Tampa, FL – According to the US Department of Transportation eight airlines from select cities could begin flying to and from Havana as early as this fall.
“I can’t wait to stand in a line to travel to America,” said a Cuban. “I mean, the racism, the executions, the poverty! They’re finally just like us! Hurray for globalization!” He spat several times in the street, then stabbed a woman standing next to him. We tried to stop him, but the local authorities stopped us, claiming he knew one of the brothers.
“We look forward to torturing the people of another country,” said an airline official. “Not only will there be soul-crushing delays, but lost luggage, tons of fees, paperwork, fines for missing paperwork or unpaid fees, so much confusion over language and customs.” He held up his hands, adding, “I’m already chafing from all the hand-rubbing-in-anticipation! Chafing!”
Cuba called the opening “great”, “it’s always a good day when you beat your enemy” and “oh yes, you’re weak and soft. So much so we’re literally floating over our tanks to take over Florida. No, you can’t give it to us, we’re taking it!”
“This is a huge step for all of us who have family in Cuba but haven’t been able to get there for fifty years,” said an American. “And, know, now we can trade with them and get… damn it, were we duped again? And why the hell am I charged an international traveling fee? What is that?”
New York, NY – With US intelligence increasingly confident that the Istanbul airport attack was the work of ISIS, officials are stepping up security at American airports over concerns about possible plots coinciding with the Fourth of July holiday and the Muslim Ramadan holiday.
“We’re totally in control,” said a TSA agent. “That’s what I’d normally say, but, you know.” He raised his eyebrows a few times then motioned his head towards his supervisor. After a long pause he loudly announced, “looks like everything’s in order here. Have a safe travel and tell everyone of this experience. Hope to see you real, real soon.”
“We’ve totally won!” shouted a terrorist. He looked around his dusty bedroom, adding, “and yet, it doesn’t feel like it. Maybe dragging people down to my level doesn’t improve my lot.” He pulled out his knife, adding, “or, maybe it’s that I haven’t dragged enough people down! Let the killings… begin!”
The FBI called the increased security “appropriate”, “we’re totally confident that nothing can go wrong, as we’re always on it” and “no, we’re not being sarcastic! How dare- that’s it, you’re under arrest.”
“And I was looking forward to the normal dehumanizing experience of travel,” said a traveler. “Now they’re going to make me wait a lot longer before any semblance of respect is taken away? Damn, they’ve gotten good at this.”
Washington DC – Government lawyers announced a nearly fifteen billion dollar settlement with carmaker Volkswagen to partially resolve a US investigation into emissions cheating on certain models of diesel vehicles.
“Granted, we all know that car emissions account for less than one percent of greenhouse gasses,” said an expert. “But let’s all just feel good about ourselves and pretend that driving a car that looks like a 50’s child’s idea of the future!” He pinched his nose, adding, “sorry, I… sorry. My kids are home for the summer and… let’s start over. Yes, this is good because now companies are getting fined by a government that can’t even provide healthcare! Damn it!”
“You see, we have guns,” said a government official. “So you either do what we say or we’ll throw you in jail or kill you for resisting.” He pointed to his sidearm, adding, “but don’t forget, this is a democracy, so you can say what you want as we shoot you. Also, I have to shoot you for… whatever.”
Car companies called the settlement “confusing”, “the government bought most of us years ago, aren’t they just paying themselves?” and “the only way this could be worse is taxing their income that they made to pay themselves on their payment to themselves. It made sense in our heads.”
“Yeah, business in America seems to be going away,” said a businessman. “So yes, Qatar officials, I’d love to incorporate my business here. Boy, that’s some weather? Always this hot? Huh.”
Paris, France – Six Flags plans to expand to Saudi Arabia, its chief financial officer told Saudi-owned Arabiya TV today, bringing roller coasters and bumper cars to the ultra-conservative kingdom.
“Women are not allowed to ride the roller coaster, eat any food, drink anything, or exist,” said a local official. “So yes, it will be a fun time.” After a long moment he added, “please don’t let a woman read this. They go bananas whenever we bring up the rights thing, which is why we know they don’t deserve rights. Also, we kinda like terrorists. Okay! Let’s get some cotton candy!”
