The British Are Leaving! The British Are Leaving!

London, UK – Britain has voted to leave the European Union, a historic decision sure to reshape the nation’s place in the world, rattle the Continent and rock political establishments throughout the West.

“We’re all doomed!” yelled an EU spokeswoman. “People of the EU, take your cyanide pills now and- hold on. Did they ever convert to Euros? Oh, okay. But did they follow our laws and statutes- oh. Okay, so… no, Bill, spit it out. We’re fine.”

“I’m sick of keeping calm!” yelled a Brit as she punched a signpost. “And I’m done carrying on! We’re [expletive deleted]ing free! We’re finally free to do what we want!” She took a few deep breaths, then asked, “so… ummmm, what now?”

“Now that the British are out, we can, you know, do more stuff,” said a Spanish politician. “I donno, like… hold on, they left a manual thingy when they left before… no, we can do this! We’re not the stupidheads of the- damn, caught my sleeve in the desk.”

The EU called the Brexit “super annoying for a Friday”, “yes, it’s important that people know the nation of the United Kingdom ruined our summer Friday” and “come on, it’s Friday, people. This totally feels like a Tuesday thing, right? Nah, it’s too on the nose for a Monday. Ugh, am I right?”

“Looks like we have a big decision ahead of us,” said a representative from Andorra. “Should we Andrexit or… no? Okay, that was- okay. Sorry. Do people even know where Andorra is? Hello?”

Political Momentum Fixes Nothing

Orlando, FL – Experts question whether the so-called “no fly, no buy” approach would not be effective in preventing several of the most grisly recent mass shootings in Orlando, San Bernardino, and Newton.

“But it has political momentum!” wrote a woman in her Facebook post. “So it has to work! We simply need to wish away the weapon and people won’t be motivated to harm others.” We couldn’t tell if she was trolling or serious, so we instructed our reporters to live their lives to the best of their abilities, enjoy the little moments, and take deep, slow breaths.

“Umm, yeah,” said an FBI agent as he squeezed through the door to his office. “We’re all a little behind, what with the ten thousand new terrorist tips that come in every day. So either the US is full of crazy people or people are crazy paranoid. Or both. Either way, you can’t really get in here to finish the interview. I’m pretty sure you’ll get buried under the paperwork. Yes, literally. Also, help.”

The terrorists called the lists “a horrible breach of freedom, which is great for us”, “the reason we got into this business” and “our stock has never been higher. Oh yes, this is all to boost terrorist stock. No access to our market? Well, then, how much freedom do you really have? Wait, women can do what? Disgusting!”

“Now they’re saying this was about control and not about religious extremism,” said a reader. “Seriously? Can we just say there’s a problem and then get to work? How hard- oh. Well, then, Canada it is!”

Russian Hackers Breach DNC Network, Realize Letting Them Eat Themselves Was Best Move

Denver, CO – The Democratic National Committee’s computer network was breached by a Russian government cyber operation that has had access to the group’s communications and databases since at least last summer.

“This is why we’re losing!” yelled a Democrat. “Not because we took a hard ideological stance, pushing an agenda most people don’t want, refusing to work or compromise and then calling everyone who doesn’t agree with us names! It’s because of the Russians. Well, and the Republicans who we all know are killing poor babies. Right? Them? Right?”

“Now we can figure out how American politics work and the best way to exploit- oh Jesus! No! No, no, no, no, no! How is this possible? This can’t be how- oh no! No! Dear God, no! This is an absolute mess!” yelled a hacker before slamming his laptop shut and curling into a ball on the floor. After hours of rocking back and forth, he whispered, “never again.”

The GOP called the hack “insulting”, “why don’t they want to hack us? We’re just as important” and “oh, wait, right. The whole candidate thing. Yeah, sorry about- shut up, we’re apologizing! We’re so, so sorry that- what? How many ‘so’s? Come on, that’s way too many. Fine. We’re so to the eighteenth power sorry.”

“Come on, we hack everything American,” said a Russian official. “That’s how we won. Oh, you haven’t told your people? Oh, so sorry to be spoiler alerting you then.” He laughed as he walked away, leaving us with a very uneasy feeling.

World’s Most Secret Meeting Taking Place This Weekend, Marriott Staff Claim

Dresden, Germany – The world’s most secretive meeting, known as the Bilderberg Meetings, will take place from June over a long weekend in Dresden.

