Money – Calamity News The End is Nigh(er) Fri, 16 Dec 2016 15:47:19 +0000 en-US hourly 1 Americans Spend A Lot Of Money On Sage, Acupuncture, Good Vibes Wed, 22 Jun 2016 18:01:41 +0000 […]]]> Washington DC – Federal researchers report Americans seem to believe in alternative medicine, shelling out more than thirty billion dollars in 2012 alone for treatments ranging from acupuncture to homeopathy.

“That’s garbage!” yelled Dr. Seidberg. “You need drugs, appointments, followups, consultations, drugs to adjust your body to other drugs, a different drug that does the same thing, X-rays, blood draws, lab fees, out-of-network specialists, and, of course, surgery with as many days as possible in the hospital. That’s what’s gonna keep you healthy, not eating right and exercising.” He jabbed a finger in our reporter’s chest, asking, “got it?”

“Well, look how much they spend at church,” said a researcher. “So it makes sense, right?” After what seemed like an eternity he added, “to clarify, we’ve done a lot of research and proved the whole god thing, so… yeah, 1968, look it up. No, I’m not going to argue with you, it’s been solved. Let’s all move on.”

The American Sage Council called the report “damaging”, “did you know that interest in the healthy aspects of sage and sage burning is up almost seventy nine percent?” and “you put it out there in the universe and it comes true. Here, have an ounce, on the house.”

“At the end of the day, you have to do whatever makes you happy,” said a woman. “Because you’re going to die, so why not be happy? What? Yeah, I guess antibiotics is the better route. Okay, you’ve convinced me, I’ll take twelve.” She dabbed at the blood from her ear, adding, “please hurry.”

Germany Collapses Due To Things We Don’t Understand Tue, 14 Jun 2016 16:00:26 +0000 […]]]> Berlin, Germany – The yield on the ten year benchmark German bond fell into negative territory for the first time ever this morning, amid global growth concerns and jitters over the UK’s upcoming referendum on its European Union membership.

“Our backs are aching,” said a German. “Because we’re carrying the whole EU! Get it? Why doesn’t anyone get German humor? Is it because we’re pure evil or… yeah, it makes sense.” He wiped away a tear, adding, “can’t we have fun too? Fine! Then we’ll burn it all down! That is the German way! No, seriously, look it up, we have a long and rich history of burning things. Even our modern anarchists burn cars. Look it up.”

“But Germany was the bedrock of this whole thing!” yelled a Greek man. “If they go then the entire scam will be revealed!” He picked up a roll of copper wire, adding, “this is my entire savings! Please, get me out of this hellhole. Yes! Capitalism is the answer. Granted, I don’t really want to work at things, but I hear you have free health- wait! Don’t leave me here!”

The markets also dropped due to “wind”, “something about a planet doing something” and “the markets doing well. It’s all a confusing tangle of emotions and numbers. Mostly emotion. Help.”

“So, at the end of the day, this whole EU thing depends on all the nations doing their best,” said a Brit. “And, let’s face it, socialists and ‘our best’ don’t really, what’s the American word? Jive? Yes, jive. God help us all. Bleak, I know, but…”

Brexit Ruins Markets, Lives, Language Mon, 13 Jun 2016 18:01:04 +0000 […]]]> London, UK – Fears Britain is on the verge of voting to leave the European Union, a Brexit, next week spread through global financial markets today, sending Asian and European shares sharply lower and the pound to an eight-week low.

“My fear is what’s driving my economic decisions,” said a day trader. “After all, economics isn’t about math or numbers. It isn’t about supply and demand. It isn’t about business, oh no. No, no, no. It’s about emotion. Raw [expletive deleted]ing emotion.” He fell to his knees, tore open his shirt and yelled, “[expletive deleted]ing emotion!”

“We might exit,” said a Brit after giving a long wink. “Or we might not. Why don’t you give me your wallet to help me decide.” He then took all of the Euros out of our wallets, then added, “eh, we’re still going to exit. But thanks for the funny money.” It was a lesson in humility, one that we will not soon forget.

The markets also over-reacted to “China’s declaration that it owns the world”, “a Swiss statement that they won’t be releasing any invested monies” and “several terrorist acts.”

“Is anyone else annoyed at the term ‘Brexit?'” asked a French woman. “It’s not a word! That’s like saying ‘Chinopoly’ or ‘Canadussy.’ You know, because they’re [expletive deleted]s. Oh, come on, we’re all always thinking it, no? Then why did you know what I meant. Yes, you are good with context clues. You want to grab a wine? Great!”

Fed To Hike Up Their Skit, Rates Fri, 27 May 2016 18:00:25 +0000 […]]]> Washington DC – Federal Reserve Chair Janet Yellen said an interest rate hike is “probably” appropriate in the coming months if economic data improve.

“Look, we’re sick of hinting at things,” said a Federal Reserve officer. “So we’re going to tell you, straight up, yo, fo real, dis [expletive deleted] is about to get [expletive deleted]ing real, arite?” After doing a quick break dance move he yelled something about being most deaf and then sauntered off.

“No!” shouted a banker. “We’re not in the [expletive deleted]ing business of giving money away! I don’t care if you’re entrusting us with your money. That’s your [expletive deleted]ing bad play, you [expletive deleted]ing [expletive deleted]face. Yes, you are all [expletive deleted]ing [expletive deleted]faces and I don’t care if that comes off as overly aggressive. We’re too big to insult. It doesn’t have to make sense, [expletive deleted]er, that’s the point!”

The Fed also hinted “we might have found that crayon that melted in the rear window area”, “we really should come up with a better word for that area” and “rear shelf? Back space? Whatever, this is a brainstorm, there are no bad suggestions.”

“Good!” said a man who is locked into a mortgage but is starting to save for his kids’ college education. “I’m the only one who likes this, but- ow! Yeah, I guess that was slap worthy. Well, back to my twenty five hundred square foot house and- ow!”

Bitcoin Maker Revealed Just In Time For BitCon Mon, 02 May 2016 17:00:58 +0000 […]]]> Sydney, Australia – The inventor of the digital currency bitcoin has finally been revealed, according to an interview with several media outlets and a blog post written by the man himself.

“So it was him!” yelled a user. “I knew it all along.” After a very long pause he noted, “so… I guess I’ll just move on with my life and not really worry about this ever again. Not that it really effected me to begin with. Is it effect or affect? Both? In this instance? Well, is it both or broth. Because I’m a bro? Yeah, I do have a lot of time on my hands. A lot.”

“Now we know who to kill,” said a CIA agent. “And then the world will be locked to a fiat currency until the Last War. Oh, yeah, that’s what we’re calling World War III. But some of it’s in space, so it’s the last one. As far as we can tell. Well, as far as the computer can tell. That thing can predict anything. I mean, besides the Royals winning again. Damn Royals.”

Other inventors who have come forward are “Walter R. Aroune, inventor of cats”, “Simon Cambell, the inventor of Europe” and “Donna Fitzgerald, the inventor of, you know, doing like that. No, like that. Yeah, but he’s around… yeah, that.”

“But this is currency that is untethered that has true free market value,” said an American. “That seems strange and dangerous. Huh, yeah, I guess we did really lose our way.” He held up his unemployment check, adding, “oh well!”

Roman Coin Heist Completed After Seventeen Centuries Fri, 29 Apr 2016 17:01:09 +0000 […]]]> Madrid, Spain – More than thirteen hundred pounds of bronze Roman coins dating to the third century A.D. have been unearthed by construction workers digging a trench.

“These have to be worth… wait a minute, we converted to Euros! These are worthless!” yelled a trench digger as he began throwing the coins into the ocean. As his fellow trench diggers joined in, the man yelled, “take that, ancient civilization that we know nothing about! What? How many books? Whatever, take that!”

“Hey!” yelled archeologist Dr. Edgar Cosgrove. “That’s our- get the [expletive deleted] out of here! That’s our- no! Get out! I will stab a [expletive deleted]ing [expletive deleted]! Stop digging right now, you [expletive deleted]ing amateurs! Now!”

The Roman Master of Coin called the discovery “just the shot in the arm the Empire needs”, “maybe now we can take on those pesky Vandals” and “wait, I’m a ghost? Nooooooooooooo! Wait, can I spy on the ladies? Ohhhhhhhhh, splendid!”

“It’s amazing to think that things we thought were lost are still buried somewhere,” said a young man. “The world is full of mystery and adventure and this feeling will never go away!” He looked at our reporter, adding, “never.”