“Hey, we’re in Trenton so how much father down can we sink?” asked a company representative. “Woah, not everyone at once. Yes, you up front. Okay, valid point. Next? Hold on, she was- hold on. Yes? Okay. Now you. That’s what he said. No, that’s not a joke, that’s what the first guy said. Okay, can we just form a line so everyone has a chance to criticize us? Thank you.”
The CIA called the park “a great idea”, “no one would suspect a government operation of this scale” and “we could operate unnoticed for years! Wait, are you reporters? Yeah, we don’t know why saying that to anyone would be cool.”
“What about investing in American infrastructure?” asked an American. “What about fixing our roads, huh? Why does all the money go overseas? Huh? Private? What does that mean? Oh. Well, it still doesn’t seem right. Yes, I can say that because it’s America! U-S… come on, you’re supposed to chant!”
Washington DC – The State Department warned Americans traveling to Europe about risk of terror attacks over the summer.
“We all know Europe is super gross,” admitted a high-ranking official. “But now it’s dangerous as well. And not the kind of danger that will leave you with a Staph infection. Well, you’re still going to get a Staph infection, but then you’ll be shot in the name of a loving religion, so… just don’t go, it’s gross.”
“We welcome all tourists from all- wait, what?” asked European tourist official. “What do you know that we don’t? Don’t just shrug and hold up your hands in bemused resignation, you have a moral obligation to tell me? Don’t just walk away with your hands in your pockets whistling! Don’t- oh, you’re gone.”
The State Department also warned travelers to “give yourselves plenty of time to be humiliated at domestic airports”, “make sure you have a living trust or at least a will when traveling to any state between New York and California” and “be in a constant state of freaked-outness.”
“What about traveling to the Middle East?” asked a traveler. “Is that safe than Europe? Then why aren’t you telling us to- oh. How ‘long standing’ was- oh. Wow, that’s almost fifty years. Yeah, I guess we do need peace in the Middle East. Huh. Anyway, how was the long weekend?”
Los Angeles, CA – A SWAT team with guns drawn searched a jet packed with passengers at Los Angeles International Airport yesterday after authorities received a threat about the flight from Houston.
“It’s time we take these passengers down a peg or two,” said an airline attendant. “These greedy bastards don’t know how good they have it, what with their tiny seats and free water.” She spat, adding, “most of them should be shot in their collective [expletive deleted]s. Yes, even the ones without [expletive deleted]s.”
“Oh, no one was in danger,” said an airline official. “I mean, besides the passengers.” After a long laugh he lit a cigar, took a few content puffs, then mumbled, “disgusting plebs. What? Oh, there’s still one here? Then it’s time to hunt the most dangerous game: man.”
The TSA called the raid “a direct response to your complaining about long lines”, “why can’t you take off your coat and shoes? How many times do we have to tell you?” and “are you texting right now when we’re giving a statement? This is why we hate you. Well, that and you’re the public. The public is just horrible. Just horrible.”
“Well, at least no one got hurt,” sighed a reporter as he closed his notebook. “Yeah… I’m super happy about that. Super… duper… happy.” He pulled out his flask, took a long pull, then burped, “happy.”
Phoenix, AZ – Officials with Transportation Security Administration said more than three thousand checked bags missed their outbound flights in Phoenix yesterday because of a problem with a screening system at Sky Harbor International Airport.
“Really? That’s nothing,” said an officer. “You should see the number of unreported lost or delayed bags. It’s literally in the millions. We estimate they’ll be a billion lost bags by 2024. Lost luggage makes up a vast majority of the Great Pacific Garbage Patch.” He leaned in an stage whispered, “because we throw the unchecked bags into the ocean.”
“Look around,” said luggage magnate as he swept his hand across his palatial estate. “All this because some guy on work release can’t look in a bag and then put it back on a conveyor belt.” He snapped his fingers and two butlers appeared, “Gary? Simon? I will keep only one of you on staff. You will find various weapons hidden around the compound. Annnnnnnnd… fight!”
