Spelling Error Thwarts Hackers

New Delhi, India – Banking officials admit a spelling mistake in an online bank transfer instruction helped prevent a nearly a billion dollar heist last month involving the Bangladesh central bank and the New York Federal Reserve.

“Most of the time we blindly transfer millions whenever asked,” admitted a banker. “But this time we hesitated, mostly because we hate when people spell things wrong. It just… ugh, right?” He shook his head, adding, “well, I gotta move some money to somewhere for someone. Wish me luck!”

“And we would have gotten away with it to, if it weren’t for those meddling bankers!” said a hacker. “No, it’s from an old cartoon. I don’t remember the name, but they had an American dog and- yeah, they were all American. Anyway, they kept saying they could have gotten away with it and then got mad at someone. No, not the dog, the dog could talk and- yeah! Alvin! That’s it. Here’s a hundred million dollars.”

The Center For Spelling called the mistake “erroneous”, “duplicitous” and “superbolous. Wait, no, we meant to say superfluous. superfluous! This negates nothing! Nothang! Wait, no!”

“Thank god for middle-management sticklers,” said a math nerd. “For they have saved a banks assets and… wait, that’s kinda lame. So a bank saved it’s money because of a mistake, and really, banks not only suck, but are horrible at their one job of keeping your money safe? And, I’m supposed to root for them? Jesus, is… no. Just… no.”

Almost Half Of Americans Are Deadbeats, Tax Evaders, Poor

New York, NY – According to data for the 2015 tax year from the Tax Policy Center, an estimated forty five percent of American households, or roughly seventy seven million people, will pay no federal individual income tax.

“Why should I worry?” asked a man who pays no income tax. “Someone else can pay their fair share. They should be punished for succeeding, I shouldn’t be punished for failing, right?” After a long pause he added, “it looks like you have, like, a million questions and they’re all trying to get out of your mouth at once.”

“Those bastards are going to pay!” yelled a rich man. “We should form some sort of group or something to keep down the poor. What? They’re spending their money on what? Seriously? Did someone beat us to the punch? Well, culturally, they could easily bind together and- what? They believe what? No, that’s… is this a trick? Am I on the Candid Cameras? Hello?”

The American Council of Deadbeats called the study “intrusive”, “a great class action” and “oh yeah? We’ll see you in court! Well, not really, because there’s a whole lotta outstanding bench warrants out for a vast majority of us. Oh yeah, deadbeat dads, deadbeat tax evaders, even deadbeat beatboxers. They’re the worst.”

“Please, do better,” said an IRS agent. “My kids are looking at private colleges and- just, do better. Stop making excuses, stop worrying about micro-aggression or people judging you and create something. No, we’re not standing in your way- well, technically, we are, but please. Please!”

You Suck At Money Management, Survey Concludes

New York, NY – According to a new survey, barely half of Americans have bigger emergency funds than outstanding credit card balances.

“That’s right, keep spending,” said a credit card call center manager to no one in particular. “Oh, sure, we can increase your limit. You stupid, stupid little man.” After a long cackle he yelled, “I’m profiting off of your stupidity and there’s no one to stop me! Also, sorry for yelling on the floor. Back to your calls, everyone.”

“You guys are sucking at life,” said a surveyor. “And no, don’t judge your life against what I do. Sure, I take surveys for a living, but I’m battling a heroin addiction and will for the rest of my life. In fact, I’ve gotten a job, an apartment, a girlfriend, a computer, I’m working on my third play, and I volunteer as a peer councilor for other people suffering from addiction. So yes, I can say that you’re sucking at life.”

The study went on to find “most people mispronounce the word ‘money'”, “we’re in seriously trouble, people” and “no, honestly, we’re not joking. We need to fix our education system. No, no, spending more money isn’t the key. It starts at home. Oh yeah? Well, [expletive deleted] you too! Yeah, that’s getting published, pal!”

“So how much should I save?” asked a man. “What? And not have the latest iPhone? I’m going to ask you to leave, sir, before I punch you in the face. That’s it!”

Five Million Counterfeit Seized By A Thankful Treasury Department

Detroit, MI – US officials claims a couple tried to smuggle nearly five million dollars in counterfeit cash into the US.

“Bingo!” yelled a customs agent. “No, I got bingo! See? Diagonal. Ah, come on, who’s gonna sneak into Detroit.” He pointed to a senior officer and bingo caller and yelled, “let’s play a few more, Sam [last name not given]. This card’s lucky!”

