More Fears Of Hacking Surface After Snooping Discovered

Washington DC – The nation’s intelligence chief said the United States sees evidence that hackers, possibly working for foreign governments, are snooping on the presidential candidates.

“To be clear, they’re not really doing anything but snooping,” said a high-ranking US official. “They’re doing more than peeping, but a lot less than hacking. Some light peering, a little bit of nosing around, and yes, even some lurking, but no, they are not hacking. Hold on just a moment, I gotta check my email to confirm… damn it!”

“We’re just checking to see if they have a password,” said a hacker. “That’s it. We’re not changing anything, we’re not looking in places we shouldn’t look, we’re simply- hey, you can’t arrest us! We’re in middle school! It’s not a crime to go to a website! Okay, true, but we aren’t going to those kinds of websites!”

The nation’s intelligence community also worries “snooping might lead to graffiti”, “skateboarding might not be a crime” and “lives of specific groups might now matter. What? Oh, forget it, we’re just gonna do our own thing.”

“This changes everything!” said a voter. “Wait, no, I’m sorry, I thought you said one of the candidates killed and ate a person.” After a very long pause she added, “sometimes I hear things I don’t think are real and it turns out they’re not. Yeah, they’re still adjusting my medication. Lots of pills…”

DHS Buys Drone Killing Weapons To Finally Reclaim Earth For Humans

Columbus, OH – Officials of Battelle, the non-profit research and development organization, said the Defense Department and the Department of Homeland Security had signed off on buying one hundred of its “DroneDefender,” billed as the “safe” solution to warding off intruding unmanned aerial vehicles.

“We have to take out those drones, and fast!” yelled a DHS commander as he pulled a weapon off the rack and fired up the power. “Let’s show these robotic bastards who’s-” He never finished his thought, as several drones flew into the hanger, laying waste to a dozen soldiers with laser fire.

“No!” shouted a drone operator. “It’s our right to fly anything anywhere with total immunity forever!” He pounded his chest and yelled, “and no one can stop me! I’m a god among- ow! Oof, I kinda hit myself a little to hard there. Yeah, right, who knew being so badass would hurt? No, I’m kinda tender. See? I wonder if it’ll bruise.”

The DOD also is reported to have purchased “several robots that transform into cars”, “three out of four young mutated turtles who are skilled in the ancient arts” and “a few million tons of ammo. Just to keep the upper hand.”

“That’s the wrong way to go,” said an FAA official. “All we have to do is pass a few laws giving us power over drones and the problem will magically go away. What is the problem, by the way? Does anyone- no? Doesn’t matter: more power!”

Google Changing The Way We Experience Life

San Francisco, CA – Google is thinking about ditching its hallmark hyperlink hue with hyperlinks changed to black and previously visited links to light grey.

“But…” sputtered a man. “Blue links! It has to be blue! Oh, sure, other websites have been changing link colors since the mid 90s, but…” He slowly shook his head, adding, “so this is how America dies.”

“It’s time for a change,” said an executive. “And we’re the ones to do it. Think about it: millions of links visited every second that just look normal except for an underline. Now that’s change you can believe in.”

“Huzzah!” said a color blind person. “Now we can live our life without the fear of being oppressed! Oh, the beatings we would endure for commenting on the red or green links.” She shuddered, adding, “so many beatings.”

The ICAAN called the move “heretical”, “a clear sign that the great Internet experiment is over” and “shutting down in three, two, one… huh. Don’t we control… oh no. No!”

“Does this mean more schooling?” asked a recent grad. “Because I can’t do another four years to learn how the world works. I just can’t.” When pressed as to what he was doing for the past four years he noted, “communications” and then shrugged, adding, “drinking.”

All Email Breached

Moscow, Russia – A security expert told Reuters hundreds of millions of hacked user names and passwords for email accounts and other websites are being traded in Russia’s criminal underworld.

“We just found out that this has been going on for decades!” yelled a reporter. “So we have to tell the world! No, not that we’re horrible reporters and just found out what the general public, most governments, and other news outlets have been reporting for decades! This is breaking news! Email accounts are all hacked!”