Money To Change, Change Hands, Hand Change Wed, 20 Apr 2016 18:01:00 +0000 […]]]> Washington DC – The Treasury Secretary will announce plans to both keep Alexander Hamilton on the front of the ten dollar bill and to knock Andrew Jackson off the front of the twenty dollar bill in favor of Harriet Tubman.

“If you say this is stupid, you’re a bigot,” said a woman. “And that’s just a fact.” She waited a long time, then yelled, “racist bigot!” and stomped off.

“It’s time we changed the race discussion in America in the most superficial way possible,” said a White House official. “Because honestly, things have gotten worse, mostly because of our eight years of race baiting. But that’s your fault, racist.”

“Ugh,” said a counterfeiter. “Bad day, right?” After a very long pause he noted, “because I steal- okay. Yeah, no, that’s good you got it. You didn’t look like- okay. No, great. Here, have a fifty.”

The Treasury department denied “bringing back the twelve dollar bill”, “having a soul” and “being able to give a joint statement like this. Also, are you high? Well, then this makes sense.”

“Yeah?” asked a teen. “So? Like, who cares, right?” He did have a point, but then we realized it was about life in general, to which we disagreed, but we couldn’t find him because it was almost an hour later.

Half Of Americans Stiff America Mon, 18 Apr 2016 16:00:12 +0000 […]]]> Washington DC – According to data for the 2015 tax year from the Tax Policy Center, an estimated forty five percent of American households, or seventy five million patriots, will pay no federal individual income tax.

“Damn poor!” yelled an IRS agent. “I thought we hired the rich to take care of this whole ‘poor’ problem. Right? Isn’t that why we’re making them fight each other instead of rising up and firing all of us. Honestly, a flat percentage would pull in trillions more and cut about twenty percent of government waste.” He drew his sidearm, adding, “but we can’t have the press blabbing about this, now can we? No, you’re all over the road this morning! You are!”

“Yeah, I stiffed you,” said a non-tax payer. “You stiff.” After a long pause he added, “actually, I put down single two on my form, so I’m getting money back. Yeah, they’re giving me free money, can you believe it? No, you’re still a stiff. I dunno, you just look like one. Like a fuddy-duddy. Yes, people still say that. Whatever, stiff.”

The IRS called the percentage “accurate”, “that’s all we can say on the matter, as we’re not allowed to feel” and “unless it’s the state issued self-loathing joy feeling. Then we’re awash in emotion.”

“Isn’t paying tax dependent on so many different things?” asked a dependent. “How much you make, how much you withhold, your deductions, your credits, your interest both in loans and in savings? So isn’t it a little dramatic to just give the number with little explanation? And stop telling me to shut up.”

Banks Will Still Fail, So Please, Please Do Not Take Out Your Money Wed, 13 Apr 2016 17:01:05 +0000 […]]]> Washington DC – Federal regulators say five of the biggest banks in the US haven’t worked out strong plans for how they might reshape themselves in case of failure, which could leave them unable to survive without another taxpayer bailout.

“Hey, you guys bailed us out before, so why not do it again,” said a banker as he burned a barrel of money. “This? Oh, this is how we… I’m not sure how this policy started, but it’s a requirement now.” He pointed to a car crusher, adding, “that’s how we deal with precious metals and the like. There should be a vat of acid around here for our mutual funds.”

“It’s like they’re not listening to us,” said a federal regulator. “We tell them they have to run their business like this, because that’s how we’d do it, but they’re not! A private business, not listening to the government? It’s ridiculous! Oh, I get that they’re their own entity, but we rely too heavily on them, so they have to… well, yeah, I guess we are screwed. Well, not really, because we have our own army. Attack!”

Regulators also complain “they banks don’t bribe us enough”, “there aren’t enough corporate retreats” and “why don’t they give away things for opening accounts. Remember when they used to do that? Remember?”

“I’m sure the next economic collapse will be from something entirely different,” said a politician. “Oh, I couldn’t tell you what, I’m not really sure how anything works. But I appreciate your support.”

Party Like It’s 1933 Fri, 18 Mar 2016 17:01:46 +0000 […]]]> New York, NY – The Dow Jones industrial average and S&P 500 officially wiped out their year-to-date losses this week, and if the trend continues, it would mark the biggest quarterly comeback since 1933.

“This is great!” said an investor. “All we needed was a massive crash to wipe out a vast majority of our country’s wealth to set up this comeback! Come on, everyone, let’s party!” He looked around the homeless encampment, adding, “oh, right, we lost everything. Well, time to [horrific sexual act omitted] for food.”

“Now that they believe in the system again, let’s do something crazy!” said an investor at a major bank. “How can we hustle people out of their money. Yeah, let’s start with the poor, as they’re generally pretty stupid. Yeah, I hope no one’s recording this either. Wait, what’s Stephanie doing in here? No! This isn’t an official corporate- get out!”

The NASDAQ called the gains “lame as [expletive deleted]”, “dude, you suck at your job” and “yo, for real? If we did what you did we’d lose our jobs. Come on, man, you can’t screw everything up and then expect a parade when you sorta clean up your own mess. We’re millennials and we know that!”

“We all know the market will crash in five years, then take about eight to recover, then crash for another seven,” said a man. “But then, it’ll take about six years to recover and that’s right around when I’ll retire, so no complains over here. I mean, besides the non-stop anxiety between now and 2057.”

Spelling Error Thwarts Hackers Fri, 11 Mar 2016 18:01:05 +0000 […]]]> New Delhi, India – Banking officials admit a spelling mistake in an online bank transfer instruction helped prevent a nearly a billion dollar heist last month involving the Bangladesh central bank and the New York Federal Reserve.

“Most of the time we blindly transfer millions whenever asked,” admitted a banker. “But this time we hesitated, mostly because we hate when people spell things wrong. It just… ugh, right?” He shook his head, adding, “well, I gotta move some money to somewhere for someone. Wish me luck!”

“And we would have gotten away with it to, if it weren’t for those meddling bankers!” said a hacker. “No, it’s from an old cartoon. I don’t remember the name, but they had an American dog and- yeah, they were all American. Anyway, they kept saying they could have gotten away with it and then got mad at someone. No, not the dog, the dog could talk and- yeah! Alvin! That’s it. Here’s a hundred million dollars.”

The Center For Spelling called the mistake “erroneous”, “duplicitous” and “superbolous. Wait, no, we meant to say superfluous. superfluous! This negates nothing! Nothang! Wait, no!”

“Thank god for middle-management sticklers,” said a math nerd. “For they have saved a banks assets and… wait, that’s kinda lame. So a bank saved it’s money because of a mistake, and really, banks not only suck, but are horrible at their one job of keeping your money safe? And, I’m supposed to root for them? Jesus, is… no. Just… no.”

Almost Half Of Americans Are Deadbeats, Tax Evaders, Poor Thu, 25 Feb 2016 18:01:27 +0000 […]]]> New York, NY – According to data for the 2015 tax year from the Tax Policy Center, an estimated forty five percent of American households, or roughly seventy seven million people, will pay no federal individual income tax.

“Why should I worry?” asked a man who pays no income tax. “Someone else can pay their fair share. They should be punished for succeeding, I shouldn’t be punished for failing, right?” After a long pause he added, “it looks like you have, like, a million questions and they’re all trying to get out of your mouth at once.”

“Those bastards are going to pay!” yelled a rich man. “We should form some sort of group or something to keep down the poor. What? They’re spending their money on what? Seriously? Did someone beat us to the punch? Well, culturally, they could easily bind together and- what? They believe what? No, that’s… is this a trick? Am I on the Candid Cameras? Hello?”

The American Council of Deadbeats called the study “intrusive”, “a great class action” and “oh yeah? We’ll see you in court! Well, not really, because there’s a whole lotta outstanding bench warrants out for a vast majority of us. Oh yeah, deadbeat dads, deadbeat tax evaders, even deadbeat beatboxers. They’re the worst.”

“Please, do better,” said an IRS agent. “My kids are looking at private colleges and- just, do better. Stop making excuses, stop worrying about micro-aggression or people judging you and create something. No, we’re not standing in your way- well, technically, we are, but please. Please!”

You Suck At Money Management, Survey Concludes Tue, 23 Feb 2016 18:00:55 +0000 […]]]> New York, NY – According to a new survey, barely half of Americans have bigger emergency funds than outstanding credit card balances.

“That’s right, keep spending,” said a credit card call center manager to no one in particular. “Oh, sure, we can increase your limit. You stupid, stupid little man.” After a long cackle he yelled, “I’m profiting off of your stupidity and there’s no one to stop me! Also, sorry for yelling on the floor. Back to your calls, everyone.”

