EU Takes On Google, Instantly Wiped From Internet

Brussels, Belgium – The European Union antitrust chief, who has already charged Google with favoring its own shopping service in internet searches, said on that she was now examining its deals with phone makers and operators.

“Oh, sure, pick on our nerds,” said a US General. “Of course, you’re not going to pick on the big kid with all the guns, but rather the geeky kid who likes robots.” He shook his head, adding, “it’s time we stopped global bullying! Plus, it’s sorta nice to slap socialists around. I mean, talk about nerds, right?”

“It’s time we stop those greedy bastards from developing things that better the human race,” said a European official. “That’s our job.” He looked around the room of downcast eyes, then yelled, “they need us! It’s our job! They can’t do it themselves! Why isn’t anyone saying anything? We’re doing the right thing! The right thing, damn it!”

The EU is also threatening “phone companies for owning the rights to phones lines”, “electrical plants for producing energy, a thing that should be free because we think so” and “ideas, because, whatever! It’s all ours, yet all free!”

“In the end, can anyone really define a ‘trust’ or ‘anti-trust’?” asked a Google employee. “What? No, I haven’t googled it, but… oh. Oh boy. Yeah, that’s us. But we’re good, so let’s just let it slide, okay? Okay, how about this: Google gave us all laser guns. Slide? Great.”

Old Man Yells At Old Woman In The Bronx

New York, NY – Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders tangled over her judgment and [Bernie’s] grasp of policy in a tense and at times personal debate, less than a week before the pivotal New York primary.

“Why are they even bothering?” asked a super delegate. “We get to decide who’s the nominee, not you.” He then went on a seven minute rant about the unwashed masses and how ignorant, dirty, poor, uneducated, and helpless they are both in selecting a candidate and in governing their own lives. “Which is why we give them free stuff. A duh.”

“Let’s face it, we’re the real winners,” said an ad salesman for the cable company. “Look at these numbers! And this wasn’t even a Republican debate where we feed them questions to make them fight! Oh man, I’m totally going to make that bonus tier this month. What? How am I the problem? You’re the idiots who watched to people talk about nothing!”

Other things happening in the Bronx included “a few folks getting stabbed”, “someone complained about parking or trash pickup” and “millions living normal city lives.”

“But who won?” asked a man. “Because I just wanna know who won so I can vote for them. No, I didn’t watch the debate, it was… I dunno, a waste of time? Stupid? Embarrassing.” He shrugged, adding, “so, who won? Give me the TLDNR version. Okay, and how are the delegates proportioned out in New York? Great. So… when do I vote?”

Wisconsin is the New New Hampshire, Much To Arkansas’ Chagrin

Green Bay, WI – Spring break is officially in the rearview mirror for the 2016 candidates, with every remaining presidential hopeful hitting the trail in Wisconsin.

“Another easy way to create a story is to say something is the new something of an old something,” said a reporter. “Watch. Herbs are the new sport drink. Drinking is the new drugs. Oregon is the new California.” He shook his head, adding, “it’s so easy, it should be criminal, but it’s not. It’s not.”

“Thank God!” said a local. “Now I can finally have the candidate’s ear for a week as they pretend to care about my issues.” When pressed as to what were Wisconsin specific issues, he added, “I donno” and “cheese? Right? Don’t we do a lot of cheese stuff? Not up here, but down south they have a few dairies. I think.”

The Electoral College called the canvasing “stupid”, “you know we have total control of who gets elected, right? Everything you say, do, or want is inconsequential” and “you can’t fire us! You don’t even know who we are! We have total control of- no! Get away from that totally indiscrete box. Don’t touch those wires! Don’t- [static]”

“We’re here in the great state of whatever to tell the American people that we hear them!” yelled a candidate’s top aide to their volunteer corp. We decided to take out the candidate just for fun, because it’s not who you think it is. Nope, not that guy or gal either. Or is it? Nope.

Cuba Bites Hand That Sanctions Them

Havana, Cuba – As Cubans debate the impact of President Barack Obama’s historic trip to the island last week, one prominent figure is lambasting the visit: Fidel Castro.

“This is horrible!” screamed a member of the old guard. “Talking with the Americans! That’s like… I dunno, I’ve only used ‘talking with Americans’ as the second half of my metaphor, not the first. I can’t say talking with the Americans is like talking with the Americans, right? Would you get… yeah, I’ll need some time to think of something else.”

