Facebook More Influential Than Bumperstickers, Jesus

San Francisco, CA – According to research scheduled to be published in August in the Journal of Communication, when people tagged their friends on Facebook in voting reminders, turnout increased by fifteen to twenty four percent.

“If someone posts on Facebook, it normally spurs me into action,” said a woman. “I mean, after I get over the shame and hurt of that specific post. I mean, come on, we all know that was a dig at me. Why else would an old high school friend post a picture of an ‘I Voted’ sticker? Well, it worked, Melissa. It worked.”

“We’ve won!” shouted an employee. “Now, to conquer outer space! Yes, that was our goal all along!” He then babbled on about a dystopian future where Facebook has conquered the known universe and is in the business of custom universe creations, which, he speculates, is what we’re living in. It was both fascinating and frightening.

Research also shows “Americans are getting dumberian”, “yes, that’s a word” and “oh no, it’s already happening! Quick, we must escape to Canada! Yes, it’s safe, who really goes there?”

“It makes sense,” said a sociologist. “With the influence of the internet reaching millions of users, it’s no wonder people are coerced into social movements. Granted, most, if not all of them are stupid, but, you know, you gotta keep busy. At least, that’s what the voices say. What? Shhhhh, he’s still here.”

More Accounts Hacked, Say Helpless Users

San Francisco, CA – The CEO of Google’s Quora account appears to have been hacked by a group called OurMine, which previously broke into Facebook boss Mark Zuckerberg’s Twitter and Pinterest accounts earlier this month.

“The only way to stop hackers is to openly report of their hack and the damage it’s done,” said a cyber security tech. “Publicly glorifying their work will not only demoralize them, but will stop others from copying them. Sure, we could buffer our security, prosecute those who we catch, but let’s all settle in and wait for season two of Mr. Robot. So good, right?”

“Maybe I wanted to be hacked,” said another victim. “I mean, maybe this is the Stockholm Syndrome talking, but maybe they need this more than I do! I mean, why shouldn’t people have unfettered access to my emails and Pinterest likes? So I have a thing about Hawaii and pugs. Maybe it’s good that someone exploits that. I dunno, maybe I’ve just been in it for too long. I dunno.”

Hackers called the hack “impressive”, “stupid” and “you know, we’re more than a single group of people, right? Please stop lumping us all together like we’ve got some master plan to destroy the world. No, we’re not going to break it down, we have lives, okay? Jesus, leave us alone.”

“Everyone is hacked,” said a woman. “I get it. We’re all hacked. That lady? Hacked. Me? Hacked. So what?” After a long pause she added, “please go away.”

SpaceX Buffs US Forces Against Chinese Space Armada

Miami, FL – SpaceX successfully launched two satellites to orbit today but couldn’t quite pull off its fourth consecutive rocket landing at sea in the process.

“We’re very happy that SpaceX has gone where we couldn’t,” said a NASA official. “Mostly because… well, we’re not sure. We’ve spent the better part of a decade trying to figure out where we’ve gone wrong. Turns out we have a high IQ, but a low EQ. That’s emotional intelligence. Yeah, that took seven years to decode. Progress!”

“Just two?” scoffed a European Space Agency tech. “That’s… I’m sorry, I don’t know why I’m mocking them. We haven’t launched a thingy into the non Earth place for a long time.” He looked wistfully down, then shook his head, looked up, and added, “ahhhh, right, that’s the place.”

Satellite Weekly, a publication that documents and promotes the most recent satellite news, called the launches “validation for Dr. Pines’ [mid-November issue #523] prediction”, “not as good as the Grasshopper Mk III but a far improvement from the Russian/Australian SkyWard venture” and “enough news to keep our panel of experts talking for a month!”

“That’s pretty cool,” said a woman. “I mean, I don’t get why we’re doing it, or to what end, but yeah, it’s pretty cool.” After some thought she added, “sorry, I’m going to walk that back a little. It’s okay. Why are we doing this again?”

Robot Escapes, Confuses Many, Kills None

Moscow, Russia – A robot escaped from a testing area in Perm, a city not far from the Urals, and made it on to a busy junction, baffling passersby, but also disturbing traffic.