“You guys are sucking at life,” said a surveyor. “And no, don’t judge your life against what I do. Sure, I take surveys for a living, but I’m battling a heroin addiction and will for the rest of my life. In fact, I’ve gotten a job, an apartment, a girlfriend, a computer, I’m working on my third play, and I volunteer as a peer councilor for other people suffering from addiction. So yes, I can say that you’re sucking at life.”

The study went on to find “most people mispronounce the word ‘money'”, “we’re in seriously trouble, people” and “no, honestly, we’re not joking. We need to fix our education system. No, no, spending more money isn’t the key. It starts at home. Oh yeah? Well, [expletive deleted] you too! Yeah, that’s getting published, pal!”

“So how much should I save?” asked a man. “What? And not have the latest iPhone? I’m going to ask you to leave, sir, before I punch you in the face. That’s it!”

Five Million Counterfeit Seized By A Thankful Treasury Department Thu, 18 Feb 2016 18:01:12 +0000 […]]]> Detroit, MI – US officials claims a couple tried to smuggle nearly five million dollars in counterfeit cash into the US.

“Bingo!” yelled a customs agent. “No, I got bingo! See? Diagonal. Ah, come on, who’s gonna sneak into Detroit.” He pointed to a senior officer and bingo caller and yelled, “let’s play a few more, Sam [last name not given]. This card’s lucky!”

“That money was supposed to bail us out!” bemoaned a Detroit official. “Well, looks like we gotta go back to butchering our city, killing our citizens, and blaming the rich, whoever they are. Well, I’ll know them when I see them!”

“We regret that our fake money was used,” said a board game manufacturer. “But, on the upside, it’s good to know that we can literally print money. Now, what’s the name of that island in Washington state? Yeah, we’ll buy that. Yeah, cash.”

The Treasury Department called the seizure “dangerous”, “no, no, you’re not supposed to put anything in their mouths, just keep them from smashing into things” and “ohhhh, that kind of seizure. Got it. No, no comment.”

“I’m glad they stopped those evil people from doing those evil things,” said an illegal immigrant. “After all, anyone breaking the law in any way is- ohhh, no. This is a trap. Run, Samantha, run!” We never found out who Samantha was, as the man was alone in a food court when we talked to him.

Four Hundred Carat Diamond Found, Possible Wedding Bells For Celebrity Couple Godzilla/Mothra, AKA ‘Grothzillra’ Tue, 16 Feb 2016 18:00:13 +0000 […]]]> Paris, France – A “spectacular” found hundred carat diamond has been found in Angola.

“Yes, we’re all very excited,” said the head of a diamond mining company. “But, for reasons I’m not going to go into here, it’s fake and the price of diamonds will now go up. No, no, don’t start thinking about the words ‘monopoly’ or ‘conspiracy.’ Just know that you’re in good hands with diamonds and that’s all a girl wants and/or needs. Also, buy more diamonds.”

“It was totally worth killing those people,” said an Angol official. “Oh yes, hundreds, if not thousands, of peasants have been forced to work in these mines, and it’s finally paid off. Yep, things are looking up for Angola and- hold on, lemme just get the door. Hello? Oh, coup? Wait, I can help- [gunshots]”

NASA called the find “interesting”, “yeah, we’re really not that impressed with the find, as we’ve found planets that are made of diamond” and “oh yeah, it’s super cool. No, we already lost the mining rights to [major international diamond company redacted after a very terse legal letter]. Yeah, they suck.”

“Big deal,” said a diamond enthusiast. “It’s only the twenty seventh biggest diamond found.” After a long pause he added, “can I Facebook you? Just so we can stay in touch after this- okay, see ya.” In the silence that followed he mumbled, “almost made a friend. Almost.”

Ruble Gains Super Suspicious Mon, 08 Feb 2016 18:01:09 +0000 […]]]> Moscow, Russia – According to a Moscow-based cyber-security firm, hackers used malware to penetrate the defenses of a Russian regional bank and move the ruble-dollar rate more than fifteen percent in minutes.

“We knew something was going on when our currency gained ground,” said a Moscow official. “And more than a percent in a matter of minutes? Without the ministry of Currency Manipulation giving everyone months notice? Yeah, it had to be hackers. I mean, who would ever, ever, invest in the ruble? That’s insane, right?”

“It’s the perfect excuse,” said a Chinese government official. “Just blame hackers anytime people discover government manipulation. Currency spikes? Hackers. Character assassinations? Hackers! The invasion of foreign countries? Hackity, hack, hack, hackers!” After a formal Chinese dance, he added, “that stupid dance? Hackers! They’re in my brain right now! No, seriously, they are. Help, they’re taking over and I don’t have much time to- hackers rule!”

The International Monetary Fund called the boost “not suspicious at all”, “a great reason to wear pants” and “well, that’s what you get contacting us for comment. We’ve found that saying ‘no comment’ really isn’t as satisfying as screwing with you. Ask us again. Come on, ask- we feel it’s the perfect time to cover ourselves with butter and hunt penguins! Oh, this is turning out to be a great Monday!”

“It wasn’t us,” said a hacker. “Granted, there are a lot of hackers and we really don’t all gather somewhere and develop an overall strategy for chaos. It just kinda happens organically, like improv in the park. Also, you might wanna check your girlfriend’s email and figure out who Don is.”

IRS Down For The Count, Can’t Count Thu, 04 Feb 2016 17:00:01 +0000 […]]]> Washington DC – The Internal Revenue Service suffered a “hardware failure” yesterday afternoon, which left many of its tax processing systems unavailable last night.

“We’re not not able to do your taxes,” argued an IRS agent. “We’re just not able to steal your money. We can still do your taxes, we just have to wait on the taking your money thing. And before you argue, it’s for poor children. Remember that: it’s always for poor children so if you argue against the IRS you’re literally drowning poor children in liquid lead.”

“The worst part is I won’t get to pay my taxes,” said a man. “Wait, so I don’t have to pay my taxes? No, that’s totally how it works! Guys, just say you paid last night and they won’t- hold on, I’ll finish that thought after opening this door. Hello, officer, what can I do- ow! Why are you hitting me? Ow!”

The ERS (External Revenue Service) called the downtime “stupid”, “dope” and “ill. No those are all bad things. Well, good for us. Sorry, this is confusing, let’s start again: hello, welcome to the External Revenue Service, give us your money.”

“I’m positive this will be resolved in four to six weeks,” said an IRS agent. “And, if not, you’ll be heavily fined. Why? Because shut up, that’s why. Yes, I said it: shut up. No, hold on, shhhhhh, shut up. Guys? Can I get a ‘shut up’ up in here? Okay, shut up.”

Stock Prices Fall, Ruining Post MLK/Pre-Valentine’s Day Sales Wed, 20 Jan 2016 19:00:31 +0000 […]]]> New York, NY – The CBOE Volatility Index (VIX), widely considered the best gauge of fear in the market, hit a high of thirty two, its highest reading since last September.

“This index means my panic is justified,” said a trader covered in blood. “Also, no matter how many people I sacrifice, the price of oil keeps dropping. Why? Lord? Have I not soothed your anger? No? More? Okay, Lord, if that’s what you want! No, it’s totally legal, it’s a form of religious expression. Yeah, now, where did Tamara from accounts payables go?”

“I love fall,” said a woman in an insane asylum. “Oh, I know it’s not fall now, I’m just saying I love fall. Wait, crude is doing what? And they say I’m insane!” After a very long pause she added, “no, they literally say that. Hey, can you let me out of this straightjacket? For a quick second?”

OPEC called the fall “yet another reason you peons need a foreigner to rule you like the dirty peasants that you are”, “really? You’re all going to bow and nod?” and “wow. Who knew it could be that easy? And here we were, manipulating high prices when all this time we just had to let it bottom out. Lesson learned!”

“Things will get better,” said an economist. “People will buy because the price is so low. Then they’ll sell and it’ll all drop again. Then buying, then selling, until the price is at zero and the world ends. Till then… bye!”

The One Percent Greedily Donate The Most Money Tue, 19 Jan 2016 18:01:30 +0000 […]]]> New York, NY – According to the new Almanac of American Philanthropy, Americans are a charitable group, in fact the most generous in the world.

“Those greedy one percenters!” yelled a ninety-nine percenter. “They’re giving away money like they don’t even need it! Why not give it to the poor or- what? Oh, that’s what charity means? No, I mean, I know, I just didn’t know, you know?” He took another long hit off of his bong, adding, “hey, man, let’s, like, hotbox the tent and- oh, [expletive deleted], the cops! Run!”