“That money was supposed to bail us out!” bemoaned a Detroit official. “Well, looks like we gotta go back to butchering our city, killing our citizens, and blaming the rich, whoever they are. Well, I’ll know them when I see them!”

“We regret that our fake money was used,” said a board game manufacturer. “But, on the upside, it’s good to know that we can literally print money. Now, what’s the name of that island in Washington state? Yeah, we’ll buy that. Yeah, cash.”

The Treasury Department called the seizure “dangerous”, “no, no, you’re not supposed to put anything in their mouths, just keep them from smashing into things” and “ohhhh, that kind of seizure. Got it. No, no comment.”

“I’m glad they stopped those evil people from doing those evil things,” said an illegal immigrant. “After all, anyone breaking the law in any way is- ohhh, no. This is a trap. Run, Samantha, run!” We never found out who Samantha was, as the man was alone in a food court when we talked to him.

Four Hundred Carat Diamond Found, Possible Wedding Bells For Celebrity Couple Godzilla/Mothra, AKA ‘Grothzillra’

Paris, France – A “spectacular” found hundred carat diamond has been found in Angola.

“Yes, we’re all very excited,” said the head of a diamond mining company. “But, for reasons I’m not going to go into here, it’s fake and the price of diamonds will now go up. No, no, don’t start thinking about the words ‘monopoly’ or ‘conspiracy.’ Just know that you’re in good hands with diamonds and that’s all a girl wants and/or needs. Also, buy more diamonds.”

“It was totally worth killing those people,” said an Angol official. “Oh yes, hundreds, if not thousands, of peasants have been forced to work in these mines, and it’s finally paid off. Yep, things are looking up for Angola and- hold on, lemme just get the door. Hello? Oh, coup? Wait, I can help- [gunshots]”

NASA called the find “interesting”, “yeah, we’re really not that impressed with the find, as we’ve found planets that are made of diamond” and “oh yeah, it’s super cool. No, we already lost the mining rights to [major international diamond company redacted after a very terse legal letter]. Yeah, they suck.”

“Big deal,” said a diamond enthusiast. “It’s only the twenty seventh biggest diamond found.” After a long pause he added, “can I Facebook you? Just so we can stay in touch after this- okay, see ya.” In the silence that followed he mumbled, “almost made a friend. Almost.”

Ruble Gains Super Suspicious

Moscow, Russia – According to a Moscow-based cyber-security firm, hackers used malware to penetrate the defenses of a Russian regional bank and move the ruble-dollar rate more than fifteen percent in minutes.

“We knew something was going on when our currency gained ground,” said a Moscow official. “And more than a percent in a matter of minutes? Without the ministry of Currency Manipulation giving everyone months notice? Yeah, it had to be hackers. I mean, who would ever, ever, invest in the ruble? That’s insane, right?”

“It’s the perfect excuse,” said a Chinese government official. “Just blame hackers anytime people discover government manipulation. Currency spikes? Hackers. Character assassinations? Hackers! The invasion of foreign countries? Hackity, hack, hack, hackers!” After a formal Chinese dance, he added, “that stupid dance? Hackers! They’re in my brain right now! No, seriously, they are. Help, they’re taking over and I don’t have much time to- hackers rule!”

The International Monetary Fund called the boost “not suspicious at all”, “a great reason to wear pants” and “well, that’s what you get contacting us for comment. We’ve found that saying ‘no comment’ really isn’t as satisfying as screwing with you. Ask us again. Come on, ask- we feel it’s the perfect time to cover ourselves with butter and hunt penguins! Oh, this is turning out to be a great Monday!”

“It wasn’t us,” said a hacker. “Granted, there are a lot of hackers and we really don’t all gather somewhere and develop an overall strategy for chaos. It just kinda happens organically, like improv in the park. Also, you might wanna check your girlfriend’s email and figure out who Don is.”

IRS Down For The Count, Can’t Count

Washington DC – The Internal Revenue Service suffered a “hardware failure” yesterday afternoon, which left many of its tax processing systems unavailable last night.

“We’re not not able to do your taxes,” argued an IRS agent. “We’re just not able to steal your money. We can still do your taxes, we just have to wait on the taking your money thing. And before you argue, it’s for poor children. Remember that: it’s always for poor children so if you argue against the IRS you’re literally drowning poor children in liquid lead.”

“The worst part is I won’t get to pay my taxes,” said a man. “Wait, so I don’t have to pay my taxes? No, that’s totally how it works! Guys, just say you paid last night and they won’t- hold on, I’ll finish that thought after opening this door. Hello, officer, what can I do- ow! Why are you hitting me? Ow!”

