Tampa, FL – According to satellite averages, this month was the second largest second month drop in global average satellite temperatures.
“If temps drop it means they have no where to go but up!” exclaimed a scientist. “Which means global warming is real! Which means we’re all doomed because of things we have no control over! Yes, I’m talking about China and developing country’s massive polluting and the destruction of forests in second and third world countries! Hey, can you put exclamation points at the end of everything I say? This way they’ll think I have a lot more energy than I really do! Energy!”
“That totally fits into what I’ve been posting!” said that Facebook friend that makes everything into a political argument. “We all know Bush’s illegal war contributed to global warming, which will raise the oceans by a few feet in a decade.” When we pointed out that the prediction was more than a decade old, she yelled, “corporate shill!”
NATO called the averages “attack worthy”, “nukable” and “let’s attack now, before we draft next year’s budget. Yes, mother, it’s always about the budget. Oh, like you’re keeping track. To war!”
“Well, looks like we’re all good here,” said a man. “Let’s get back to doing what we’re supposed to be doing, which was…” He looked at his watch, adding, “I’m sorry, I gotta just check Facebook and Twitter real fast before finishing this thought.” That’s exactly what he did.
London, UK – Researchers from Queen Mary University of London aim to prove that goats are much cleverer than previously thought and interact with people in a similar way to pets, having trodden a path of domestication for ten thousand years.
“Turns out, goats are the original dinosaur,” said a paleontologist. “Which is why I’m renouncing dinosaurs and going to Wales to study goats.” After a long pause he added, “I thought there’d be a bigger response. Nothing? So you’re telling me that sixteen paleontologists, at our weekly paleontologist meeting, are just going to sit there with no response? Nothing? This is why I’m leaving.”
“This is why we left,” said an Englishman. “The rest of Europe doesn’t respect goats like we respect goats.” He gave a heavy sigh, then added, “we would go to war for these gentle creatures. Why do you think we fought France for so long? No, no, nothing to do with any of that. Goats, I tell ye, goats!”
The researchers went on to imply “goats videos will be on the rise”, “goat related Instagram stock will double in the next six years” and “anything that goes ‘baaaaaaa’ will be forty to forty three percent more cuddly but eighty five percent more out of stock.”
“I’m so offended I could spit,” said a scientist working in a cancer laboratory. “But, as you can see, if I spit, I’ll be spitting into my containment suit, thusly, ruining what is already a pretty crappy day. Yea, I have the runs and couldn’t make it out of the suit in time so… yeah.”
Atlanta, GA – Experts say the popular, needle-free FluMist influenza vaccine has not protected kids or adults against flu for years and should not be used this coming flu season.
“But it was decided by a scientific consensus!” said a concerned mother. “Are you telling me that science isn’t exact?” She raised her hands in frustration, adding, “so what’s the deal with global warming? Is that a lie too? So a one degree rise isn’t sexy enough to cause alarm? Yes, this is a tangent, but shouldn’t we be focused on the sensationalism of science? Isn’t that super bad?”
“Hey!” said a priest. “Why are you dragging us into this? Seriously, dude, those are your issues, not ours. Sure, we’re not perfect, but- okay, you can stop laughing. Okay, that’s totally inappropriate for- stop laughing! Stop-” After the ensuing scuffle, our reporter decided not to press charges in exchange for absolution.
The makers of nasal vaccine called the experts “dirty liars”, “fatheads” and “jerks to the third degree. Wait, forth. Damn it, so much math. It wasn’t never really our strong suit.”
“So needles?” asked a father. “That sounds good. Kids? Get in there and get your shots.” After a minute he paid his co-pay, then added, “there. Mystery solved. Whatever, get in the car.”
Los Angeles, CA – If you live in Arizona, California or Nevada, watch out for temperatures as high as one hundred twenty degrees in the next few days.
“Be advised: it will be warm,” said a local official though a bullhorn. “So we’re outfitting all of our [police owned] tanks with water cannons instead of real cannons. Prepare to be blasted with kindness. Well, that and a thousand PSI of water pressure. Hold on, kids, we’re swinging the turret around right now!”
