London, UK – Experts have warned the UK is edging towards a “sexual health crisis” following cuts to STI testing services, as cases of syphilis and gonorrhoea have soared.
“Now Europe can’t tell us what to stick our [expletive deleted]s in!” shouted a United Kingdomer. “I’m off to the hardware store! You know, to get a bunch of stuff to stick… what? No, I’ll make it fit. Come on, mate, they can’t tell us so it’s time to get to stickin’ whilst the stickin’s good! Spare a fiver?”
“Health was never our strong suit,” said a British doctor. “Just look at us. No, take a good look.” After a few moments he added, “now you see, right? The dirt? It won’t come off.” In the interest of full disclosure, we picked this specific doctor for an interview because he was wildly drunk at a local pub and was saying crazy stuff all night.
The experts also warn “don’t swim until forty five minutes after eating”, “don’t pick your nose so much” and “would it kill you to eat a few more vegetables? No, the answer is it won’t.”
“Unfortunately, we expect the rate of sexual contact to rise dramatically,” said a French doctor. “Mostly because the people of Britania are now free.” He gave a long sigh, adding, “sweet, sweet freedom. Well, it’s been an hour, time to pay the Eurozone.” He cut his hand and dripped some blood into a cup marked, ‘Eurozone.’ It was pretty dramatic.
Atlanta, GA – A new study published yesterday finds hundreds of clinics advertising often unproved stem cell treatments for serious diseases such as muscular dystrophy, for autism and for cosmetic procedures such as face lifts and breast enlargements.
“Come on in and improve yourself, with yourself,” said a stem cell shop owner in a commercial. “That’s right, just a quick swab and we’re ready to inject you with things that will make you amazing. Hate things? We can fix them! Yes, all of them!” After flashing the address and phone number he quickly added, “stem cells may do nothing.”
“Look, we all know stem cells are going to slingshot us into the next stage of evolution,” said a man wearing a white lab coat. “Look, I’m no scientist, but I’ve eaten enough stem cells from scientists and we can all agree that I’m talking really fast and you’re unable to look away. Look, yes, you’re all going to die from my mad plan, but… sorry, I never knew how to exit. Bye?”
The study also noted “there’s no way to stop people from selling unproven stem cell treatments”, “this is surely the best case we can think of for vigilante justice” and “die, scientists, die!”
“Well, it looks like everything’s wrapped up for the long weekend,” said a reader. “Yep, nothing at all left to read.” He closed his browser, gathered his belongings, and went out to have a 4th full of memories.
Washington DC – The Food and Drug Administration says makers of hand sanitizers need to show they’re safe and work as well as people believe they do.
“Look, this product has been out on the market for a solid twenty years,” said a low-level FDA official. “So it’s about time to start questioning it, it’s function, it’s purpose, it’s effectivity.” He wiped his nose on his sleeve, adding, “why not, right? We all gotta keep busy, or whatever.”
“Our product is as safe as lead or poison,” said a hand sanitizer executive. “And yes, it’s supposed to be poisonous, that’s the whole point. We kill bacteria that makes you sick. We’ve kept you healthy for lo these many years and we’d appreciate a thank you or a card or something. Yes, ‘lo.'”
The FDA is also looking into the effectiveness of “the pill”, “tissues” and “the FDA. Wait a minute, is that right? Well, we can tell you right now, we’re super effective. Case closed. No, case closed!”
“They’re pretty good,” said a woman. “But not as good as washing with soap and water. Hold on, are you identifying me as just a woman and not as the head of a hospital? That’s very insulting. No, I am a woman, but- yes, I understand that gender diversity is important, but I’m more than- okay, now you’re just being obstinate. You’ll hear from our lawyers.”
Winston-Salem, NC – Researchers reported in the Journal of Hand Therapy that men and women under thirty have weaker grip strength than they did back in 1985.
“Yes, it’s true,” said a researcher. “There is such a thing called the Journal of Hand Therapy. Oh, you won’t believe the journals we found. In fact, look for our new report in the Journal of Journal Reviews. It’s bi-quarterly. No, that’s the Quarterly Journal Review. They’re much more active, but we found their content to be lacking.”