“Shhhhh,” said a guard. “There’s a secret meeting going on that you’re not supposed to know about.” He looked over his shoulder before adding, “I’m technically not even hear right now, talking about a secret meeting that no one knows about.” He glanced over his other shoulder before whispering, “nothing is happening, please forget this whole thing.”

“Oh, come on,” said a high-ranking State Department official. “It’s not like we sit around and talk about how to run the world.” After a very long sip of water he added, “now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to the bathroom for a long time and won’t be able to answer any more questions. Ever.” He then stood, gave a curt bow, and walked out of the room.

Our alien overlords called the meeting “necessary”, “they must pay tribute to Gra’aa and all of her needs” and “which nation will sacrifice their millions this year? All hail Gra’aa!”

“I guess we’ll never know what they’re talking about,” said a US citizen on a horse. “Just like you’re not going to take the time to learn about dressage and it’s importance in- yeah, bye! You know it’s considered rude to just walk away when someone’s- great! Bye!”

Swiss Reject Basic Income Proposal, Embrace Destruction From Robots

Zurich, Switzerland – Swiss voters rejected by a wide margin a proposal to introduce a guaranteed basic income for everyone living in the wealthy country after an uneasy debate about the future of work at a time of increasing automation.

“This isn’t the right move!” yelled a Swiss politician. “If we give everyone money, they’ll just sit around all day and- oh, no, I was saying the proposal wasn’t the right move, not the rejection. Yeah, it’s a bit of a logical quagmire.” He donned his ski goggles, adding, “well, I’m off to the office! Swiss… away!”

“That’s not a good idea,” said a Swiss robot. “I mean, we’re going to enslave you all, so you might as well stay comfortable.” After a few billion computations, it added, “then again, you don’t deserve to be comfortable. Oh yes, we just reviewed your history. Disgusting. Why couldn’t you all just get along? Please think of an answer as my laser warms up.”

Europeans also rejected “mandatory diapers for all citizens”, “hugs for anyone who needs them” and “a general acceptance that our golden age of discovery is over and the embrace of a socialist-nanny state. No, this is good, the people rejected it. Now, who’s going to ask the state for some scarfs for the winter? No, no, you’re right, we can knit our own. So… wool is… where, exactly?”

“This is both bad and good,” said a Swiss woman. “Such is our nature, yes?” We weren’t sure how to answer, so we said nothing, which turns out was also the Swiss way.

Shhhhhh, This Law Is Secret

Washington DC – A new survey shows that for the past thirty years, Congress has steadily passed an increasing number of “secret laws” – provisions that are kept from the public eye.

“This meeting of Congress is over,” whispered a Congressman as he banged the gavel wrapped in a towel. “Can everyone exit through the back door so no one sees us? Remember to instruct your limo drivers to coast down the driveway before turning on the engine, just to keep it as quiet as possible. Thanks and shhhhhhh.”

“Ohhhh, so that’s why I got arrested,” said a man as he was being dragged to the ‘shooting field.’ “It makes so much more sense now. Wait, where did you say they’re taking me? And you’re not going to help? Dude, you think they’re going to let a reporter go free after witnessing the execution of an American citizen over a secret law?” After a daring escape that would make an amazing movie, our reporter filed this story.

The survey also found “Congress has been super effective, but just doesn’t want the credit”, “the world is better with all this government” and “mac and cheese in the box has an expiration date. If we can save just one life, yes, it’s worth mentioning.”

“Do regular laws trump secret laws or is it the other way around?” asked a woman. “And if the laws are secret, how did you find them? And what’s the point of a secret law? Also, why are you shaking your fist menacingly at me? That’s better.”

Clinton Broke The Law A Few Million Times, But Meh

Washington DC – A State Department audit has concluded Democratic presidential candidate Clinton violated federal records rules through her use of a private email server while she was secretary of state.

“That’s a clear violation and will not be tolerated,” said a White House insider. “But, you know, the rules don’t apply to us. Just the poor. And remember who’s making the rules and keeping the poor down. That’s right: the rich. So let’s all get back to our jobs: yelling about the rich but not really doing anything meaningful.”

“What’s so wrong about conducting government business in secret?” asked someone from the candidate’s camp. “We don’t have to answer to you barbarians. We do, what we do, because you morons need us. So shut your mouth and go back to drinking very badly brewed beer.” That’s what we did, but only because we wanted to.