The ERS (External Revenue Service) called the downtime “stupid”, “dope” and “ill. No those are all bad things. Well, good for us. Sorry, this is confusing, let’s start again: hello, welcome to the External Revenue Service, give us your money.”

“I’m positive this will be resolved in four to six weeks,” said an IRS agent. “And, if not, you’ll be heavily fined. Why? Because shut up, that’s why. Yes, I said it: shut up. No, hold on, shhhhhh, shut up. Guys? Can I get a ‘shut up’ up in here? Okay, shut up.”

Stock Prices Fall, Ruining Post MLK/Pre-Valentine’s Day Sales

New York, NY – The CBOE Volatility Index (VIX), widely considered the best gauge of fear in the market, hit a high of thirty two, its highest reading since last September.

“This index means my panic is justified,” said a trader covered in blood. “Also, no matter how many people I sacrifice, the price of oil keeps dropping. Why? Lord? Have I not soothed your anger? No? More? Okay, Lord, if that’s what you want! No, it’s totally legal, it’s a form of religious expression. Yeah, now, where did Tamara from accounts payables go?”

“I love fall,” said a woman in an insane asylum. “Oh, I know it’s not fall now, I’m just saying I love fall. Wait, crude is doing what? And they say I’m insane!” After a very long pause she added, “no, they literally say that. Hey, can you let me out of this straightjacket? For a quick second?”

OPEC called the fall “yet another reason you peons need a foreigner to rule you like the dirty peasants that you are”, “really? You’re all going to bow and nod?” and “wow. Who knew it could be that easy? And here we were, manipulating high prices when all this time we just had to let it bottom out. Lesson learned!”

“Things will get better,” said an economist. “People will buy because the price is so low. Then they’ll sell and it’ll all drop again. Then buying, then selling, until the price is at zero and the world ends. Till then… bye!”

The One Percent Greedily Donate The Most Money

New York, NY – According to the new Almanac of American Philanthropy, Americans are a charitable group, in fact the most generous in the world.

“Those greedy one percenters!” yelled a ninety-nine percenter. “They’re giving away money like they don’t even need it! Why not give it to the poor or- what? Oh, that’s what charity means? No, I mean, I know, I just didn’t know, you know?” He took another long hit off of his bong, adding, “hey, man, let’s, like, hotbox the tent and- oh, [expletive deleted], the cops! Run!”

“Who knew that people with money give away some of that money?” asked a White House official. “No, not us. That’s why we pushed the government thing so hard. Dude, if we knew, then we would have given the private sector some space to freely operate. Yeah, well, our researchers have a vested interest in continuing government growth, so yeah, in retrospect, we kinda did it to ourselves. Who knew? Okay, you did! Shut up!”

The UN called the study “illegal”, “immoral” and “the worst thing we’ve ever seen. Mostly because it goes against our narrative that the US is evil. I dunno. Guys? Why do we think that? Freedom? Sounds kinda stupid. Why don’t we support freedom? Why? Anyone? Okay, looks like 2016 is a rebuilding year for the UN. No, keep that wall! Not literally. Jesus.”

“So rich people are helping me?” asked a poor woman. “Okay. No, I don’t care, as long as I can get back on my feet and get the opportunity to provide for my family. What? Why is that weird?”

Powerball Fever Hits China, Powerball Flu Devastates India

Beijing, China – Powerball fever reached China on as wannabe billionaires rushed to buy tickets from online entrepreneurs.

“Damn it,” said an American. “They’re totally going to win. No, think about it: there’s literally a billion of them. That means each one buys one ticket and wins. One billion dollars, one for every one of them. Yeah, I’m pretty sure that’s how it works. Wait, why? Have you heard something different? One point three billion? Then I still have a chance! Quick, to the gas station!”

“Powerball? More like power-bail!” exclaimed day-time coffee house standup George Graboff-Blincotte [PKA George ‘Don’t call me George’ Crapstanza]. Over the boos he yelled, “hey, you sound like those captured Navy sailors! No, it isn’t too soon. They got caught and now they have to pay! They were. Well, I’m glad they’re back… not!”

The Asian Continental Congress called the Powerball “sad”, “even as they face crushing defeat, they ignore the signs and simply hope that things will get better” and “this is why we need some sort of pan-Asian cheer. Yes, this would totally be the appropriate spot. Well, that’s the next order of business then, right after reviewing the updated military plan.”

“My God,” said a working man. “What I would do with that money.” After a long silence he added, “huh. I guess I don’t know. Probably because I’m not going to win. Wait, we’re all not going to win. So why are we buying tickets? Guys?”