“That’s it!” said a millennial. “I’m gonna punch you.” What followed was a slow-motion sort of punch/slap that glanced off of our reporter’s elbow. “Yeah, now you’re my bitch. I mean, unless you identify another way. I’m so sorry, that’s… lemme buy you a locally sourced microbrew. Not that you couldn’t buy one yourself. I mean… sorry, I gotta tweet all of this before I forget it.”
Researchers also found “women were a lot more sassy in the 80s”, “hotdogs were better in the 80s” and “let’s face it, our best days are behind us. Well, until those Baby Boomers die off. Ugh, right?”
“Dude, the 80s are wicked awesome!” said a kid dressed in a day-glow windbreaker, knee-high socks, a sweatband, and short-shorts with a walkman on his waistband. We couldn’t tell if he was being sarcastic or trying to give the 80s a proper sendoff, but felt weird asking, so we gave a curt nod and moved on. “Radical!” he yelled after us, further muddying the emotionally confusing waters.
Atlanta, GA – A new study shows physicians who accepted even one meal sponsored by a drug company were much more likely to prescribe a name-brand drug to patients later.
“It’s not like that,” said Dr. Geo Dominici. “I’m going to write you a prescription for these three drugs. Take them four times a day, with water, and then, hold on, lemme write you two more to balance out- you know what? Let’s make it an even seven.” After writing the scrips he picked at his white coat, adding, “huh, is that steak or lobster?”
“So I don’t need these drugs?” asked a woman at St. Bernadine’s Recovery Ward. “They just over prescribed? So the voices? They’re not- hold on, they’re tell me- okay. Yes, but he’s not worthy- okay. No, you shut up! No!” She then charged our reporter and tried to bite his face off. Thankfully, the restrains kept her from doing any permanent damage.
The study also showed “doctors love getting box seats to anything”, “physicians sure do enjoy eating delicious things in nice places” and “it’s almost like they believe that a decade of hard work equates to success! Those sick bastards. That’s right, we’re editorializing in a study. Deal!”
“It’s probably more,” said a professor of sociology at Fresno State University. “Think about it: how many doctors would really admit they broke the Hippocratic Oath for a meal? Yeah, we’re not at the top of the health heap. Yeah, it’s a heap.”
Paris, France – The International Agency for Research on Cancer (IARC) stepped down its classification of coffee as a possible cause of cancer, and says its fresh review of the evidence shows it’s not clear whether it does or not.
“Coffee is completely cancer free,” said a scientist. “So ignore what we’ve been hinting at and/or reporting for the past few decades. Unless we’re wrong. Oh, but, you know, there’s no way to follow up or call us out on our incorrectness, and even if there was, we’d say that’s what we concluded from our limited data, so to answer your question: yeah, we are sorta like gods just making up the rules as we go along. It’s awesome.”
“Damn it!” said tea lobbyist Ferdinand Schantz. “The whole point was to drive down coffee and restore tea to its rightful place in the drinkequium! It’s a word, don’t even start with me today about drinkequium. I said don’t start! Look, I’m going to give you a pass because we’ve worked together for so- that’s it! Knife attack!”
Other classifications were also degraded, including “airplanes as magic”, “fire as a reflection of God’s anger with mankind” and “the thing at the back of your throat. Yeah, we’re taking away its name, as it’s not important anymore.”
“So drink some coffee, kids!” yelled a teacher. “Drink it all! Why should I [expletive deleted]ing care? You obviously don’t care! It’s the end of school. Have some [expletive deleted]ing coffee you little [expletive deleted]ing [expletive deleted]s.” In the silence that followed she added, “is what you should never hear. Dismissed.”
Boston, MA – The new American Academy of Sleep Medicine (AASM) guidelines claim at least twenty percent of twelve-year-olds get less than the recommended nine hours of sleep per night and there is increasing evidence that this impacts learning and memory.
“You need us,” said an Academy member. “Without us, you wouldn’t be sleeping. No, I’m serious, you wouldn’t sleep without us. You know those grants and federal funding that’ve bought this building, given us cars, gotten us those retreats to Hawaii? That barely scratches the surface of why you need us. Obey! Obey the Academy. Very good, now… sleep!”
“My kid is always awake,” said a father. “Ugh, I’m so sick of it. And now science is telling me that I’m right? I should have my kids sleeping for years on end?” When we tried to explain the basics of the study he jumped out of his chair and yelled, “oh crap! I gotta go! I totally forgot I left a few of them in the car! Damn it, where are my keys?”
