Americans Spend A Lot Of Money On Sage, Acupuncture, Good Vibes

Washington DC – Federal researchers report Americans seem to believe in alternative medicine, shelling out more than thirty billion dollars in 2012 alone for treatments ranging from acupuncture to homeopathy.

“That’s garbage!” yelled Dr. Seidberg. “You need drugs, appointments, followups, consultations, drugs to adjust your body to other drugs, a different drug that does the same thing, X-rays, blood draws, lab fees, out-of-network specialists, and, of course, surgery with as many days as possible in the hospital. That’s what’s gonna keep you healthy, not eating right and exercising.” He jabbed a finger in our reporter’s chest, asking, “got it?”

“Well, look how much they spend at church,” said a researcher. “So it makes sense, right?” After what seemed like an eternity he added, “to clarify, we’ve done a lot of research and proved the whole god thing, so… yeah, 1968, look it up. No, I’m not going to argue with you, it’s been solved. Let’s all move on.”

The American Sage Council called the report “damaging”, “did you know that interest in the healthy aspects of sage and sage burning is up almost seventy nine percent?” and “you put it out there in the universe and it comes true. Here, have an ounce, on the house.”

“At the end of the day, you have to do whatever makes you happy,” said a woman. “Because you’re going to die, so why not be happy? What? Yeah, I guess antibiotics is the better route. Okay, you’ve convinced me, I’ll take twelve.” She dabbed at the blood from her ear, adding, “please hurry.”

Germany Collapses Due To Things We Don’t Understand

Berlin, Germany – The yield on the ten year benchmark German bond fell into negative territory for the first time ever this morning, amid global growth concerns and jitters over the UK’s upcoming referendum on its European Union membership.

“Our backs are aching,” said a German. “Because we’re carrying the whole EU! Get it? Why doesn’t anyone get German humor? Is it because we’re pure evil or… yeah, it makes sense.” He wiped away a tear, adding, “can’t we have fun too? Fine! Then we’ll burn it all down! That is the German way! No, seriously, look it up, we have a long and rich history of burning things. Even our modern anarchists burn cars. Look it up.”

“But Germany was the bedrock of this whole thing!” yelled a Greek man. “If they go then the entire scam will be revealed!” He picked up a roll of copper wire, adding, “this is my entire savings! Please, get me out of this hellhole. Yes! Capitalism is the answer. Granted, I don’t really want to work at things, but I hear you have free health- wait! Don’t leave me here!”

The markets also dropped due to “wind”, “something about a planet doing something” and “the markets doing well. It’s all a confusing tangle of emotions and numbers. Mostly emotion. Help.”

“So, at the end of the day, this whole EU thing depends on all the nations doing their best,” said a Brit. “And, let’s face it, socialists and ‘our best’ don’t really, what’s the American word? Jive? Yes, jive. God help us all. Bleak, I know, but…”

Brexit Ruins Markets, Lives, Language

London, UK – Fears Britain is on the verge of voting to leave the European Union, a Brexit, next week spread through global financial markets today, sending Asian and European shares sharply lower and the pound to an eight-week low.

“My fear is what’s driving my economic decisions,” said a day trader. “After all, economics isn’t about math or numbers. It isn’t about supply and demand. It isn’t about business, oh no. No, no, no. It’s about emotion. Raw [expletive deleted]ing emotion.” He fell to his knees, tore open his shirt and yelled, “[expletive deleted]ing emotion!”

“We might exit,” said a Brit after giving a long wink. “Or we might not. Why don’t you give me your wallet to help me decide.” He then took all of the Euros out of our wallets, then added, “eh, we’re still going to exit. But thanks for the funny money.” It was a lesson in humility, one that we will not soon forget.

The markets also over-reacted to “China’s declaration that it owns the world”, “a Swiss statement that they won’t be releasing any invested monies” and “several terrorist acts.”

“Is anyone else annoyed at the term ‘Brexit?'” asked a French woman. “It’s not a word! That’s like saying ‘Chinopoly’ or ‘Canadussy.’ You know, because they’re [expletive deleted]s. Oh, come on, we’re all always thinking it, no? Then why did you know what I meant. Yes, you are good with context clues. You want to grab a wine? Great!”

Fed To Hike Up Their Skit, Rates

Washington DC – Federal Reserve Chair Janet Yellen said an interest rate hike is “probably” appropriate in the coming months if economic data improve.