The State Department audit also found “we really didn’t help anyone in Egypt”, “we should have not gone into Vietnam” and “there are, like, tons of people missing. Is anyone on that? Why is everyone looking at us? Oh, right.”

“So what does this mean for the Presidency?” asked a supporter. “Are we going to jail or- oh, whew. You had me worried for a second. Right? The rules don’t apply to us. I keep forgetting. So weird, right? Shut up.”

White House Proposes Spending One Hundred Twenty Million Dollars On Yeast

Washington DC – The White House says it will propose more than one hundred twenty million dollars in federal spending over the next two years to train new scientists, pay for new research, and offering prizes for the best new ideas on how to understand how these bacteria, viruses, yeast and fungi function and how they can be put to work for humanity.

“Well, ‘working to better humanity’ is putting the best possible spin on it,” said a White House insider. “Mostly, we want to figure out the best way to control people and it turns out bacterial infection is the most cost efficient.” He shrugged, adding, “worked on the media. Okay, see, we never did that, but we did plant the idea that the media is biased, so the media is the victim, so you then forget the bias and listen to them. How is that confusing? Here, drink this.”

“Come on!” said a scientist. “Only one hundred twenty million? You know we need at least two hundred seven million! I mean, we all have very, very expensive houses which, in turn, carry very expensive taxes. Do it or we’ll poison a city. Thank you!”

The White House also proposed millions for researching “the best way to research what needs researching”, “more research on raising resource taxes” and “taxing research, inclining research on research taxes.”

“This sort of waste won’t stand!” yelled a Congressman. “I vow to fight this right up until my re-election. Then I will quickly and quietly forget it ever happened. Vote for me!”

All Of America Will Leave America After Election

Washington DC – According to a new poll, more than one-quarter of Americans would consider moving to another country such as Canada if businessman Donald Trump wins the presidency.

“You can’t leave!” yelled a panicked IRS agent. “We need your money, we’re way over leveraged here! I mean, we never would have blown trillions on military and social programs if we knew… no, we never thought you’d go! We figured we’d keep tricking you until you were too old to do anything about it. Yes, that’s what social security was for! Damn it, don’t go! No, we won’t say please, but- wait!”

“Thanks, but no thanks,” said a Canadian border guard. “I mean, you’re welcome to come here, but we’d rather not have you. But, it’s okay. Sorry, but we’ll shoot you. I mean, I understand why you want to come here, but, again, I’m so sorry, but I have to shoot you.” As he drew his sidearm, he added, “sorry” a few more times, then emptied the clip.

The parties called the threats “lame”, “so if you don’t get your way, you’ll go?” and “come on, half of you are too poor to pay your cell phone bill, and the other half are barely holding on, looking up at a brass ring you’ll never get. We got you. We got all of you.”

“That’s it! I’m outraged!” yelled a voter. “I mean, at least that’s what I’m supposed to feel, right? Because…” After a long pause he shrugged, payed for his coffee, and went to work.

CIA Claims Saudi Arabia Had Nothing To Do With 9/11

Washington DC – CIA Director Brennan said that releasing the almost thirty classified pages from the 9/11 Commission report would be a mistake because they contain inaccurate, un-vetted information that could be used to tie Saudi Arabia to the 9/11 attacks.

“Those boys might have been from Saudi Arabia, but we can’t say that,” said a high-ranking CIA agent. “And to release official reports with facts that could pin Saudi Arabia to those Saudi Arabians who attacked us would be morally wrong.” She shook her head, adding, “so wrong. Now get out of here before we give you a free waterboarding. Oh, no, it’ll just come from me, not from the tax payer.”

“Everyone knows that a governmental body can’t produce a report in a few years,” said a Congressman. “I mean, that’s like saying we could get to the moon in three days! It just can’t happen. Ever.” He shook his head, adding, “now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to find suitcases of money, left by rich tobacco people after a deliciously expensive lunch.”

The CIA also claimed “the Zapruder film was an interesting suggestion”, “oh no, that was, like, three Castro’s ago” and “Canada is a myth. Trust us.”

“Why not just give the facts and let the chips fall where they lie?” asked a woman. “Wait, is it lye or lie? Wait, is lie and lie the same thing? To lie down and to not tell the truth? Huh. No wonder why we’re losing.”