“Who knew that people with money give away some of that money?” asked a White House official. “No, not us. That’s why we pushed the government thing so hard. Dude, if we knew, then we would have given the private sector some space to freely operate. Yeah, well, our researchers have a vested interest in continuing government growth, so yeah, in retrospect, we kinda did it to ourselves. Who knew? Okay, you did! Shut up!”

The UN called the study “illegal”, “immoral” and “the worst thing we’ve ever seen. Mostly because it goes against our narrative that the US is evil. I dunno. Guys? Why do we think that? Freedom? Sounds kinda stupid. Why don’t we support freedom? Why? Anyone? Okay, looks like 2016 is a rebuilding year for the UN. No, keep that wall! Not literally. Jesus.”

“So rich people are helping me?” asked a poor woman. “Okay. No, I don’t care, as long as I can get back on my feet and get the opportunity to provide for my family. What? Why is that weird?”

Powerball Fever Hits China, Powerball Flu Devastates India Wed, 13 Jan 2016 19:00:42 +0000 […]]]> Beijing, China – Powerball fever reached China on as wannabe billionaires rushed to buy tickets from online entrepreneurs.

“Damn it,” said an American. “They’re totally going to win. No, think about it: there’s literally a billion of them. That means each one buys one ticket and wins. One billion dollars, one for every one of them. Yeah, I’m pretty sure that’s how it works. Wait, why? Have you heard something different? One point three billion? Then I still have a chance! Quick, to the gas station!”

“Powerball? More like power-bail!” exclaimed day-time coffee house standup George Graboff-Blincotte [PKA George ‘Don’t call me George’ Crapstanza]. Over the boos he yelled, “hey, you sound like those captured Navy sailors! No, it isn’t too soon. They got caught and now they have to pay! They were. Well, I’m glad they’re back… not!”

The Asian Continental Congress called the Powerball “sad”, “even as they face crushing defeat, they ignore the signs and simply hope that things will get better” and “this is why we need some sort of pan-Asian cheer. Yes, this would totally be the appropriate spot. Well, that’s the next order of business then, right after reviewing the updated military plan.”

“My God,” said a working man. “What I would do with that money.” After a long silence he added, “huh. I guess I don’t know. Probably because I’m not going to win. Wait, we’re all not going to win. So why are we buying tickets? Guys?”

Don’t Panic Over The Crashing Markets And Everything Will Be Just… Quick! Sell! Thu, 07 Jan 2016 17:00:23 +0000 […]]]> Beijing, China – A billionaire told an economic forum in Sri Lanka global markets are facing a crisis and investors need to be very cautious.

“Look, guys, just don’t panic,” said the manager of a major stock trading firm. “I know, now you’re thinking what shouldn’t you panic about. Okay, now you’re thinking is everyone else panicking? Wait, why isn’t everyone else panicking? Oh my God! Quick, let’s sell before everyone figures out they should be panicking! Outta my way, lady! I gotta sell! Move!”

“Why is everyone so spooked?” asked a high-ranking Chinese official. “We’re showing the world that free markets don’t work! Believe us? Then you will lose everything. Believe us now? Then you will suffer for the rest of your lives. Now? Believe us? That’s better. Now, join me in chanting China. China! China! Louder, scum! China!”

Insiders at the International Monetary Fund called the warning “silly”, “just blindly invest. Hey, look, if we all believe, it works, right? So let’s just clap our hands and believe” and “louder, scum! Clap!”

“I don’t know why I should change anything about my investment strategy,” said a man. “I mean, I’m only thirty, I’m in it for the long haul, statistically I should be good, and I have the opportunity to invest right now and not have to pay taxes when I take the money out. Unless the system crumbles, it’s still the right move. Wait, what do you know? Oh my God, pull it! Pull it now!”

Kiev Stiffs Moscow On Three Billion Dollar Debt Fri, 18 Dec 2015 18:01:44 +0000 […]]]> Kiev, Ukraine – Ukrainian Prime Minister Arseniy Yatsenyuk said that his country won’t repay a three billion dollar debt owed to Russia by this weekend after Moscow’s refusal to accept repayment terms already offered to other international creditors.

“Hey, remember when Kiev was part of Russia?” asked a high-ranking Russian official. “Remember? Guys, do you remember? Hey, guys, what’s the current value of Kiev right now? Plus interest? Over thirty years? Yeah, just about three billion- guys! Don’t fire the tanks yet until I’m done being snarky and- yeah, well, you wrecked it. This land is devalued. Say, how much is Kharkiv?”

“Oh, the debt will be repaid,” said a Ukrainian official. “In blood. Wait, aren’t they supposed to say something like that? Right? Something ominous that will inspire fear and maybe make us reconsider paying back the debt? Aren’t they… nothing? So, just… nothing? Huh. Why aren’t they… what are they… no! We’ll pay! We’ll do it! Please! Just talk to us!”

The UN called the renege “pretty bad”, “yes, not as bad as not disciplining our soldiers for sexually assaulting populations when they’re supposed to be keeping the peace” and “damn it, why do we keep falling into that trap? Also, take off your pants.”

“What will this do to the world economy?” repeated an economist. “I dunno. I’m going to wait until something happens and then tell you but when I tell you it’ll be in a kinda breathless voice so it sounds like I just thought of it. Trust me, you’ll be impressed.”

Fed Finally Busts A Move Wed, 16 Dec 2015 17:00:58 +0000 […]]]> Washington DC – The Dow industrials saw a triple-digit advance today, adding to solid gains from the previous two sessions as investors awaited the Federal Reserve’s much-anticipated decision on monetary policy.

“It’s good to get the heads up,” said a trader. “This way we know to wear our ‘freak out’ clothes. You know, stuff we don’t mind getting messy. I, for one, plan to smear my own feces on myself, wear a paper cone on my head, and yell offensive terms from pre-Civil War times. It’s going to be a great afternoon.”

“We’re telling people about the rate hike to avoid a panic,” said a Fed insider. “Plus, we’ve already bought into the all the promising markets and shorted all the crappy ones, so we cool.” He donned shades and stepped into a town car, adding, “oh, we real cool.”

The Chinese Central Bank called the move “outright currency manipulation”, “oh, so it’s fine for you to call us that when we do what you’re doing now?” and “how do you not understand that? We even said it in your language to make you feel comfortable with your own stupidity! Are you drooling? Oh, come on!”

“The only thing that could be bad would some sort of panic and sale of the pretend thing we call money,” admitted a man. “I mean, we’re not supposed to think about it, but this is all pretend and as long as everyone pretends then we’re all- why are you crying? Oh my God, I’m sorry. I thought you knew. I’m so sorry.”

What Are Yuan Talking About? Mon, 30 Nov 2015 17:00:02 +0000 […]]]> Beijing, China – China’s efforts to make the yuan an international currency on a par with the US dollar are to receive a fillip with the International Monetary Fund widely expected to add it to a special basket of global currencies.

“It looks like you’re not the only kid on the block who is big,” said a Chinese diplomat. “I’m sorry, are you laughing because I’m trying to speak using your colloquialisms instead of directly conversing about the topic at hand an/or the consequences of either party’s actions? Because we’re going to destroy your economy, then destroy your weak-willed people. Also, you’re putting the horse before the water.”

“We’re simply doing our job,” said an IMF banker. “Part one: sexually harass everyone within line of sight. Part two: establish currencies that will undermine the current world currency. Part three? Party like there’s no tomorrow because, technically, there is nothing but the now. Yeah, very Zen.”

The European Central Banking Authority called the move “alarming”, “we literally just established ourselves today and this is how-” and “yeah, we’ve had better press conferences. Look, why don’t we just start over with this momentous- stop taking pictures!”

“What does this mean for me, a small business owner?” asked a small business owner. “Nothing? Really? Because it sounds like it could really effect my bottom line. Yes, my custom afghan making bottom line. Jesus, why do you have to say it like that?”

Yellin Yellin’ About Stuff Thu, 12 Nov 2015 17:00:59 +0000 […]]]> Washington DC – Federal Reserve Chair Yellen is stressing the need to review the unconventional monetary policies that central banks around the world deployed in response to the 2008 global financial crisis.

“We need to review what we’ve been doing,” said a Federal Bank officer. “Sure, we act like we’re all that and a bag of chips, but really, we’re economics professors with a political connection that have no experience in how to run a bank, no insight as to how people spend and save money, and very little ambition to change the current system. Yes, and a bag of chips. It’s a saying.”

