers, bacteria, ISIS, all kinds of food, high school, Facebook, Iran, spies, radiation, carbs, the Church, heat, the FBI, and the sun. If you believe in those things. Right?

Have a safe weekend!

Thoughts For The Weekend

Welcome to Calamity News, where we take the normal freak out news and make it a super-meltdown-hissyfit. Why? Because it’s funny? Whatever, that’s not our job.

You, however, were viciously attacked this week by germs, jobs, North Korea, monkeys, computer code, flight attendants, Russia, football, space, grey hair, cyber dogs, power plant, radioactivity, and demons. You did not, however, die, so… success?

Have a safe weekend!

Thoughts For The Weekend

Thank you for reading Calamity News, where we take the news to the logical extreme. That’s what we do. Every day. Well, except the weekends when news really doesn’t happen. Odd how that works, huh?

This week you were almost killed by al Qaeda, college administrators, Facebook, statues, the poor, security breaches, Russian weapons, voters, e-cigs, terrorists, saving, fireballs, coffee, and missiles. Hey, some of those made sense!

Have a safe weekend.