The guidelines also claim “you need to dream more”, “we’re totally not going to take your stuff when you sleep” and “why would you ask why would we say that? That’s super weird! No, you’re being super weird. No you are!”
“I’m doing just fine,” said a teen as she drank her third cup of coffee. “Everyone knows you don’t need that much sleep what with coffee. Hey, has there ever been a study about teens and coffee? Really? What did- oh no. Really? But I can’t stop… wait, help!”
Oxford, UK – An international group of experts has claimed cholesterol does not cause heart disease in the elderly and trying to reduce it with drugs like statins is a waste of time.
“Turns out we made a lot of assumptions we never should have made,” said a researcher. “I mean, like, a lot. In fact, we printed all of them out and put them in a room to show just how many we made. Wanna see it?” When we declined he added, “it kinda ruins the moment if you don’t go along with it. Come on, it’s right here. This is the door, right- hey, don’t just leave! Hey!”
“Oh, yeah, that’s not a thing,” said an angel in a dream. “The Lord put cholesterol as a fail-safe against kings living too long. He never envisioned a world where everyone ate and drank like kings.” After a long pause he added, “also, some of the presumptions you have about God are slightly off. Oh, time to wake up!”
The National Cholesterol Association called the finding “stupid”, “pension-killing” and “yes, we invested a lot of time building this organization and won’t have some eggheads in lab coats ruin it. We deserve success! We deserve it!”
“Eh?” asked an old man. “So I could have had steak after all these years?” He picked up his cane and added, “then you have taken joy from an old man. Shame on you. Hold on, I’m gonna Tweet this.” He then left a scathing tweet condemning modern science and called for better reporting on studies.
Atlanta, GA – The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention claim just eleven percent of high school students said they currently smoked in 2015.
“I know we’ve been complaining about this since last week, but it bears repeating,” said a CDC official. “Most kids need to smoke or we’re going to be out of a job!” He looked around nervously before adding, “it’s our job to prey on the sick and stupid. Come on, guys, throw us a bone, okay? Here, the first pack is on us. Take it!”
“Yeah, I don’t smoke,” said a vaper. “I vape. You dig? What do you mean ‘kids don’t say, ‘you dig?” I’m a kid and I smoke the vape, okay?” He tore off his mask and yelled, “fine! You got me! Elders for smokers unite!” then ran off with no further explanation. Having little to no time to meet the deadline for this article, we have no way of explaining this very bizarre encounter and will leave it up to your imagination.
The CDC expressed concern that “not enough people are eating carcinogens”, “we need more toddlers playing with bare electrical wires” and “where’s all the drinking and driving? Damn it, people, you’re not living unless you’re taking unnecessary and easily preventable risks!”
“Thank God drug use is still up,” said a local dealer. “Or we’d both have a problem.” Without getting too much into it, he was right. Painfully, painfully correct.
Washington DC – The latest reports show that forty percent of US women are obese, and American teenagers are also continuing to put on weight.
“This is an epidemic that’s out of control!” yelled a doctor. “It’s spreading to everyone and killing untold millions! We all need to panic, big time! No, bigger! Yeah, but wave your arms around when you- that’s it. Now the yell has to be genuine. No, that’s a falsetto- yeah, more like- yeah! Good! Now, run out into the street and don’t stop yelling until they haul you away! Go!”
“I am beautiful just the way I am,” said an obese woman from her hospital bed. “And no one can tell me…” She took a few gasps as the machines regulated her oxygen and pumped more drugs into her body. After several hours she awoke, and added, “what have I done? Besides ignore-” She then slipped back into unconsciousness.
The National Cane Sugar Trade Association called the report “wrong”, “erroneous” and “not factually accurate. Everyone needs sugar to live, right? So you’re telling us, an association of people who’s lives are dedicated to keeping others alive and happy, that our product is killing people by making them obese? Then you, sir, can go to hell. Yeah, that’s our statement. Oh, yes, we’re totally assuming the question is hostile. No, it will be, trust us.”
“What can I do?” asked a frantic parent. “It’s not like I’m shopping for these foods and am making choices for me and my family! Wait, I am. Oh. Okay, no, I can just change- yeah, sorry, that was dumb.”