“Look, we’re sick of hinting at things,” said a Federal Reserve officer. “So we’re going to tell you, straight up, yo, fo real, dis [expletive deleted] is about to get [expletive deleted]ing real, arite?” After doing a quick break dance move he yelled something about being most deaf and then sauntered off.

“No!” shouted a banker. “We’re not in the [expletive deleted]ing business of giving money away! I don’t care if you’re entrusting us with your money. That’s your [expletive deleted]ing bad play, you [expletive deleted]ing [expletive deleted]face. Yes, you are all [expletive deleted]ing [expletive deleted]faces and I don’t care if that comes off as overly aggressive. We’re too big to insult. It doesn’t have to make sense, [expletive deleted]er, that’s the point!”

The Fed also hinted “we might have found that crayon that melted in the rear window area”, “we really should come up with a better word for that area” and “rear shelf? Back space? Whatever, this is a brainstorm, there are no bad suggestions.”

“Good!” said a man who is locked into a mortgage but is starting to save for his kids’ college education. “I’m the only one who likes this, but- ow! Yeah, I guess that was slap worthy. Well, back to my twenty five hundred square foot house and- ow!”

Bitcoin Maker Revealed Just In Time For BitCon

Sydney, Australia – The inventor of the digital currency bitcoin has finally been revealed, according to an interview with several media outlets and a blog post written by the man himself.

“So it was him!” yelled a user. “I knew it all along.” After a very long pause he noted, “so… I guess I’ll just move on with my life and not really worry about this ever again. Not that it really effected me to begin with. Is it effect or affect? Both? In this instance? Well, is it both or broth. Because I’m a bro? Yeah, I do have a lot of time on my hands. A lot.”

“Now we know who to kill,” said a CIA agent. “And then the world will be locked to a fiat currency until the Last War. Oh, yeah, that’s what we’re calling World War III. But some of it’s in space, so it’s the last one. As far as we can tell. Well, as far as the computer can tell. That thing can predict anything. I mean, besides the Royals winning again. Damn Royals.”

Other inventors who have come forward are “Walter R. Aroune, inventor of cats”, “Simon Cambell, the inventor of Europe” and “Donna Fitzgerald, the inventor of, you know, doing like that. No, like that. Yeah, but he’s around… yeah, that.”

“But this is currency that is untethered that has true free market value,” said an American. “That seems strange and dangerous. Huh, yeah, I guess we did really lose our way.” He held up his unemployment check, adding, “oh well!”

Roman Coin Heist Completed After Seventeen Centuries

Madrid, Spain – More than thirteen hundred pounds of bronze Roman coins dating to the third century A.D. have been unearthed by construction workers digging a trench.

“These have to be worth… wait a minute, we converted to Euros! These are worthless!” yelled a trench digger as he began throwing the coins into the ocean. As his fellow trench diggers joined in, the man yelled, “take that, ancient civilization that we know nothing about! What? How many books? Whatever, take that!”

“Hey!” yelled archeologist Dr. Edgar Cosgrove. “That’s our- get the [expletive deleted] out of here! That’s our- no! Get out! I will stab a [expletive deleted]ing [expletive deleted]! Stop digging right now, you [expletive deleted]ing amateurs! Now!”

The Roman Master of Coin called the discovery “just the shot in the arm the Empire needs”, “maybe now we can take on those pesky Vandals” and “wait, I’m a ghost? Nooooooooooooo! Wait, can I spy on the ladies? Ohhhhhhhhh, splendid!”

“It’s amazing to think that things we thought were lost are still buried somewhere,” said a young man. “The world is full of mystery and adventure and this feeling will never go away!” He looked at our reporter, adding, “never.”

Money To Change, Change Hands, Hand Change

Washington DC – The Treasury Secretary will announce plans to both keep Alexander Hamilton on the front of the ten dollar bill and to knock Andrew Jackson off the front of the twenty dollar bill in favor of Harriet Tubman.

“If you say this is stupid, you’re a bigot,” said a woman. “And that’s just a fact.” She waited a long time, then yelled, “racist bigot!” and stomped off.

“It’s time we changed the race discussion in America in the most superficial way possible,” said a White House official. “Because honestly, things have gotten worse, mostly because of our eight years of race baiting. But that’s your fault, racist.”

“Ugh,” said a counterfeiter. “Bad day, right?” After a very long pause he noted, “because I steal- okay. Yeah, no, that’s good you got it. You didn’t look like- okay. No, great. Here, have a fifty.”

