US Has More Oil But Still Needs Methadone-Style Oil Treatment To Kick Oil Habit

Houston, TX – According to a new study the US holds more oil reserves than Saudi Arabia and Russia, the first time it has surpassed those held by the world’s biggest exporting nations.

“So we’ve won?” asked a car driver. “It doesn’t feel like we’ve won.” He looked at his hybrid car, adding, “is it because I’ve been robbed of my hunter instinct, the very thing that pushes me to want more and work harder, making myself and my country, great? Because that’s been long gone. Thanks a lot… umm, sorry, I shouldn’t blame. Shame on me.”

“But, you need us!” yelled a prince. “If you don’t buy our oil then you won’t turn a blind eye to our many, many, many, many, many, human rights violations and our many, many, many, many, many terrorist camps! Wait, that should be many to the fifth power, not five many’s.” He shrugged, adding, “what can I say?”

OPEC called the report “lies”, “you know what? We’re still in control of the market and we can crash the whole thing with a single sentence, so back the [expletive deleted] off” and “that’s right, it’s called mutually assured destruction and we’re that [expletive deleted]ing crazy! We’ll do it! Back off!”

“Fracking might have given us the edge, but all of our water is on fire,” said a local man. “Look!” After several hours of trying to light water on fire he added, “whatever. Like anyone follows up on anything.”

Men Deserve Pay For Extra Work, Which Is Documented By Unbiased Government Bureau But We’re Still Going To Argue Over It

Washington DC – According to the 2015 American Time Use Study by the US Bureau of Labor Statistics, employed men work an average of forty two minutes per day more than their female counterparts.

“That’s not right!” yelled a man. “We demand compensation for our work time! We should get paid a little bit more than a woman because we work a little bit- oh.” He looked at his pay stub, adding, “I guess we do. Well, unless you believe the trend Time reported on in 2010 where women get paid as much, or more, in the top two hundred US cities.” He turned back to his computer, adding, “oh well, back to work!”

“I’ve done as much Facebook research as one person can, and I am outraged!” yelled a woman. “We’re not getting paid as much and it’s not fair! I don’t have any numbers to compare, nor do I have any idea how these numbers are calculated, but I assure you we’re getting the short end of the stick! This other ‘report’ is a lie, probably by men! Come on, let’s keep being angry! We need to keep… I dunno why. Just do it!”

The Bureau also noted “men do help around the house”, “men aren’t inept fathers” and “men don’t just drink and beat their wives. Let’s give em a break, huh? Oh, we know that look. Oh boy.”

“At the end of the day, no one wants to see the solid numbers and the story it tells,” said a researcher with a black eye. “They just wanna be right, which- shhhhh. Was that the door? My wife’s home! Quick, run!”

Update: Heat Causes Fire

Fresno, CA – Officials say a searing heat wave is fueling at least a dozen wildfires across the West and has killed at least five people.

“Finally!” said a reporter. “Some deaths! We were all worried that no one was going to die from this heat. I mean, what’s the point unless we can yell about death?” He took a deep breath then yelled, “so many people are going to die! This is literally the best day of my life! Yes, above my children’s birth and my parent’s deaths! This doesn’t make me a horrible person!”

“I never knew that it could get so hot,” said an elderly man. “I’ve lived here my whole life and I’ve never experienced this. Unless… was it hot last year? Well, maybe I pass out every year from the heat and then forget. It could be a thing, right? Wait, who are you? Sure, you can have the money. Will you take a check?”

The Fire Department called the fire “hot”, “wild” and “are you seriously coming to us for a statement about fire? What do you think we can tell you that you don’t already know? And haven’t you considered the fact that you’re wasting our time with interviews when we could be fighting the fire? Yes, look down in shame. Shame.”

“That’s for the update, mister!” yelled a kid. “No, I’m being sarcastic, you stupid [expletive deleted]! Yeah, I do kiss my mom with this mouth. That’s one more girl you’ll never kiss, you [expletive deleted]ed [expletive deleted]!” He continued to say some very hurtful things, so we left.

Hot Hot Heat Causes An Arcade Fire Known As El Scorcho

Los Angeles, CA – An extreme heat wave will grip the southwestern United States through early week.

“We encourage everyone to stay inside and crank their air conditioners,” said a local official. “Until we have the inevitable power outage because we haven’t built a nuclear power plant since the 70s. Come on, people, they’re safe with power war tech so how could they not be safe with today’s tech. Huh, yeah, I guess removing them from the internet is the best failsafe out there. Huh? Yeah, way off course. Sorry.”

“This heat is oppressive!” yelled a protestor as she waved her ‘Don’t Heat On Me’ flag. “It’s time we stand up to the heat and…” She swayed, then collapsed. As other protestors tried to give her water she refused, citing the water company’s donations to political action committees that support a competing ideology.