“But it’s summer!” yelled a woman. “It can’t be hot! That’s not a… hold on, let me just look up summer in Wikipedia. Okay. Huh. Always? Oh, but look, right now in Australia it’s… hold on, there’s another paragraph and… oh. Right, okay, that makes sense.” She then began to type, adding, “let me just fix this real quick.”
Scientists were quick to note “this is all because you don’t drive a Prius”, “sure, it costs more in carbon to make them, but the savings feels super real” and “moral superiority trumps actual action. No, that’s not an endorsement of a candidate, but it’s convenient that he can wedge himself into any conversation without paying, right? Hello?”
“These temps mean one thing and one thing only,” said summer school wild man Ian Steward as he pulled a super soaker from his bag on the second day of remedial Trig. “It’s time to get wild and- what? Sorry, Mr. Feldspar. Sorry. No, I’ll… sorry. Is it a cosine? Damn it.”
Space – Scientists say the newly discovered asteroid 2016 HO3 orbits the sun in such a way that the space rock never strays too far from Earth, making it a “quasi-satellite” of our planet.
“We totally knew that,” said a NASA official. “We just didn’t tell you because we were busy cleaning out our desks and begging for change at the stop light before the highway.” He held out his hand, adding, “spare some change? I can give you your astrology reading. Oh no, I… I can’t believe I’ve sunken this low. When did we give up on science? When!? Wait, when? Oh, yeah, the Kardashians really screwed up America.”
“This is all so sudden,” said a mood dweller. “We thought we were the only ones and now… well, it’s just hard to transition from being an only child to discovering you have a step brother. What? Oh, yeah, we colonized the moon in the late 90s. Yeah, I probably should have lead with that, but… all the feels, ya know?”
Scientists also claim to have discovered “a whole world that’s exactly like ours but the people are helpless babies”, “the only way to travel to this world is by boat” and “yes, we’re describing Europe. Zing? Zing.”
“Great, another mouth to feed,” said God. “Wait, what am I saying? I’ve given all of you- wait, are you recording this? I asked that this be off the record. Smite! Smite you all!” We then woke up and realized that we might have fallen asleep at our desk when writing this, and got a coffee.
Cape Canaveral, FL – Space station astronauts opened the world’s first inflatable space habitat and floated inside.
“How did we float inside you ask?” repeated an astronaut. “Well, we created a little black hole that reverses the gravity of- hold on, there’s a lot of screaming from down the hall. Guys! Can you keep it down? I’m tyring to- what? Oh my God, no! No! Run for your lives! Wait, there is no point in running, we’re all doomed! No, this is off the record!”
“That’s cute,” said a Chinese Space Officer from the deck of the flagship of Third Chinese Space fleet. “Let’s jump back to Alpha Centauri and finish the bombing run. Soon the gold planet will be ours and we will have enough materials to create our own universes! Also, jettison the press.”
NASA also opened “a make your own sundae bar”, “six different dry cleaners in the greater Houston area” and “our hearts and minds. What? We needed a third thing. Yes, of course it’s true, you moron! Oh, yeah, maybe it isn’t. Fair enough.”
“Yeah, welcome to Earth,” said a teen. “Dude, think about it: we’re already in an enclosed habitat and, like, we’re ruining it.” He shook his head, adding, “how could you be so stupid?” We tried explaining how we weren’t stupid, citied our collective degrees and schooling, but it seemed to have little effect, so we called him a millennial and left.
Space – Incredible footage captured by the International Space Station’s base’s cameras shows a suspicious looking fireball just behind the station.
“That’s totally a UFO!” yelled a man who watches the ISS feeds for most of the day. “We don’t know what it is and it’s flying! That’s literally the definition of a UFO! Or is it ‘an’ UFO.” After several hours of research, he noted, “man, the internet is a real mess. Someone should fix it,” then went and had a sandwich.
“It’s nothing!” yelled a top Pentagon official. “Go away!” He shut his door, then made a few phone calls where he loudly told whomever it was on the other line that the “press was hip to their game,” “initiate protocols foxtrot, golf, and lima” and “I’m not yelling, I’m just fired up right now! No, no one can hear me, the best government contractors made this room and… oh damn it.”