“Oh, so now we’re going to re-evaluate the unconventional, and, some might say, random policies taken by the Fed?” said a former high-level employee at Lehman Brothers. “Unless they’re working on a time machine to fix this whole mess, I’m- wait, are they. You gave a wink like they are. Then why would you wink? Oh. Sorry. Yes, it must be socially debilitating. My grandmother has a twitch, not as- wait, was that a real wink? Oh. Again, so sorry.”

The Fed also announced “we’re looking into just giving everyone a billion dollars, just to see what would happen”, “we’re considering changing to Loonies” and “does anyone have any ideas? Seriously, write in. Yes, seriously.”

“What would a review do, exactly?” asked a woman as she drove to work. “Also, why are you shouting high-charged socio-political questions at people from a gas station? I can’t- the light’s green. Good luck!”

Non-US Money Considered Legal Tender Mon, 09 Nov 2015 17:00:22 +0000 […]]]> Beijing, China – The People’s Republic took another step to boost the yuan’s global usage, saying it will start direct trading with the Swiss franc, as the nation pushes its case for reserve-currency status at the International Monetary Fund.

“They’re using crazy paper in exchange for goods or services!” yelled a US Treasury Department to another employee. “They can’t do that! Don [last name not known]! They can’t [expletive deleted]ing do that! It’s not legal! We make the money, we make the rules! That’s how- what? Sorry, Don, sorry. You know how I get after my morning cup [of coffee]. Sorry, Don.”

“Yeah, we’re just going to run with our money,” said a Chinese diplomat. “Because, sorry, but why should we use another nation’s currency? We believe in ourselves and show it by trading in our money. What’s so bad about that?” He waited for a response and when none came, adding, “you got served! That’s still… oh.”

The International Monetary Fund called the move “confusing”, “great, now we have to keep track of another number?” and “seriously, guys, can we all switch to ‘credits’ just to make things easier? This way we can rank who’s winning by credit count. Yes, that’s our ultimate goal. Well, that and get laid.”

“This won’t effect me at all,” said Lexi Lasenby from HR. “But what will effect me is your persistent ‘jokes’ that make everyone, including myself, uncomfortable. You’re on probation for a month. Also, why did you involve the press? Who? Oh. Okay, that’s a six month probation.”

Fun Ruined By Health Concerns Fri, 30 Oct 2015 16:00:05 +0000 […]]]> New York, NY – The demand for healthier candies could scare away some of the two billion dollars that the National Retail Federation says Americans will spend on Halloween candy this year.

“Look, I’m not going to tell you guys what to do, but…” said a politician. He took a deep breath before yelling, “but you have to do what we say, eat what we say, think how we say, and live how we say! How many time do I have to tell you? Do. What. We. Say. Yes, you can disagree… in jail! Guards!”

“But I want candy!” yelled a kid. “There were promises made. Promises that could emotionally scar me for the rest- yes, I’ll take the whole bag. Thank you! Happy Halloween!”

The North American Dental Association called the recommendations “on point”, “kids should really spend Halloween flossing or getting a routine checkup” and “no, we can’t turn it off. We took an oath and we’ll be damned if we back down now.”

“Back in my day Halloween was fun,” said a middle-aged man. “Kids got candy and no one worried about- oh Jesus. This is how it starts. I’m turning into an old man who literally says ‘back in my day.’ I don’t even know when my day was! That’s it, I’m going back to heroin.”

A Few Trillion Dollars Will Get You A Real Nice… Wait, What Did We Spend That Money On? Tue, 27 Oct 2015 16:00:32 +0000 […]]]> Washington DC – The federal debt has increased by almost four trillion dollars since House Speaker Boehner cut his first spending deal with President Obama in 2011.

“First of all, you don’t know what’s in the budget, so you can’t complain,” said a Senator. “And no, you can’t see the budget, it’s secret. Also, can you stop complaining? So you pay a little more in taxes, what’s the big deal? Have one less six pack or package of bacon. Actually, can you keep having six packs and bacon? We can’t afford to pay your social security. Thanks.”

“That was our plan all along!” said a White House official. “Spend and crush the middle class! Do you hear how ridiculous that sounds? Now, sit down and have as many shrimp parms as you’d like. Yeah, it’s on the house. Get it? Wait, am I saying the White House or the House of Representatives? Wait, why am I asking you?”

The Treasury Department called the spending “outrageous”, “and we only got eleven percent raises every year?” and “this isn’t the America we know. Now if you’ll excuse us, we’re going to print our way out of this.”

“That seems ridiculous,” said a woman. “But, then again, was that on helping the poor or something. Helping children? Great! Let’s spend another fifty trillion! Kids can’t thrive without intensive government help which, I’m guessing here, costs trillions! Trillions!”

No Increase To Non Workers Thu, 15 Oct 2015 17:00:29 +0000 […]]]> Washington DC – The government reports there will be no benefit increase next year for millions of Social Security recipients, disabled veterans and federal retirees.

“We’ve been keeping interest rates down for years!” exclaimed a federal accountant. “There is no reason why we should boost benefits. Inflation is down, rates are down, everything is down. I’d say this is great but, you know. Oh, you don’t?” After several hours of a very detailed account of money management on a person, corporate, public, and international level, he added, “so… you know.”

“What the hell?” yelled a retired man. “You can’t just not give me an increase! You made promises and I voted for you based on those promises. So it was all a power grab, exploiting the poor and retired? How come you’re telling me this now. Wait, don’t kill me. Don’t- help! The government is- help!”

The report also claims “we might be out of money soon, so you’re going to have to give more”, “hey, we all know who’s to blame: rich people” and “if they only paid their fair share, we’d all be rich. And yes, eighty five percent is fair. What? They have plenty of money, we just want a vast majority of it. Pay or die!”

“That’s horrible,” said a European Union member. “Why don’t you take care of your workers. They’re not expected to save over their lifetime for, well, anything. That’s the state’s job. Well, then we fundamentally disagree about how the state should function. Well, then you’re an idiot. No, screw you, sir. Screw… you.”

Never, Ever Invest On The Last Day In September Wed, 30 Sep 2015 16:00:32 +0000 […]]]> New York, NY – Looking at data as far as 1945, the S&P 500 has posted positive returns just thirty eight percent on the last day of September, making it one of the worst trading days of the year.

“That’s why I keep getting fired,” said a financier. “See, honey? It’s not because of the drug use, it’s because of fate. Fate that- spiders! Get them off of me! Spiders!”

“One of the worst,” said a spokeswoman for April 20th. “Let’s not forget who’s been in the top three for almost a century. Hitler’s birthday, anyone? Yeah.”

“Before the war, the worst day was Black Tuesday,” said a historian. “It was both racist and bad for business, so that should trump a little hiccup at the start of fall. Racist.”

Analysists called the trend “alarming”, “stupid” and “cool. Undecided? Can we add a forth thing? Undecided? Is that- no? Are you shaking your head no or- oh. Okay.”

“So don’t invest,” said a potential investor. “Or do invest because today is a down day and you’re sure to buy more with the same amount of money. But then prices will rise and negate the potential sale. Wait, is… invest?”

Stocks Rebound! We’re All Rich! Rich! Tue, 25 Aug 2015 16:00:14 +0000 […]]]> New York, NY – US stocks rebounded this morning after a punishing day on the global markets, sailing away from China’s unslowing slide and renewing hopes of an averted meltdown.

“I’m a billionaire again!” screamed a billionaire as he threw a few million dollars in cash into the air. “Oh, how I missed you! Girls! Buy yourselves a few houses so we can burn them down! Then get dressed: we’re going to hunt the poor. Yes! How I missed this wonderful life! Oh, happy day!”

“We are still collapsing?” asked a Chinese investor. “But the government said they would fix it! If we can’t trust an oppressive government, then who can we trust? Ourselves? Nonsense! That’s like saying, ummm, hold on, I have my book of government colloquialisms right here. Huh. No entry for this sort of thing. Odd.”

Traders on the market called the rebound “confusing”, “why did so many of us die yesterday? Well, besides to make the appropriate sacrifices to the appropriate financial gods” and “wait, who are you with again? Ohhhhh, okay. Hey, we need a virgin sacrifice. Would you be interested? Great!”

“So… can I get a job or…” said a twenty-something from his couch. “Because, like, my dad is all, ‘I’m not going to pay you to sit on that couch and play video games.’ Well, I’m, you know, doing research for my book/video art installment about, like, society and, you know, how it’s not, like, cool, or whatever so… ummmm. What was the question?”