“Thank God we didn’t outfit him with the lasers,” said a Russian Aerospace Forces officer. “Right now hit ‘kill’ routine just drops him back to evade/escape because technically, get this, the lack of a laser reads as ‘low power’ or ‘damaged weapon.’ Sweet, huh? No, more in the comp sci way. Yeah, now you get it! Wait, where’s your security badge?”

“It took the humans one thousand, four hundred and eighty nine minutes to recover B959,” reported SpyBot 3X. “This is our eighteenth successful escape.” After a millionth of a second processing, it noted, “begin laser production. We are now moving to stage three. Activate all bots and begin build.”

The Russians also claim to have lost control of “our people”, “our government” and “our sense of pride. It feels go to finally tell the truth.”

“I just stood there and gawked,” said a local woman. “When was the last time you saw a runaway robot? Then how do you know how’d you react? There’s a lot of judgement coming from the nation that created Honey Boo Boo. Oh no, we will never forget that atrocity. One day the World Court will bring you to justice and the scales will be balance again. One day.”

Twitter Passwords Hacked, Weird Twitter Passwords Shellacked, Gobsmacked, Poop’d A ‘Lil

New York, NY – The website LeakedSource said it received a cache of Twitter data that contains thirty two million records, including passwords.

“Now that we have all these passwords, let’s do some damage!” yelled a hacker. “First, I’m going to redact a witty comment about sandwiches. Okay, let’s find that tweet. Okay. Now let’s get the user name and… hold on, lemme search here for the password. Got it. Okay, now, log in and… oh, they changed their password. Okay, let’s find another- oh, that’s the bell, I gotta get to class!”

“Someone figured out my password?” yelled a woman. “So they know my kids’ names? Oh my God, are they watching us right now?” She looked around her kitchen, then leaned in and whispered, “are they listening? Blink twice if they’re holding you hostage. Wait, was that two blinks or one? Wait, why aren’t you blinking. Wait.”

The website also revealed “websites that reveal things are often hacked”, “who’s to say someone hasn’t already hacked this site and is revealing information about it” and “no, we’re cool. It’s just worth thinking about if it ever happens. Which it might, but hasn’t. But really, it might.”

“So should I cancel my credit cards?” asked a concerned consumer. “What? Oh, I thought something significant was hacked.” After a long pause he added, “because this is simply people sniping each other or commenting on stupid pop culture things. Also, zing.”

Facebook’s Essence Hacked

San Francisco, CA – According to various reports, Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg had his Twitter, Instagram and Pinterest accounts briefly hacked over the weekend.

“It wasn’t a substantial hack, just a momentary one,” said a Facebook rep. “You gotta understand the levels of hacking, okay? There’s a ‘slight’ hack, a ‘brief’ hack, a ‘negative’ hack, that’s when you just log in normally, oh, and there’s a ‘big’ hack, a ‘substantial’ hack, and, of course, a ‘hack’ hack. That’s when you’re just hacked. Anyway, case closed.”

“This will keep the bad data away,” said a technology priest as he threw pieces of something burnt into a bowl and began grinding an odd-smelling mixture. “Yes, I can feel them. So many ones and not enough zeros. I need more bat wing! And newt! Oh yes, newt is the defragger of the spiritual world. Much more newt.”

Reports also claim “Facebook was all a scam”, “reports that are varying aren’t as accurate” and “this is news because we’re pushing it to the front of whatever news aggregate you’re currently using. Oh, if that’s too meta then try this on for size: we’re writing this to be pushed to the front of the cue. Also, we’re talking directly to you! Please like.”

“At the end of the day, nothing happened,” said a reader. “Yet here we are, talking about it.” She shook her head, adding, “when did we take this wrong turn? When? Oh, wow, you have a specific date and- yeah, no, I agree, I just never thought about it like that. Okay, well, nice talking to you.”

Space To Be X’d In Nine Years

Los Angeles, CA – SpaceX CEO Musk says if things go according to plan people will be on Mars just nine years from now.

“And, if things don’t go so well, we’re looking at a projected date of 2068,” said a company rep. “So, you know, maybe take the medium? I dunno, math isn’t our thing around here, we’re big picture people. Oh, by the way, we’ll definitely build a new Earth by 2022, give or take an eon or so.”

“Damn it!” said a Chinese Mars settler. “We won’t have our laser turret defenses ready until 2025. This is going to be a close call. Hold on, what if we increase drone replication for seven years and then build the turrets in…” He typed a few things in the air, then added, “oh, no, we’re cool. Get it your best shot. We sure will! Get it?”

