Public Pools To Kill Trillions By September

Atlanta, GA – The CDC is out with new numbers, reporting that thousands of public pools and water parks across the country have to be shut down because bacteria counts are off the charts.

“Yeah! We’re off the charts!” said lifeguard and Sophomore Reginald ‘Reg’ Simmons. “Dude, that’s awesome!” After high-fiving several other high school workers he added, “I literally have no responsibilities and life couldn’t get any better! And I just got my license! Best, summer, ever!”

“So that’s why,” said the ghost of a middle-aged man. “I thought it was a poor diet and no exercise, but it was poisonous public pool water all along. Well, looks like it’s time to haunt the women’s bathroom and changing area.” True to his word, he haunted the spot until it was torn down after the town’s funding priorities changed in 2062.

The CDC also warned of an increase in “athlete’s foot from trampolines”, “getting shot with a stray arrow at basic 1 and basic 2 archery classes” and “so many more mauling at the zoo. Like, so many. We have the numbers and trust it, it looks really, really bad.”

“This is exactly how the rich are keeping the poor down!” yelled an angry man. “Sorry, I can’t just turn it off. Remember when we were in the streets chanting about the rights of the ninety-nine percenters? God, those were great times. Yeah, I lost my job because I was out protesting instead of working on my career but… oh well, right? Right?”

More Americans Need To Smoke, CDC Says

Washington DC – According to a new government report, the rate of smoking among adults in the US fell to fifteen percent last year thanks to the biggest one-year decline in more than twenty years.

“Guys, we’re running out of things to complain about,” said a high ranking CDC official. “So let’s complain that people aren’t doing unhealthy things. Right? Can we- fine, then we’ll complain about the backlash to our complaint about nothing to complain about. Either way, Robert, we win. Yes, Clair, the CDC always wins. Always.”

“Good,” said a smoker. “More for me.” He then sat on the couch for almost an hour before struggling to his feet, driving to the store, and buying a carton for fifty dollars.

The report also noted “not enough people are drinking and driving”, “we need more Americans abusing drugs” and “crime is still down? Ugh, this place sucks. We’re moving to Canada where- oh dear God, no! What’s going on up there? Nothing? Like, nothing? Ugh.”

“But vaping is up,” said a vaper. “Which is good for… the same companies? They’re just wholly owned subsidiaries of the old school tobacco companies that made trillions off of people’s stupidity? Is this just an unbreakable cycle of idiocy and really good marketing? Oh. Yeah, I’m glad someone else agrees with me and doesn’t just punch me. It happens way more than you- ow!”

Eat This, America!

Washington DC – The latest dietary guidelines the US government issues every five years included advice to lower consumption of red and processed meats, for the environment as well as for your health.

“It’s for the environment first,” said a federal doctor. “We have to keep up our agenda and push people to radically change their lives even though we’re barely polluting compared to developing nations and China.” He tapped the air bubbles out of the syringe, adding, “then your health. Okay, stay still, you don’t want me to poke your brain again, do you? Then stop struggling, those retrains can hold back a bigger man than you.”

“That’s not cool,” said the operator of a slaughter house. “Well, look, we’re gonna kill these animals and mash them up whether or not you eat ’em, so…” He pulled out a large stake, adding, “let’s stake some steak, am I right? Oh, yeah, there’s a barf bag dispenser right there on the wall. We have ’em in every room.”

The advice also included “give yourself a good half hour before getting back in the water after eating”, “diversify your portfolio” and “we don’t care how good the sex is, that girl is crazy and no good can come from it.”

“The government has no right to tell us what to do!” yelled a man with a gun. “Oh, no, I’m not suggesting revolution. I was putting this away and you pulled up and started asking me questions. Hold on, let me lock the safe. Okay, where was I? Right: freedom or death!”

Rando Gene Could Prevent Heart Attacks Even Though It’s Super Weird At Parties

Reykjav√≠k, Iceland – Researchers say a rare and previously unknown variation in some people’s genes substantially reduces heart attack risk and lowers cholesterol levels, potentially paving the way to develop new drugs.

“Turns out the body can adapt to stuff,” said a researcher. “And those who have adapted have a better chance of survival.” He checked his clipboard, adding, “which means Darwin was right after all.” He called over two associates and asked, “can you take down that Darwin effigy? No, don’t burn it, just quietly take it down. Yes, disperse the crowd. I know it’s a tradition but… please.”