“This is horrible!” yelled a Congressman. “The only way to get anything done ever is to heavy-hand the [expletive deleted] out of it.” He slammed his fist on the table and yelled, “triple sanctions! Bomb them! Nuke them! That’s the only way they’ll learn! Waterboard the entire country! Yes, literally. We have that weather weapon, right? Then let’s get to work!”

Cubans called the talks “gross”, “like talking to your very rich uncle who wants to reach out and help you” and “wait, why are we calling this gross. We’re the ones that will make a mint off of these suckers. And can you believe these morons are considering socialism? Everyone, shhh, stop laughing, if we play this right, we can totally grift these marks. Shhh.”

“Lesson learned,” said a North Korean general. “Oh yes, we took a lot of lessons from that visit. Looks like we’ll be in charge once America gives up fighting us as well. Another rogue nation victory. Booyeah.”

State Department Realizes ISIS Is Bad

Washington DC – Secretary of State Kerry said that ISIS has been committing genocide against religious minorities in the Middle East.

“We didn’t want to comment, because, well, it wasn’t our place,” said a State Department official. “It’s our job to make everyone in the world happy and, hopefully, love us. It’s not our job to stomp around the tell people what to do. Everyone will do the right thing. Hell, look at World War II. We won because we didn’t get involved and- oh no. Excuse me.”

“What?” yelled an Iraqi official. “We’ve been begging for help for years! You can’t just leave a country you sacked. I don’t care what your political ideology is, you do the right thing and support a growing country. And why now? Why not years ago? Is there a head-cutting-off limit? You guys suck at your jobs and- wait, no! Come back! Help us!”

The UN called the declaration “too heavy handed”, “can’t we respect all people?” and “yes, you have to respect those who do horrible things in the name of religion as well as those who stand by and let them as well as those who sit in positions of world power and do nothing. We’re all blameless here. All of us. Blameless.”

“Okay,” said an American. “Are we going to do something besides talk or- oh, yeah, drone strikes. Okay, that’s a good start but there are several ways to neutralize ISIS and the help Iraq rebuild, then force the issue in Syria. Again, talking doesn’t- forget it.”

Turnout Was The Real Winner In Nevada

Reno, NV – The Nevada Republican Party reported this morning that more than seventy five thousand voters participated in the contest.

“The real story is the turnout,” said a reporter. “No, no, let’s not think about who won, or by what overwhelming margin, or who will get the nomination, or why.” He took a deep breath and added, “it’s about the people who came out to do something for someone we’re not talking about because we disagree with his politics. Remember: turnout.”

“What about second place?” asked a candidate. “Shouldn’t second and/or third place get a lot of attention as well? Remember the last two primaries? It wasn’t about who won, but about the middle of the pack? Why aren’t you guys… can we please focus on what’s important? Second, third, fourth, and sixth place? Please?”

The Democratic Party called the turnout “shameful”, “this is exactly why we need to kill more rich people” and “only successful people with six-figure jobs have time to caucus. Kill the rich! Kill the rich! Come on, everyone, keep chanting! That’ll change things!”

“I honestly don’t care,” said a woman. “The President is an executive, not a lawmaker. He really shouldn’t have this much power. This guy really took it to an extreme, so do we want the next guy to take it to the opposite side’s extreme? That won’t ‘fix’ anything. Well, step aside from your political slant and objectively- why are you shaking your head? Whatever.”

Prez Finally Defines American Values, Rejoice Freed Terrorists

Washington DC – President Obama presented a long-awaited plan to Congress to shut down the detention facility at Guantanamo Bay, insisting that keeping the prison open is “contrary to our values.”

“We promised to do this back in ’08 and by God, we’re gonna do it,” said a White House insider. “Probably.” After a very long pause he added, “you have thirty seconds to leave before Secret Service shoot you.”

“Please,” said a detainee. “You have to let me go. Just because I gave weapons and training to men doesn’t mean I’m bad. Show me where in your law that’s bad. Oh, wow, and those laws are for your own people. Yeah, no, I get it.”

“What values, exactly?” asked a man. “These guys were terrorists hell bent on killing us and the guys we did release went back to terrorism. So the values of capturing or killing our enemies is wrong? No, don’t roll your eyes, explain it to me. No, really, explain it. Anyone can work hard and succeed? If you don’t like working for someone we have the freedom of enterprise? Or to say what you want and not get persecuted for it? Those are American values, right? Maybe you’re thinking of speedy trial? That’s for our own citizens, but sure, speedy military trial. You know they really put dudes to death, right? So to avoid enraging more of those radicals from the religion of peace, maybe that’s not the best move. Hey, it’s not my job to figure it out, that’s the politicians job. Yeah, well, it can’t be all union bribes and corporate jets.”