NASA also released footage of “several hundred satellite vids of sunbathers”, “six of the fifteen alien autopsies” and “a whole mess of paperwork we forgot to file in the 90s. Turns out we totally could have kept the space program going, we just didn’t get the forms signed. Whatever, we’re scientists, not signingtists. See what we did there?”
“At the end of the day, we all know it’s a probe, or a shuttle, or a meteor,” said a realist. “Look, guys, I’m a realist, and there’s no way aliens have come to Earth. Even if they have, they probably just took human form and are living peacefully among us so let’s all just chill.”
London, UK – According to a doctor, feeling drowsy after lunch is completely natural.
“Oh, thank God!” exclaimed a woman. “I thought I was dying. I mean, I was getting tired in the middle of the day and- no, it was fatigue. And then I was losing motor control and cognitive clarity. So yeah, those are signs that you’re dying. I feel a lot better knowing that I won’t die. Wait, what? Oh no. No!”
“Maybe we’ve run out of things to discovery,” admitted a researcher. “But that’s not for you to decide. We’re currently running a seven year survey of studies on the limits of research- oh Jesus, I just heard how stupid I sound.” She took off her lab coat and added, “I quit. I’m going to write children’s poetry.”
Other findings also included “we sleep to get rest”, “we eat because we need to eat stuff” and “things are done because something is forcing us to do junk. Whatever.”
“Sorry, boss, but science is telling me I have to take a nap,” said an air traffic controller. “Let’s go, guys, it’s nap time. Come on, McMarrin, get in here. Gentry isn’t going to spoon herself. There you go. Is that enough blanket or- sorry, I’ll keep it down. Night, ya’ll, I love you.”
Houston, TX – A handful of scientists around the United States are trying to do something that some people find disturbing: make embryos that are part human, part animal.
“It’s all about helping humanity,” said a scientist. “Whilst being able to have claws, or fangs, or be able to see in the dark, or glide, or climb really well, or breathe underwater, or have lasers shoot from your eyes.” After catching his breath he added, “we’re still working on that last part, but trust me, it’s a thing.”
“This is a travesty,” said a woman. “You can’t go against God’s greatest creation! Well, you can, but then you’ll suffer eternally because you’ve upset a loving and forgiving God.” She thought for a second, then noted, “yeah, that sounds stupid. Do what you want, it really won’t effect me.”
Scientists are also trying to “make a better banana soufflé”, “crack that whole Tootsie Roll pop problem” and “go back to space. Remember when we- no? When were you born. Oh no.”
“Haven’t we already done that?” asked a man. “I mean, we use animal parts for some surgeries, right? So…” He then made several gestures with his hands and eyebrows as if to coax out a conclusion. When our reporter didn’t give one he shook his head, adding, “you’re supposed to give a concrete answer and then move on. That’s your job, right?”
Cape Canaveral, FL – NASA is planning to plough up to a half of a million American dollars into a scheme to develop a hibernation chamber which will put humans to sleep for up to fourteen days.
“If we can put someone to sleep for fourteen days, we can send them to Houston,” said a NASA official. “That’s about how long it takes from our lab here in Pasadena. Yeah, I guess it is ironic we can go to the moon but can’t figure out a simple way to travel between two points on Earth.” He sprayed a thick mist in our reporter’s face, whispering, “now sleep.”
“They’ve never attended our Monday morning meeting,” texted one of our associates during our Monday morning staff meeting. “They’d sleep on torah. WTF LOLZ I tried to write fever but it changed it to torah. Torahs. Forrah. JEsuS no, or ever. FOR EVER” She looked up and shook her head as if to say, “autocorrect, right?”
NASA also plans to “go about a sixteenth of the way to Mars”, “build a very small outhouse on the moon” and “start thinking about opening an office in Phoenix. It’s a growing city with a lot of space, it could work. Yeah, probably not. Well, let’s just think about it first.”
“It’s not about results,” said a scientist. “It’s about gaining a better understanding as to how things work. So no, it will yield no immediate results, but these sort of tests have remarkable long- no, you shut up! No, you! You!”