The TSA also admitted to “losing planefuls of travelers”, “putting just one box of poison in airport vending machines to see how long it would take for someone to find it” and “just kinda goofing off. We’ve been infected with Senioritus and still have no cure.”
“So, in the end, nothing changes,” said a woman. “We all agree that we’ll be treated like cattle when traveling by plane, stripped of our dignity, and will roll the dice to see if we keep our stuff.” She let out a long sigh, adding, “the terrorists have won.”
New York, NY – Airports in New York and New Jersey are joining a growing chorus of complaints about the long wait times at airport security, saying TSA staffing isn’t keeping up with increased passenger traffic.
“We’re doing the best we can,” said a TSA officer. “Now step into this room so you can be punished for… I dunno, not obeying? Look, just do what I say or you’ll get beat. That’s how they treated us in prison so that’s how I’m gonna treat you. You talk trash about us you’ll get punished. That’s the American way.”
“It’s almost like they don’t care,” said a Congressman. “Granted, this is the first time I’m hearing about this.” He looked around his estate, adding, “but rest assured, I’ll get to it. I don’t need the people thinking Congress doesn’t work as fast as the TSA. And where is that girl with my ice tea?”
Complaints also hint “government might be inefficient”, “the world might not be peaceful” and “hints are the worst way to convey complaints.”
“You can’t do a thing!” yelled an airport executive. “You have no choice! You’re powerless against us! We’re literally going to take your money and treat you like garbage!” After a long cackle he added, “is what I’d say if no one were around. Thank God it’s just me in my dressing room. Alone.” He peeked under the table, adding, “crap.”
Atlanta, GA – Describing it as an “urgent safety issue,” the Federal Aviation Administration has ordered modifications on specific General Electric engines on some 787 Dreamliners because an icing problem could force those engines to shut down in flight.
“We sorta let a lot of stuff fly,” said an official. “I mean, you’re basically in a tin can full of disease with religious extremists trying to kill you, hoping that the air is warm and smooth so you don’t die.” He shook his head, adding, “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard, and I’m a high ranking official. Very high.”
“Ridiculous!” yelled an airline executive. “We can’t just fix things! That costs money! Unless.” He jotted down some notes, then announced, “fair hikes to cover the safety costs. And security costs! And fuel! And… eh, this is just off the top of my head, I’ll think of a dozen more. To the gold plated swimming pool filled with molten gold!”
The FAA also recommended “planes be regularly maintained”, “no one flies in a plane, as they are wildly unsafe” and “we accept our alien overlords as the absolute rules so we may gain knowledge of their technology to fight back over time. What? We’re in a dark room all day, it makes sense to us.”
“So is it safe?” asked a traveler. “Because you made it sound like it’s not. So if it’s not, why aren’t these planes getting fixed and new ones improved? Well, how do I know if they are or aren’t? So I’m just going to hope? What kind of strategy is that? Yeah, exactly.”
San Francisco, CA – Uber released its first ever transparency report detailing the information requested by not only US law enforcement agencies, but also by regulators.
“They have guns,” said a company spokesman. “So, no, we’re not going to tell them to ‘stick it.’ Next question? No, we don’t have guns, that’s why we disclosed everything. Any more questions? No, I don’t have a gun, why- oh, fine, here’s my wallet. Yeah, that’s on me.”
“Now we see how this evil corporation works,” said an Uber user. “Look at them, so evil and- oh, my car is here!” She got in, went quickly and safely to her destination, and paid a competitive rate that was less than using a local taxi service.
Federal regulators also asked Uber for “a blood sample”, “to take a quick Voight-Kampff test” and “count backwards from three thousand. Just to see if you guys can.”
“This is bull[expletive deleted]!” exclaimed a Lyft driver. “Why aren’t they regulating us? We’re not the MySpace to their Facebook. We’re not the Pepsi to their Coke. We’re not Gimbels to their Macy*s! It’s an old store that- I’m not sure really, but you get the point. We want to be regulated too! Please!”
“What does this mean for me, the average- oh,” said an average man. “Nothing at all? I mean, there has to be some consequence to- oh. Okay.”