Washington DC – The nation’s intelligence chief said the United States sees evidence that hackers, possibly working for foreign governments, are snooping on the presidential candidates.
“To be clear, they’re not really doing anything but snooping,” said a high-ranking US official. “They’re doing more than peeping, but a lot less than hacking. Some light peering, a little bit of nosing around, and yes, even some lurking, but no, they are not hacking. Hold on just a moment, I gotta check my email to confirm… damn it!”
“We’re just checking to see if they have a password,” said a hacker. “That’s it. We’re not changing anything, we’re not looking in places we shouldn’t look, we’re simply- hey, you can’t arrest us! We’re in middle school! It’s not a crime to go to a website! Okay, true, but we aren’t going to those kinds of websites!”
The nation’s intelligence community also worries “snooping might lead to graffiti”, “skateboarding might not be a crime” and “lives of specific groups might now matter. What? Oh, forget it, we’re just gonna do our own thing.”
“This changes everything!” said a voter. “Wait, no, I’m sorry, I thought you said one of the candidates killed and ate a person.” After a very long pause she added, “sometimes I hear things I don’t think are real and it turns out they’re not. Yeah, they’re still adjusting my medication. Lots of pills…”