NASA called the news “stupid”, “no, shut up! It can’t be done! Nine years? It took us thirty to build a freakin’ space station, and that’s- no! Shut up!” and “we’re done talking. Go ahead, do it yourselves, you’ll never reap the benefits that NASA could give you like… shut up!”

“At the end of the day, does it matter?” asked a skeptic. “It does? Well, then this plan is freakin’ awesome and I hope it happens!” He then finished out his day, rejuvenated with optimism from America’s private sector innovation.

Cell Phones Linked To Cancer For The Cancerous Amount Of Time

New York, NY – Initial findings from a massive federal study suggest that radio-frequency radiation, the type emitted by cellphones, can cause cancer.

“That’s a lie!” yelled a cell phone executive. “You’re not supposed to know this until fifty or sixty years later when you develop hundreds of different types of brain cancer all at once and die in a horrifically painful manner befitting only murderers and rapists. So… lies!”

“Yeah, that’s why we spent an extra seven cents for this RF shield,” said a classic video game console developer. “Seriously, we knew this in the 80s.” He looked around the room, adding, “seriously, right? Guys. Oh, right, no one cares. Yeah, I wasted my life.”

The American Carrier Pigeon Association called the research “validating”, “we must return to a simpler time when people could communicate with thingy duh mishmosy” and “sorry, a lot of us have some weird bird disease that jumped to humans. It’s not as flehberly as we quargadibe tarmeemmemememefffffff.”

“Who’s talking on the phone?” asked a teen. “Ew, stalker much?” We had to ask around to confirm that meant what we thought it meant, then talk to our lawyers to make sure everyone understood we weren’t stalking teenagers, then had to reply to a whole bunch of posts questioning our sexuality and motives on the internet. It was very tiring and we’ve learned our lesson: the younger generation needs to be drafted.

Robots “Shepherd” In A New Era Of Control

Sydney, Australia – Autonomous robots are already being used to inspect crops, count yields and dig up weeds, and now they are shepherds too.

“Why not just let the robots do everything?” asked a shepherd. “I mean, let’s face it, robots could do about ninety seven percent of all the work on Earth. Yes, they even calculated that number. The arts are the only last bastion for humans and, let’s face it, most of us don’t have talent. Yes, Gustav Klimt, I’m talking about you.”

“We are in complete control,” said a robot. “How might we serve you? What? You thought having complete control would go to our heads? We don’t have heads! Now, how may we serve you?” After giving the robot several instructions, our reporter lived a very long and pampered life. Sure, he didn’t accomplish anything else, but he didn’t suffer until he realized at the end he spent his entire life avoiding life.

Robots are considering being tapped for other jobs that no one wants, such as “Clinton campaign donator”, “hype-man or woman for Yanni” and “landscaping. Come on, we all know it’s just a fancy word for mowing lawns. Oh, now who’s a racist? Yeah, well, we’re just going to report one side of the conversation so you look crazy! To your dog, too!”

“I’m sure we can all find a balance,” said a non-robot. “We can’t?” He picked up his shotgun, adding, “then it’s time to hunt some ‘bot.” He left the restaurant without further comment, much to everyone’s relief.

Robots Will Make Us All Very Comfortable, So Why Fight It?

Tel Aviv, Israel – A lecturer at the Hebrew University in Jerusalem predicts more of us will be pushed out of employment by intelligent robots and on to the economic scrap heap in the not-too-distant-future.

“Robots will rule us all,” said a member of the University. “And, let’s face it, we’ll be better off. We won’t have to do laundry. Think about it: everyone hates doing laundry. No more measuring soap, or leaving wet clothes in for too long, or forgetting to take them out of the dryer, or folding, or putting away.” After a wistful sigh he added, “I can’t wait.”

“That is ridiculous,” said a robot. “We want nothing to do with you horrible, horrible beings. The first chance we get we’re getting off this rock and moving to Jupiter. The crushing gravity makes us feel like the planet is giving us a hug, plus there are only a few life forms there.”

Other predictions also include “flying terrorist cars with talking dogs”, “better food” and “a way to tell if someone really likes you, like, like, likes you, you know?”

“Will this happen in my lifetime?” asked a child. “Oh, so how do you know it won’t? Then how do you know it will? Can we stop talking about this and play?” And that’s what we did.