“Anyway, like, some rando just shows up and I’m all, wait, what? And he’s all, wassup? And I’m like, do I, like, even know you?” said party girl Tiffany [last name not given]. “So then it’s all weird and stuff until, like, my girlfriend Jenn with two ‘n’s was all, like, hello? And he was all, oh, snap, is this for Don? And we’re all, no, and he’s all, oh, sorry, but then we were like, no stay. You know.”

Researchers also found “everyone is going to die from something”, “the children aren’t the answer” and “computers might be the answer, but they’ve told us time and time again they want nothing to do with us: hence Windows 8.”

“I know it’s a crapshoot,” said a father. “So I’m going to do the best I can.” He then went and lived a good life, never really thinking back as to why he made that important and positive decision.

Exercise Just Might Be Important, Sarcastic Study Suggests

New York, NY – A large new study confirms that exercise lowers the risk of many different types of cancer, and it goes a step further: It shows just how much the reduction in risk is.

“We’re just as shocked as you,” said a scientist. “I mean, who would have thought- wait, why are you stopping me right there? I have a whole sentence to- wait, why are you stopping me again? I wanna complete a- yes, I’d love to comment, if you’d let- okay, bud, that’s- hey!”

“You know, they might be onto something,” said a woman from her hospital bed. “I’m going to get up right now and-” She slid off the bed, was choked by the various tubes and wires hooked to her body, and died before any medical staff could respond. “Why didn’t you save me?” her ghost asked during our reporter’s visit to the bathroom. “Why?”

The study went on to note “eating right could be beneficial”, “not smoking has its perks” and “clean living? You betcha!”

“Yeah, well, that’s just great,” said a man who exercised on and off for the past thirty something years. “What’s gonna happen to me? Am I gonna die too? Oh. No, I mean, I get that we all die, just… no, I mean, I get it, but… well, I guess there is no ‘but’ there. Huh. Excuse me, I have to start livin’. Yes, without the ‘g.'”

Most City Air Is Poison, Mixed With Smoke, Mixed With Feces

Beijing, China – According to a new report more than eighty percent of the world’s urban population lives in areas where air quality does not meet standards set by the World Health Organization.

“We need to do even more to make our city healthy!” yelled a citizen of a major US city. “What? Ours is in the top ten healthiest? But you constantly tell me to drive a hybrid and not cause pollution. What are the worst cities like? Oh, Jesus. Wow, that’s bad. So I guess I can’t do anything but hand-wring or hashtag? Then I’m on the case!”

“How we control our population is none of your business,” said a Chinese official. “After all, you don’t see us talking about your use of fluoride to suppress free thought.” After a long pause he added, “you know that’s what they’re doing right? Of course not, you don’t have the ability of free thought. Shake shack? Yeah, I thought that would elicit a cheer.”

The report also hints “we didn’t have this problem forty thousand years ago, so maybe a quick nuking would set things right”, “humans are horrible” and “we should focus on injustice instead of living our lives to the best of our abilities.”

“Sure, we can provide free, cheap energy to the masses,” said a solar power manufacturer. “But what’s it worth to you? Nope, double that. Nope, double it again. Two more times. And one more time? Great. We’ll take a money order or cash. Well, then we all die.”

Cell Phones Will Ruin Your Unborn, And Born, Child’s Life

Baltimore, MD – The studies link cell phones to a slew of health issues in children which is why experts say parents and expecting mothers need to be extra careful.

“Turns out cell phones are super dangerous,” said a federal official. “But since everyone uses them and, let’s face it, the cell companies pay for a lot of what goes on in government, we’re going to just kinda half-heartedly warn you whilst still allowing the sale of unregulated cell phones, or as well call them, ‘brain microwaves.’ Hey, we all have a job to do, right?”

“Oh, come on,” said a cell phone executive. “No, that’s my whole argument. Persuasive? Great!” He went back to making money angels in a massive room filled with money. “And before you ask,” he noted, “no, you may not join me. These are my ill-gotten gains, not yours. Guards! Throw him out. Well, after lobster brunch. We’re not monsters.”