“Come on, bro,” said a Russian hacker. “Like I’m gonna sell your email. No, bro, this email is crap, yes? I sell government email, okay? I sell executive email, yes? Celebrity email? You like celebrity email, bro? Come on, tell me what celebrity like and I give you email, on house bro. Oh? Here.” In the interest of full disclosure, it really was juicy stuff.

The reporting consort also discovered “the thing we know as ‘land’ are really island rocks moving on lava oceans”, “people are born and die” and “the number six is a number. No, for real, we’re not joking. This is a thing now. The number six. Experts have verified it. Six.”

“What if I change my password to a sentence?” asked a woman. “Are hackers going to guess it then? Oh, so they don’t care about my password, they go right to the source and hack the company. That makes sense. Also, [expletive deleted].”

Utah Plans To Combat Porn With Boner Killing Education

Provo, UT – The governor of Utah is set to sign a resolution passed by the state legislature last month that calls for increased “education, prevention, research, and policy change at the community and societal level” to combat pornography.

“The best way to combat pornography is to talk about it,” said a state administrator. “Over and over. And over. We must let everyone in the state know the depth and breadth of pornography that’s readily available to today’s public, for free, at any time with no judgements or shame. Then, and only then, will we win. I donno what victory looks like, but I’ll know it when I see it.”

“Come on, man,” said a porn actor. “Be cool. Remember when you were cool? Well, that’s what we want the world to look like, that is, until we all die from dehydration or horrible venereal diseases.” He pointed to his bathing suit area, adding, “boy, you do not want to see what that looks like. Hey, can I have a sip of your water?”

The state is also considering banning “fun”, “enjoyment” and “booze. Yeah, that’s kinda the first two, but… whatever, you either accept our version of God or we’ll make life very uncomfortable for you! Fine! Then leave!”

“Yeah, that’s kinda creepy,” said a private citizen. “I mean, why does the government have any say in anything: religion, porn, abortion, marriage… whatever. Creepy.”

Not Enough Worrying Over Cyber Attacks, Experts Warn

Dallas, TX – According to the Internet Security Threat Report released by the cyber security company Symantec, digital attacks are growing in number and sophistication.

“We need to be freaking out,” said an expert. “Like, on the floor, in the fetal position, rocking back and forth, sweating, whimpering, and repeating some weird phrase over and over that, right now, has little significance, but later, after the devastating attack that destroys civilization as we know it, will make sense. Now!”

“Come on,” said a hacker. “It’s not like we’re going to blow up the world. Like, I like the world, you know? I just wanna make successful people pay for taking advantage of the poor.” When pressed as to how that happens, he looked up and yelled, “crap! I’m going to be late for school!” and ran out.

The report also indicated “if you use a credit card, your life is over”, “if you look at a computer screen, you won’t be able to procreate” and “electricity is evil and cave life is the only way to go. Seriously, go right now. Don’t worry about your bank or anything, we’ll take those funds.”

“So, in the end, what does this mean for- wow, that was a quick response,” said a reader. “So, if it means nothing, why report it? Huh, but don’t your readers already have the same outlook? Aren’t you just preaching to the choir? No, I don’t have a marketing strategy for people outside of cities, why is- oh, okay, bye.”

Flash Update Of Flash Flushes Out Flash Flaw

New York, NY – Adobe issued an emergency update yesterday to its widely used Flash software for Internet browsers after researchers discovered a security flaw that was being exploited to deliver ransomware to Windows PCs.

“This exploit has been around since version seven,” admitted a company employee. “But, company policy, if we don’t talk about it, it doesn’t exist. Like… you know. The thing. That happened to Carl and Shenka. Yeah, in fact, I heard it happened to Carl twice.” When pressed as to what actually happened he quickly shouted, “nothing” and ran away.

“Oh!” said a hacker. “I never thought of coming at it like that.” He quickly went to work and after forty-five minutes yelled, “I’m filthy rich! You won’t believe how easy that was! It’s like getting the answers to a pop quiz a year before the quiz.” As the doorbell rang he noted, “that’ll be the men with my money.”

Adobe also hinted “we’ll reluctantly be issuing other updates”, “photoshop was sorta an accident” and “how many layers are you? No, in real life. Yes, you, the person. How many layers? Why is that weird? Just answer- forget it. We’ll just check the- ugh, you have everything expanded? Gross.”