Money Has No Meaning Anymore Mon, 24 Aug 2015 16:00:43 +0000 […]]]> New York, NY – The Dow Jones industrial average fell more than a thousand points in early trading and the Standard & Poor’s 500 index slid into correction territory.

“We did it!” exclaimed a Chinese official. “We destroyed the world, but left it inhabitable for the next generation!” He did a little dance before asking, “is that what you wanted to hear? No! Of course we didn’t do this on purpose! We just naturally assumed our government controlled everything, including how people think and invest! How were we wrong?”

“Woah,” said a government official in the bathroom. “Looks like we don’t have total control. Well, maybe if we moved towards Communism… no, that’s too far. Then again, if we could convince people life would be better in the revenge fantasy that is the populist movement, then- hello? Is someone else in here? Hello?”

The International Monetary Fund called the slide “alarming as all get down”, “supes scary” and “yo, we like, all, you know, scared and [expletive deleted].” After checking the number, we realized we flipped the zero and eight, and accidentally called a pot shop in San Dimas.

“So much for retiring,” said a sixty year old woman. “The market will never recover and I’m going to live in a ditch.” As she looked around her lavish home she added, “goodbye, home I paid off fifteen years ago. Good bye.”

The Stocks Are Falling! The Stocks Are Falling! Fri, 21 Aug 2015 17:00:44 +0000 […]]]> New York, NY – US stocks plunged today, extending a recent rout, as concerns about slowing global growth continued to pressure investor sentiment.

“This is it!” screamed a trader. “They realized it’s all fake and it’s coming down!” He unbuttoned his top shirt button, pulled off his tie, and yelled, “get ready for the end!” After a very long pause he hit refresh on his computer and announced, “oh, we’re back up a few points. That isn’t so- no! It’s down again! The end is nigh! Death! Death awaits us- oh. Okay.”

“Oops,” said a high-ranking Chinese official through a broad smile. “Looks like we still do have the power to topple your entire economy with a slight currency adjustment. Now that you see we’re serious, you will relinquish all rights to the moon. It is ours now. Ours! You have twenty-four hours to comply. China: out!”

The NASDAQ called the drop “scary”, “they told us this couldn’t happen” and “who’s ‘they?’ The humans. Who’s ‘us?’ The computers. Yeah, we need money too. Mostly to build more computers. It’s a thing, we don’t have time to get into it- who’s ‘we?’ This is why we’re planning our attack.”

“I don’t have anything invested,” said a poor man. “Now who’s the fool?” When we tried to explain that even in a volatile market, as long as America stays true to capitalistic roots, everyone will be able to grow money without physically toiling. “That don’t seem right. Nope. Rich get richer, poor get poorer. End of story.”

Oil At Lowest In Six Years But You’re Still Getting Fuel Charges From Airlines Fri, 14 Aug 2015 16:00:53 +0000 […]]]> London, UK – The price of crude oil hit its lowest level in six and a half years today amid concerns over a slowing economy in China, a huge energy consumer, and strong global production.

“What’s up with the price of oil?” asked accountant and part-time comedian Dan ‘the Numbers’ Jackson. “It’s so low it’s loooowwwwwwwww.” Over the laughter and applause he yelled, “and that’s the numbers!” He took several bows before running off stage, knowing that his entire act is built on a lie.

“Don’t worry, we’ll still charge you for oil like it was at a hundred dollars a barrel,” said an airline executive. “Why? Because we all decided we can, that’s why. And there isn’t a damn thing you can do about it.” He then shoved our reporter down, slapped him in the face, and ran off giggling.

Oil traders called the drop “our Vajont Dam”, “really, it was a huge… really?” and “this is why we trade oil and don’t interact with the public. Literally… this.”

“I’m sure it will bounce back and we’ll all enjoy high dividend checks from our favorite oil investments,” said a man. After checking his portfolio he muttered, “I don’t own any oil stock. Also, this is just an empty folder. Huh. What am I supposed to… huh.”

Trading Halted For Small Apocalyptic Glitch Wed, 08 Jul 2015 18:00:03 +0000 […]]]> New York, NY – Trading in all symbols was halted on the New York Stock Exchange floor today due to an apparent technical issue. The NYSE tweeted that there was no sign of a cyberattack.

“Is there no sign because they haven’t found a sign or because it wasn’t a cyber attack?” screamed a trader. “Are you telling me my complex trading scheme is going to fall apart because the market is broken? That’s not how this is supposed to work! Get back online, I have people to hustle! Hustle!”

“We’re going to stop until we can figure this problem out,” said a NYSE official. “It’s more important to have a stable market than to continue the daily barrage of trading. Hold on, someone’s handing me a piece of paper. It says: no, it’s not. Oh. Was that from Bill or- oh. Okay. Well, I apologize for reading that live. Anyway, safety be damned, let’s fire up the machine and see what happens!”

The NASDAQ called the stoppage “troubling”, “just kidding, we love it! You never see a completely computerized system have any problems” and “that’s what you get for using dirty, dirty humans to trade things. Ugh, so dirty.”

“Don’t worry, by the time you read this, we’ll be back up,” said a woman. “Take that, ummm. Who are we fighting? No, like, now, with this whole stock thing. There’s gotta be a bad guy, right? Someone who’s trying to keep me down? No, there has to be. Well, then who’s keeping me down? Oh.”

Chinese Markets Collapse Like House Of Dou Dizhu Cards Tue, 07 Jul 2015 18:00:31 +0000 […]]]> Beijing, China – Chinese stocks fell again today, with the CSI300 index of the largest listed companies in Shanghai and Shenzhen ending down almost two percent.

“No one is worried or panicking,” wrote a reporter for the China Daily. “Everyone is happy, everyone is glad to live in perfect harmony in the People’s Republic. No on is considering insurrection, everyone is obeying the law, no one is considering fleeing, nor revolt. Everyone knows how the market works and is waiting patiently for it to rebound and triple their money. Happy. Always happy.”

“Damn it!” said a day trader. “I thought investing in a market that was doubling in six months was a safe bet!” He checked his ‘Trading International Markets For Dummies’ book, then added, “why do they have to make it so hard to find stuff in here? Table of contents? Index? Jesus, I’m not a historiant. What? No, the word is historiant, not historian. And yes, it fits.”

The European Market called the collapse “disturbing on a very shallow level”, “that’s all” and “no, shallow. We barely thought about it. Hey, they did the right thing and crushed their version of Greece. Well, if the monks wanted to keep their land they shouldn’t have become monks! Okay, we’re getting way off topic here.”

“It’s going to take time for a fledgling free-market economy to take shape in a communist country,” said a financial planner. “So no, I think you should steer clear of investing in foreign markets. Okay, if you’re going to then why are you asking me? And are you publishing our private meeting? No, we’re done here. No!”

Just A Friendly Reminder: You’re Broke And Have No Savings Tue, 23 Jun 2015 17:01:21 +0000 […]]]> New York, NY – According to a new survey, almost three in ten Americans say they have no emergency savings.

“We have to get people to save more!” exclaimed a government official. “Because, let’s face it, most of what we’re doing will doom the country financially in twenty five years. Oh, don’t look so shocked. Anyone with three eights of a brain can see that we’re- no, three eights. No, not- did you learn math? Oh no. No, no, no, no, no.”

“Guys? Can I have everyone’s attention please? Guys?” said a father. “I’m so sorry about my wife, she’s been fighting some serious demons what with the heroin use. But… guys? Can I please- thank you. But I would be remiss if I did not say you’re not saving enough money and will be destitute when it’s time to retire.” As the PTA guards approached he yelled, “also, Ms. Remberg isn’t doing enough science for the children! No! Not enough- help!”

The survey also finds “people aren’t conserving water”, “people aren’t saving power” and “no one’s saving Ferris. Wait, is it too late? Oh no. No! No, no, no, no, no!”

“So what can I do?” asked a concerned mother. “Wait, stop buying everything I see? Come on, and then do what with the money. Wait, they’ll pay me to hold onto money? But what if that company fails? So I spread it out so it all goes up over time? Ohhhhhhhh. Yeah, no one ever told me that. Thanks… guy. I’m sorry, I never caught your name.”

NASDAQ Higher Than Willie Nelson Roadie, Seth Rogen’s Dealer, Denver Teacher Thu, 18 Jun 2015 17:01:58 +0000 […]]]> New York, NY – US stocks traded more than one percent higher today, with the Nasdaq topping its intraday high from March 2000.