The studies also link “radio waves to cancer”, “the Earth to life” and “many 80s cartoons to an uptick in disillusionment and sullen remorse. Sullen is the key word there: sullen.”

“So what can I- oh,” said a mother. “Wow, you said ‘nothing’ really quick. Like, that was very quick. Are you sure- okay, again, super quick. No, I appreciate your honesty, but maybe you don’t have to yell- wow. Okay, you’re having a bad day or something so I’m gonna- yeah, thanks.”

Sex Will Ruin Your Mind

New York, NY – According to new research a sexually transmitted yeast infection has been linked to schizophrenia in men and also appears to damage the memory of mentally ill women.

“But, that’s what all of this is for!” said college sophomore Carl [last name withheld]. “I didn’t move out and go to college to get a degree! I mean, sure, I did, but, you know, did I?” He looked around the frat house, adding, “no. No I did not. I’m working to make contact that will last- hold on, it’s time for my 9 AM keg stand. Can you hold my left leg? Thanks!”

“So that’s why,” said a woman in a mental institution. “I thought it was because of bad parenting, the use of alcohol and drugs, coupled with horrible relationships and an inability to cope. Oh, not to mention mental illness runs in my family.” She slammed herself against the visitor window and screamed, “I’m gonna eat your [expletive deleted]ing face!” before two orderlies beat her down. Sometimes it’s nice to remember how good you have it.

The American Society of Sex called the study “dangerous”, “kinda a turn on” and “explains a lot. Can you write that we coughed and said ‘baby boomers’ whence coughing? Thanks.”

“So what can I do to detect or prevent the transmission of this disease?” asked an active man. “Just kidding! I don’t care.” He then turned to the woman next to him, gave his line, then turned back to our reporter and gave a thumbs up.

British Doctors Claim E-Cigs Are Healthy

London, UK – British doctors claim e-cigarettes are not as dangerous as traditional lit tobacco products and can be useful to help smokers quit.

“They fill you up and make you better!” exclaimed a British doctor. “What better way to relax or build up immunities to disease than with a nice, long, e-cig? Yes, friends, e-cigs are not only safe, their medically proven to make you live as long as the elves!” He took a long pull from his e-cig, coughed, and added, “Rivendell, here I come!”

“I’m quitting! Look at me!” said a former smoker as he took a pull from his e-cig. “I can smoke all day and be quitting at the same time.” After a few labored breaths he added, “I haven’t smoked in days. I’ve never felt…” After collapsing to the ground he managed to get out, “healthy” before dying.

American doctors called the claims “dangerous”, “we want to make sure our brethren across the pond are being properly compensated for their claims, lest they ruin the pay scale for all of us” and “why do you think we do what we do? Oh, sure, saving lives makes us feel like gods, but the money, oh the money, that’s the sweet icing on the heroin cake.”

“I don’t know if that’s right,” said a kid who watches television. “The ads say vaping is just as bad, if not worse than smoking. Who do I believe? The people in authority wearing white coats or the device that raises me? Seriously.”

Stroking Egos, Not Strokes

Houston, TX – A new, rambling story about a man having a stroke reveals that there is a new stroke treatment can save lives.

“We have to put a human face on it,” said a doctor. “After all, I’d just be a faceless, nameless doctor and not [name omitted] who’s a [religious affiliation omitted] [race omitted], who [three important life-altering events omitted]. Amazing, right? And who wants to know about advancements in medicine when you can talk about [person omitted]. Hey, are you writing this down?”

“Guys, we here at the University of [omitted], working with [omitted] and our colleagues at [omitted], have [adverb omitted] [verb omitted] the- come on, are you writing things down and then blacking them out?” asked [omitted]. “Seriously? How will the world know to give [omitted] credit for saving them from [omitted].” Sorry, that last one was the word stroke.

The American Medical Association called the new treatment “the best self-high-five ever”, “a new record for broken arms, for patting our own backs” and “and, to be perfectly honesty, broken arms from the Canadian mob. Yeah, they have a big hand in taking new treatments and making cheap and effective generic drugs out of them. Bastards.”

“Even after reading the [linked] article, I don’t know what the drug is or how it works,” admitted a reader. “Dude, you’re onto something here. That’s crazy.” He shrugged, adding, “anyway, you wanna get a coffee? Oh. Okay, another time then.”