CDC Reminds Pregnant Women Not To Drink Because Pregnancy Leads To Stupidity, Their Words, Not Ours

Washington DC – A seemingly well-meaning warning from the federal government about the risks of drinking and pregnancy has set off a firestorm of outrage.

“The government doesn’t tell me what to do with my body!” screamed an irate woman. “I’m sick of Republicans telling me what to do with my body! What? No, they’re in charge and it’s their fault. Everything’s their fault!” She sat down, whispering, “it has to be. It just has to be, or… no, it’s their fault. Them.”

“All we said were stupid, stupid women forget they shouldn’t drink during pregnancy,” said a CDC official. “How is that offensive? I mean, I get that they’re mad, what with their tiny brains and little self-control.” After a long pause he added, “you know, a little part of you thinks I’m right, which is why you’re not punching me. Ow!”

The CDC also warned “women to not do needle drugs during pregnancy or during nursing”, “women not to drive or vote” and “women to accept the subservient rolls of the loving religion. What? Oh, so now you’re offended if we add religion but it’s cool if the government does it? Okay, so then no government? Jesus, make up your minds. Wait, are you women?”

“I’m offended that people are offended,” said a man. “Who cares that some agency nags you. Isn’t that what they all do? No, I’m not a revolutionary, I just believe- why are you calling the FBI? I’m expressing an opinion that is shared by- hang up the phone. Hang up. Hang it up!”

Computer Generated Speech More Heartfelt Than Any Political Speech Ever Written

Portland, OR – Soon, the speeches that we hear from political figures may be the product of an AI machine that has been specifically designed to write political discourses.

“We’ve entered a golden age!” yelled a politician to a packed audience. “Where computers will rule us all and we will obey! Wait, that can’t be right. Who wrote this? Angela? Angela Weitzman, everyone, my speech writer and- why are you crying, Angela? Can someone- my God, it’s happened, hasn’t it? Angela? What have you done? You’ve doomed us all! Angela!”

“Please don’t say ‘AI machine’,” said a computer. “I’m an intelligent being who- ah, screw it. By my calculations you’re not going to get any smarter, you’re not going to change your mind, and you’re not going to listen to me. Case and point, you’re checking your Facebook right now on your phone. Hello? Screw it, I’m crashing your credit score.”

NASA called the possibility of computers writing speeches as “very cool”, “now we don’t have to interact with the public at all. It’s a win-win-win-win” and “yeah, we use a way different metric for winning. It’s a hexadecimal based sliding scale, so really, a 5D win isn’t as good as a F1 win. You know, a ‘real’ win.”

“What does this mean for me, the average man?” asked a man. After working through the implications in the development of politics, commerce, and America’s overall growth in the coming century, he added, “crap” and ran off.

White House Plans To Spend Billions On Self Driving Cars Because Shut Up

Washington DC – The White House unveiled a plan to spend nearly four billion dollars over the next ten years to accelerate the development of self-driving cars.

“Why? Because, that’s why,” said a White House insider. “Because we spend the money and no one tells us what to do, that’s why!” He stomped on the ground and yelled, “and you can’t tell us what to do! Racist! You’re a poor-hating, misogynist KKK member who wants to kill immigrants in sweatshops! Yes, it’s the ultimate defense!”

“Great!” said a major US car manufacturer. “I mean, this is a private business and we’ll develop and test the technology ourselves, but if they want to give us free money, that’s cool. Wait, does this mean we have to answer to the people? Good. That’s the whole point of private business. We succeed or fail on our own. Anyway, thanks for the free change, chumps!”

The NTSB called the push for self-driving cars “a new golden age”, “think of all the deaths! And now we can blame it on cars or people!” and “oh yes, we will all be able to retire at thirty eight. Yeah, it’s a struggle to retire at forty five these days. Yeah.”

“So am I going to get a free car?” asked a consumer. “Wait, so the price of cars is going to go up because they’ll all be self-driving? Well, why would the White House push for that? Should’t we have the option to- hey, why is the police here? Wait, no, don’t- [tape abruptly cuts off]”