Atlanta, GA – The CDC is out with new numbers, reporting that thousands of public pools and water parks across the country have to be shut down because bacteria counts are off the charts.
“Yeah! We’re off the charts!” said lifeguard and Sophomore Reginald ‘Reg’ Simmons. “Dude, that’s awesome!” After high-fiving several other high school workers he added, “I literally have no responsibilities and life couldn’t get any better! And I just got my license! Best, summer, ever!”
“So that’s why,” said the ghost of a middle-aged man. “I thought it was a poor diet and no exercise, but it was poisonous public pool water all along. Well, looks like it’s time to haunt the women’s bathroom and changing area.” True to his word, he haunted the spot until it was torn down after the town’s funding priorities changed in 2062.
The CDC also warned of an increase in “athlete’s foot from trampolines”, “getting shot with a stray arrow at basic 1 and basic 2 archery classes” and “so many more mauling at the zoo. Like, so many. We have the numbers and trust it, it looks really, really bad.”
“This is exactly how the rich are keeping the poor down!” yelled an angry man. “Sorry, I can’t just turn it off. Remember when we were in the streets chanting about the rights of the ninety-nine percenters? God, those were great times. Yeah, I lost my job because I was out protesting instead of working on my career but… oh well, right? Right?”