The Treasury department denied “bringing back the twelve dollar bill”, “having a soul” and “being able to give a joint statement like this. Also, are you high? Well, then this makes sense.”

“Yeah?” asked a teen. “So? Like, who cares, right?” He did have a point, but then we realized it was about life in general, to which we disagreed, but we couldn’t find him because it was almost an hour later.

Half Of Americans Stiff America

Washington DC – According to data for the 2015 tax year from the Tax Policy Center, an estimated forty five percent of American households, or seventy five million patriots, will pay no federal individual income tax.

“Damn poor!” yelled an IRS agent. “I thought we hired the rich to take care of this whole ‘poor’ problem. Right? Isn’t that why we’re making them fight each other instead of rising up and firing all of us. Honestly, a flat percentage would pull in trillions more and cut about twenty percent of government waste.” He drew his sidearm, adding, “but we can’t have the press blabbing about this, now can we? No, you’re all over the road this morning! You are!”

“Yeah, I stiffed you,” said a non-tax payer. “You stiff.” After a long pause he added, “actually, I put down single two on my form, so I’m getting money back. Yeah, they’re giving me free money, can you believe it? No, you’re still a stiff. I dunno, you just look like one. Like a fuddy-duddy. Yes, people still say that. Whatever, stiff.”

The IRS called the percentage “accurate”, “that’s all we can say on the matter, as we’re not allowed to feel” and “unless it’s the state issued self-loathing joy feeling. Then we’re awash in emotion.”

“Isn’t paying tax dependent on so many different things?” asked a dependent. “How much you make, how much you withhold, your deductions, your credits, your interest both in loans and in savings? So isn’t it a little dramatic to just give the number with little explanation? And stop telling me to shut up.”

Banks Will Still Fail, So Please, Please Do Not Take Out Your Money

Washington DC – Federal regulators say five of the biggest banks in the US haven’t worked out strong plans for how they might reshape themselves in case of failure, which could leave them unable to survive without another taxpayer bailout.

“Hey, you guys bailed us out before, so why not do it again,” said a banker as he burned a barrel of money. “This? Oh, this is how we… I’m not sure how this policy started, but it’s a requirement now.” He pointed to a car crusher, adding, “that’s how we deal with precious metals and the like. There should be a vat of acid around here for our mutual funds.”

“It’s like they’re not listening to us,” said a federal regulator. “We tell them they have to run their business like this, because that’s how we’d do it, but they’re not! A private business, not listening to the government? It’s ridiculous! Oh, I get that they’re their own entity, but we rely too heavily on them, so they have to… well, yeah, I guess we are screwed. Well, not really, because we have our own army. Attack!”

Regulators also complain “they banks don’t bribe us enough”, “there aren’t enough corporate retreats” and “why don’t they give away things for opening accounts. Remember when they used to do that? Remember?”

“I’m sure the next economic collapse will be from something entirely different,” said a politician. “Oh, I couldn’t tell you what, I’m not really sure how anything works. But I appreciate your support.”

Party Like It’s 1933

New York, NY – The Dow Jones industrial average and S&P 500 officially wiped out their year-to-date losses this week, and if the trend continues, it would mark the biggest quarterly comeback since 1933.

“This is great!” said an investor. “All we needed was a massive crash to wipe out a vast majority of our country’s wealth to set up this comeback! Come on, everyone, let’s party!” He looked around the homeless encampment, adding, “oh, right, we lost everything. Well, time to [horrific sexual act omitted] for food.”

“Now that they believe in the system again, let’s do something crazy!” said an investor at a major bank. “How can we hustle people out of their money. Yeah, let’s start with the poor, as they’re generally pretty stupid. Yeah, I hope no one’s recording this either. Wait, what’s Stephanie doing in here? No! This isn’t an official corporate- get out!”

The NASDAQ called the gains “lame as [expletive deleted]”, “dude, you suck at your job” and “yo, for real? If we did what you did we’d lose our jobs. Come on, man, you can’t screw everything up and then expect a parade when you sorta clean up your own mess. We’re millennials and we know that!”

“We all know the market will crash in five years, then take about eight to recover, then crash for another seven,” said a man. “But then, it’ll take about six years to recover and that’s right around when I’ll retire, so no complains over here. I mean, besides the non-stop anxiety between now and 2057.”