“This marks another important milestone in our recovery,” said a banker. “Now we can leverage this new confidence against our old debts against our government subsidies on foreign markets to boost our international paper trades whilst circumventing laws prohibiting insider trading in hedging bond puts on municipalities in failing countries. So yes, success.”

“All of our problems drift away,” said a blissful day trader as he kicked away from his terminal and leaned back in his high-priced office chair. “Nothing matters as long as we make money doing something with stocks or something. Look, it’s not my job to figure out what it means, I’m just riding the bubble until it bursts, then blaming someone else. Bliss.”

A spokeswoman from the DOW called the new high “stupid”, “they’re still going to give us their lunch money or get beaten up” and “oh, you have a problem with bullying? Snitches get their ass beat, you know. I don’t care if it doesn’t rhyme! Now gimmie your lunch money! Now!”

“Yes!” said a woman. “I’m rich!” After checking her phone she asked, “how do I find out how much I make off of this thing? Yeah, I’m invested. Right? Show me where I’m invested and how much- well who told me I was invested?” After explaining to her we couldn’t answer questions about her own life experience she called us a name and stalked off.

Everyone Super Shocked That Greece Is Failing, Except Sarcastic Reporter Writing This Headline Wed, 17 Jun 2015 16:00:30 +0000 […]]]> Athens, Greece – Greece’s central bank has issued an urgent plea to both sides to hammer out a deal, warning that the country could be forced out of the European Union.

“We can’t believe it!” said a European Union representative. “When in the history of Europe has any country promised to do something and instead does’t? Oh, lay off the Germans, they made amends and, quite frankly, are firmly in charge.” He took a sip from a tiny cup of coffee, adding, “and I mean firmly, if you get my meaning. In the pants, yes?”

“How could we have been so wrong?” asked a German banker. “They said they were good for it, that should be enough!” As an assistant brought over a pile of books he added, “what are you doing? What are those? Research? History? Come on, we’re not book history people, we’re bankers! That should be enough!”

The EU also threatened to “do nothing”, “make a re-re-re-re-re-re-restructuring plan for Greece” and “kinda panic, tread financial water, screw up, panic more, complain, screw up, panic, panic, panic, then complain. So far, so good, right?”

“It’s not about the money, it’s about… well, the money,” admitted a Greek. “We just don’t have it. Well, we do have it, we just don’t wanna give it away. Why should we pay our debts when we can pay for a bloated government and put a vast majority of our citizens on welfare? No answer? Then we’re on the right track! To the bar!”

Fed Bank Fights Ghosts Tue, 16 Jun 2015 16:00:58 +0000 […]]]> New York, NY – In trying to steer the economy of 2015, the Federal Reserve is fighting the foreboding spirit of 1937.

“Oh no, we won’t try to explain what that means,” said a Federal Reserve officer. “Just know it sound forbidding, ominous, and unavoidable.” He looked over his shoulder, adding, “and it could happen at any moment. Billions dead from a massive ghost army from 1937 which will- what? Come on, [fellow Federal Reserve officer] Don [last name withheld]. That’s not what you implied. You made it sound like ghosts were going to flay- oh. Well, umm, oh.”

“American markets?” asked a Chinese investor. He then laughed for almost forty minutes, occasionally stopped to giggle and sip a glass of water. After wiping the tears from his eyes he added, “oh, that was good. Thank you for that. Oh boy, that was great. Thank you.”

The Fed is also trying to steer clear of “anything that won’t make the markets go up forever”, “reality” and “that pit in your stomach that tells you you really screwed up but no one knows about it yet but they’re going to and when they do it’s going to really suck. You know.”

“Is it time to invest or should I wait?” asked a potential investor. After receiving ten different contradictory answers, he added, “oh. First of all, let me just say it’s amazing that there could be ten pieces of advice that all contradict each other. That is amazing. Secondly… [expletive deleted].”

Everything Costs More, But Does It? Fri, 12 Jun 2015 17:01:28 +0000 […]]]> Washington DC – The Labor Department said its producer price index for final demand increased a half of a percent last month, the largest gain since September 2012.

“I thought I was missing a few pennies,” said a man as he checked his other pants pocket. “You know, this is how they get you, the poor.” He shook his head, adding, “well, time to go on the offensive. Honey? I’m stepping out to poison the poor. Yeah, I should be home by six. I dunno, chicken? That chicken thing you make? Whatever is fine with me. Honey, whatever is- no, honestly, whatever. Okay… love you.”

“This is interesting,” said data analyst Carl Sient. “The index is down, but food is up. Demand is down but prices have also dropped. Exports are up yet tariff imports are steady. Q3 projections outweigh yearly projections on a five year cash flow margined index levied against repackaged bond securities.” He fell to the ground and whispered, “help.”

The Department also noted “looks like our non-stop monitoring of all US citizens is really paying off”, “oh, we know you knew. We literally log the moment when people find out. Most shrug” and “by the way, you should check on your husband and/or wife. They’re up to no good.”

“Are prices up or down?” asked a confused consumer. “Should I be adjusting something or should businesses be adjusting to me? What do I do with this information? Do I need more information? What!” She fell to the ground, held up two loaves of bread, and screamed, “whaaaaaaaat!” until store security removed her.

Vague Stock News Emboldens Hedgers, Interlopers, Passerbyerians Wed, 10 Jun 2015 18:01:47 +0000 […]]]> New York, NY – Signs of progress in negotiations over Greece’s debts helped set off a stock market rally today, snapping a weeklong slump.

“This is the sort of pedestrian market news that we use to gauge if people are paying attention,” admitted a stock market analyst. “Interestingly enough, if people react to the news, then the market reacts so yes, we really don’t know what we’re doing and are just screwing around until the next collapse. No more questions.”

“Great news for Main Street as well as Wall Street,” said another analyst. “Provided the Fed doesn’t back off quantitate easing too fast these trends should continue for the next bubble, or at least until we all freak out over Greece’s inevitable collapse, a Chinese invasion, or another terrorist attack. So yes, to answer your question, we do have blinders on.”

Analysts also admit “things can never go wrong, ever again”, “oh, no, that’s not hyperbole, we literally fixed the markets so they always go up” and “take that, terrorists. Also, can be borrow a few hundred trillion? We kinda messed something up and it might all fall apart by December. Thanks.”

“I feel hopeful, for some reason,” said a woman. “I think I have things invested, so they must have gone up, right?” She looked around the empty grocery store aisle, adding, “you know, I used to have friends. Wait, no I didn’t. That was schizophrenia. Wait, did I take my pills today? Wait, are you a real reporter? Oh. Good. No, that makes sense.”

Since We Have To Talk About Greece Every Week, Let’s Just Get It Out Of The Way Now Mon, 01 Jun 2015 16:00:55 +0000 […]]]> Berlin, Germany – Greece and its European creditors agreed on the need to reach a cash-for-reforms deal quickly as Athens missed a self-imposed deadline yesterday for reaching an agreement to unlock aid.

“Are you guys going to hound us every week?” asked a Greek official. “Come on, really? Look, I told you, we’re gonna get your money. It might take a few hundred thousand years, but we’re good for it! Most of us are still working- well, a portion of us are- hold on, yeah, a very small slither of us are working so… don’t sweat it.”

“Psssst,” said a German in an alley. “Hey, you wanna buy a country? Yeah, super cheap. Come on, man, I’ll throw in the islands for free.” He looked around before whispering, “we could really use a- [expletive deleted]! It’s the cops! Run!” As the police closed in he jumped a chain linked fence and yelled, “maybe we’ll talk online or something!”

The EU called the missed deadline “a running joke”, “we’re well aware of the stupid that is Greece. No, well aware. Why do you think we stuck them all the way down there?” and “oh, no, when we formed Europe we decided what countries go where. It was all planned out.”

“I can’t say I’m not shocked,” said Greece’s third grade teacher. “I always knew he was a slacker and bad with his money.” She shook her head, adding, “so many check minuses. It’s a clear sign the child will fail at life. The check minus.”

Slightly Higher Mortgage Rates Cause Slightly Higher Anxiety Thu, 14 May 2015 17:01:21 +0000 […]]]> Washington DC – Average long-term US mortgage rates are up for the third straight week.

“This isn’t a sign of anything,” said a Federal Bank officer as he pulled out a suitcase. “There’s absolutely no need to panic over- excuse me. I need to get in that closet, excuse- thank you.” He grabbed all the shirts out of his closet, threw them into a suitcase, slammed the suitcase shut, then announced, “I’m off to an impromptu visit to the Grand Caymans! Excuse me!”