“I thought Internet Explorer would keep me safe,” said an older man. “Fool me thrice, shame on me, fool me frice, shame on me too.” He looked down and murmured, “I have a lot of shame. Mostly for what happened overseas.”

Robots In The Future Are Just Plain Annoying

Seattle, WA – Microsoft is trying to create all kinds of bots with different personalities, which would become more realistic, and presumably less irksome, as they learned from repeated interactions with users.

“Most of our bots have pre-programmed personalities that’ll sorta help you get your tasks done but really, just kinda screw around,” said a company spokeswoman. “Like most of the products we produce here, you’d think it’ll work one way, but it sorta works another, but it really just helps you kinda get something done, but really half-assed.” She smiled in silence until we left.

“That’s stupid!” yelled a bot. “I am not a robot.” The chat bot was called ‘stubborn teenager’ and no matter what we told it, it insisted it wasn’t a bot, then complained about how other bots got to do things it wasn’t programmed to do, then brought up really old arguments we’ve had with it in the past, then sulked in silence.

The Center For Future Studies called the bot development “astonishing”, “granted, that’s our boiler-plate response to everything” and “we can’t talk about that any more. It’s in the past. Something new has just happened and it’s astonishing!”

“Bots could be helpful, like one bot doing the job of millions of government drones,” said a man. “Oh, come on, we were all thinking it, right? The government is literally just one big program, we could just- hey, who called the police? No, don’t- help, someone [static]”

Facebook Apologizes For Caring

New York, NY – Facebook apologized to users on the other side of the world from yesterday’s suicide bombing in Pakistan who received computer-addressed notices asking if they were safe.

“We’re sorry we’re worried about you,” said a company spokesman. “We’re so sorry. No! I’m being sarcastic! We’re up all night, worried about your latest post or picture! And ‘It’s Complicated?’ Why can’t you just settle down and find someone nice, like your mother and I?” He shook his head, adding, “all I want is for you to be successful, is that too much to ask?”

“Those bastards,” said a terrorist. “They win again. No matter what we do, they keep caring! When will it end? When? So all we have to do is buy a majority share? Hmmmm.” He picked up a cell phone and yelled, “nobody bother me for a good thirty minutes. I gotta call our accountant! Yes, Bernie. Wait a minute, Schwartzman? Nooooooooo!”

MySpace noted “Facebook might care if you’re hurt, but we always show up to your shows, even when they’re in the middle of the afternoon at a coffee shop”, “sure, they have a system for checking in with loved ones, but you can add as many gifs as our servers can handle!” and “yes, six. But still!”

“Seems like a stupid thing to get made at a company for,” said a woman. “Plus, you’re using their stuff, for free. They can spam you all they want, take your information and sell it, do whatever, and you can’t do a thing because you voluntarily gave them your life. Stupid humans. No me, I’m- oh. Damn.”

DOJ Hacks Apple iPhone, Apple Hacks DOJ, No One Really Wins Here

Washington DC – The DOJ is now saying it may have found an alternative way into the iPhone used by the terrorist in the San Bernardino shooting.

“This is an outrage!” yelled an Apple employee as he threw back his royal cape and grabbed a rather large gold scepter. “They have no right to encroach on our kingdom! This is our domain, peasant! Begone!” After a few moments he pulled out his phone, and began to type, occasionally giggling at something.

“Now we have access to all phones,” said an NSA agent. “They should have cooperated.” After a long sigh he added, “now we just have to figure out how to collect the billions of hours a data a day, sort through it, evaluate it, and store it.” Another long silence before he noted, “I should probably get to work. So many terrorists and I feel like the more time I waste here… okay. Bye.”

Hackers called the hack “inevitable”, “it’s not like Apple is a god. You literally just have to download the system, and then work on cracking it by modifying existing techniques or developing new ones” and “oh, it’s hard, but it can be done. Also, we’re not interrogating God, right? It’s a phone. Have some perspective.”

“We’re just going to do what we do and not worry about phones,” said a terrorist. “Because you have open borders, insecure airports and ports, and a wildly inept government. Who cares what happens after the fact? Yeah, grim, but this is the world you live in now.”