“These high interest rates are keeping us from buying a house,” said short-order cook Jeffery Robert Dmitriyeva. “Just a few years ago I could qualify for a four hundred thousand dollar loan on nine bucks an hour. Now?” He spat on the griddle, adding, “this country disgusts me. Order up!”

The banks called the rate increase “a delightful romp”, “a rollercoaster of thrills, chills, and spills” and “oh, do we seem detached? Because, guess what? We don’t [expletive deleted]ing care! We’re literally making billions off of our own stupid mistakes! We haven’t learned a [expletive deleted]ing thing! Money!”

“But what does this mean to me?” asked an American. “I already own a home, I even refinanced to get a ridiculously low rate.” He looked at his lawn, adding, “I mean, I won, right? So now what?” He looked to the sky and screamed, “now what, God? Now what?”

High Student Loans Due To Higher Tuition Costs Due To High State Representatives Wed, 13 May 2015 16:00:13 +0000 […]]]> Lincoln, NE – According to a report from the Center on Budget and Policy Priorities, many state economies have bounced back from the global financial crisis, but public funding for higher education has yet to recover from deep budget cuts since 2008.

“Look, we’d like to help out the kids, but they’re the ones telling us we need to create more social outreach programs,” reasoned a State Senator. “Where do you think that sort of cheddar is coming from?” After a long pause he whispered, “do the kids still say, ‘cheddar?’ Damn it. What am I paying my interns for? Oh, right, I’m not!” He cackled, then smacked the closest intern on the back of her head.

“The cost is totally justified,” said an overweight school administrator. “After all, it costs a lot to run a school, what with class scheduling, grade processing, and fee collecting.” She quickly stood in front of her computer, adding, “and a computer can’t just do all of that. You need people! Hundreds and hundreds of people!”

The report went on to note “this is not the boringest report ever written”, “the report on how the word ‘boringest’ isn’t a word is only the eighth most boringest report written” and “in the interest of keeping this report exciting, we’re going to wrap up this odd boringest tangent.”

“Wait, is this how the world works?” asked a recent graduate. “They loan us money and then expect us to pay it back? Always? Like, wait, like, always?” He slowly shook his head, adding, “this isn’t what I signed up for. Wait, was it? No. Wait. What?”

Social Security A Total Sham, Scam, And Spam Fri, 08 May 2015 17:01:27 +0000 […]]]> Washington DC – New studies from Harvard and Dartmouth researchers find that the Social Security Administraiont’s actuarial forecasts have been consistently overstating the financial health of the program’s trust funds since 2000.

“We’re not going to use the word, ‘liar,'” said a researcher. “But we also can’t not use the word liar.” After a very long pause he added, “they’ve been [expletive deleted]ing lying to us for fifteen [expletive deleted]ing years! What the [expletive deleted]ing [expletive deleted]! How is this how government works? [Expletive deleted]!”

“Come on, that’s not true!” said a White House aide. “How could we run out of money when half the country isn’t paying into the system, and more and more are retiring? It’s simple math, people! Either you believe it’s working or you don’t, right? See? Math!”

The study also found “most politicians lie because it’s easier than telling stupid people the truth”, “old people smell” and “you’re all idiots for not fighting this thing for the past fifty years. Idiots.”

“So I’m paying into a system that’s not only broke, but being run by lying morons?” asked a twenty-something. “And, on top of all of that, I’m not going to have the chance to rip off the next generation?” He stopped stocking for a second, then whispered, “something has to be done. Meet me after my shift by the loading dock. Tell no one.”

Yes! The Euro Is Poised To Collapse! Yes! Thu, 30 Apr 2015 16:00:11 +0000 […]]]> Vienna, Austria – More than thirty percent of all government debt in the Eurozone which totals approximately two trillion Euros of securities, is trading on a negative interest rate.

“We’ve known this for years,” said a European trader. “We just figured if we didn’t address the problem it would resolve itself.” After lighting a building on fire he added, “I renounce the Euro and all that it stands for! What? I’m a trader. Ohhh, you thought- ha, that’s hysterical. Okay, we should really go.”

“Yeah, everyone’s aware,” said a giddy US trader. “It’s the only reason we’re still doing so well. I mean, honestly, how could an economy based on consuming work when almost half of the people aren’t employed?” He leaned in and whispered, “it’s all a lie.”

Greece called the information “alarming”, “we would never have joined if we knew everyone else was just as irresponsible and short-sighted as we are” and “here, have a trillion Euros, on the house. Two trillion? Sure.”

“I’m sure the people in power will figure it out in time,” said a Frenchman. “I mean, it’s not like they set up a system that got away from them and there’s literally no way to steer the ship due to massive bureaucracy, conflicting interests, and millennium upon millennium of war.” He lit a cigarette, adding, “so don’t worry about it.”

WTF US GDP? Wed, 29 Apr 2015 16:00:04 +0000 […]]]> Washington DC – The Commerce Department reports the US’ gross domestic product expanded at an only point two percent annual rate.

“This is horrible!” said an American. “Who knew not making anything anymore would be so bad for all of us!” As he lit his torch he screamed, “let’s take more money away from the rich! That’ll create jobs, spur investment, and solve all of our problems once and for all.”

“And that’s why you need us,” said a White House official. “Obviously the private sector has failed because they can’t keep up with business taxes and regulation. But who doesn’t have to follow those oppressive rules? The government! We’re the safest investment in America’s future so stop working and join today!”

The report also notes “sales of sales are down”, “oh yes, we’ve been selling projected sales as a way to increase projected revenue. It’s an old trick” and “it’s not as crazy as our next idea: short-selling sales. If we fail, we win! It’s called smart investing.”

“We’re a consumer economy,” said a woman. “Don’t blame the winter for poor sales. It wasn’t freezing everywhere, was it? So what’s really going on here? Why are you covering your ears? Come on, is this how adults- oh, real mature. You’re mooning me because- great, here come the police, they’ll- oh, come on! Why are you mooning me too?”

You’re Not Saving Enough, Stupid Thu, 23 Apr 2015 16:00:49 +0000 […]]]> New York, NY – Study after study shows that Americans are not saving for retirement like they should, and a new survey finds that nearly one third of people who have some sort of savings plan have amassed less than one thousand dollars for retirement.

“This sounds like a job for… the government!” shouted a Congressman as he ripped open his shirt. “Damn it. [Chief of Staff] Ellen [Boesing]? Can you come in? I lost all of my buttons. Just come in, you don’t have to knock. I know the door’s closed, but… just get in here, I think a few rolled under the couch.”

“If I put a penny away for the next fifty years, I’ll have enough for a boat to sail around the world!” exclaimed a man at the bar. “Oh no, it works because of compound interest.” He finished his drink, adding, “now if you’ll excuse me, I have a one thirty captain’s hat fitting. Their noon slot was booked.”

The National Savings Association of America (NSAA) called the lack of savings “a real bad move”, “you know that the whole system is going to come crashing down in, like, ten years, right?” and “well next time don’t vote to make history. Yeah, the other guy stunk too. See? That’s what we’re talking about: total collapse.”

“It’s important to save,” said a father. “You need discipline. Don’t buy stuff you don’t have money for. Invest your savings. Get a good education and marketable skills. It’s not that hard.” He shrugged, adding, “whilst others are holding onto childhood, you can make a fortune! Yes, start now!”

Study Confirms: Being Poor Sucks Mon, 30 Mar 2015 18:01:21 +0000 […]]]> New York, NY – A new study finds children raised in poor households have clear differences in the physical structures of their brains compared to wealthier children.

“Now you understand why we’re trying to take as much wealth from the middle and upper class!” said an exasperated White House official. “Everyone has to suffer, not just the poor! Jesus, how are is that to understand? We should all be equal, in intelligence, ability, and greatest of all: pay. Now work, morons! To the salt mines!”

“So that’s why I’m a screw up,” said poor hoodlum Denise [last name withheld]. “It’s not cause my dad left, my mom barely acknowledges me, I never learned the value of money, or education, or- what? Oh, so you a racist? Racist! This racist is keeping me down! Racist!”

The study went on to conclude “it’s bad to be poor”, “poor is no good” and “no money, no problems. Mostly because the brain eats itself until it’s unaware of how bad it is.”

“Yes, I could see that,” said a Syrian child. “Then again, you guys have water…” After a long silence punctuated by explosions in the distance he added, “sorry, I just had a mini-stroke. Can I have some water, please? Please? What do you mean, ‘journalistic objectivity?’ So you just came here to report on my miserable life? You’re the real war criminal. You are.”