Los Angeles officials also advise “be on the lookout for… everything. Yeah, we lost control again”, “watch out for officials. Those bastards will blow your money on the stupidest things and stiff press release writers” and “hey! We didn’t… well, just because it’s true doesn’t mean it has to be said. Okay, back to the release. Let’s see. Oh, right, here: I am a pervert. Wait a minute!”

“Yeah, that’s gonna happen,” said a sweaty man. “It’s the summer and Lord knows it gets hot in the summer. No, He does. Have you accepted Jesus- wait! Come back! I have to tell you how you’re doing it wrong! Stop!”

Devastating Earthquake Leaves Millions Unhurt, Unimpressed

Los Angeles, CA – Residents across Southern California were jarred awake early today by a five point one magnitude earthquake that rocked the region but left no significant damage.

“Wait a minute, wasn’t that [patio] chair over there?” asked a father as he pulled back the curtains in the family room. He fell to the floor and yelled, “no! When will it end? The senseless destruction- oh, waffles are ready?” He then padded into the kitchen and had waffles with his family.

“This is it! This is the big- oh, wait, it’s over,” said a USGS worker. “Man, why can’t we have the big one that destroys everything. Sure, society would collapse and millions would die, but we’d finally be right.” She stomped on the ground a few times, then whispered,” do it. Please. Let us be right.”

Residents in Northern California called the quake “a lie”, “the sole reason we identify as Northern even thought we’re in the same state and share a lot of the same verbal idiosyncrasies” and “yeah, we’re more focused on what brings us together than what tears us apart. We’re cool like that.”

“It’s a grim reminder of plate tectonics,” said Earth Science teacher Mr. Fulkerson. “Finals might be in a week, so let this be a lesson for all- no, Mr. Socha, the test won’t be canceled because of an earthquake. Rather, earthquakes will be on the test. Yes, groan all you want, but you’ll thank me in your adult life for all of this information. Probably.”

US Citizens Keep Dying And No One Knows Why

Washington DC – According to new federal data, the overall death rate ticked up in 2015 for the first time in many years.

“Why?” yelled a woman at her aunt’s funeral. “She was only eighty three! It’s not fair!” When we tried to express our condolences whilst pointing out that statistically she outpaced a lot of her peers, the distraught woman yelled, “I thought I said no press!”

“Oh, yeah,” said a federal data analyzer. “I wanted to do some new math stuff and it just didn’t work, so I spent the last five years re-doing the data from the first five years. Anyway, we’re all dying a lot more and damned if I know why.” He shrugged before falling down a set of stairs and dying.

Congress claimed “we can battle this with more education”, “if we start programs to keep people alive for just one more year, we could save hundreds of millions of lives” and “oh, so you don’t want to spend an extra trillion dollars to keep very old people alive slightly more? You’re a cold-hearted bastard! We’re gonna make that sort of thinking illegal! Death to all those opposed to death! No, you’ve gone too far! You have!”

“The best thing we can all do is stay calm,” said a man on the bus. “Shut up! Stay calm!” Turned out he was very high, a fact we discovered after he bolted from the bus yelling about horses and was hit by several cars.

Slightly Bigger Storm Could Ruin Your Carefully Planned Memorial Day

Tampa, FL – An area of showers and thunderstorms near the Bahamas has the potential to develop into a tropical storm and impact part of the East Coast of the United States during Memorial Day weekend.

“We might have slightly more rain than if this were a slightly less storm,” said a scientist as he looked a computer printout. “Also, we’re almost out of the paper with the holes on the side. Yes, it’s important, it makes us look like we’re doing so much with crappy tech. It’s called ‘gravitas,’ you schlub.”

“The odds that this is the apocalypse is negative seven to one,” said a meteorologist during the noon broadcast. “Yes, you heard me right, the coming of our Redeemer is neigh! Hold on, my floor manager just handed me a note… Okay, folks, this is my last broadcast, so I’d like to give my real feelings on Mexico!”

The Ancient Aliens called the storm “silly”, “why haven’t you moved into the ninth dimension?” and “forget it. Let’s just kill this little experiment with heat. Crank it up two degrees.”

“So yes, I think you’re stupid,” said a woman. “Well, let’s think about it. You’re worried that a storm, might turn into a little bigger storm, which, by the way, is what happens in that exact part of the world. And, let’s not forget, there was that boring guy who said we’d get a million hurricanes ten years ago and we’ve gotten a handful. So yes, I feel very confident in calling you a childish name. Very.”

More Things Cause Global Warming

Des Moines, IA – There may be another reason to discourage farmers from feeding antibiotics to livestock: global warming.

“We need to stop farmers!” yelled a government official. “No, not with laws or regulation, but with cash incentives to not do what they do! It’s the only was to enforce laws. Oh, also, sorry, this totally slipped my mind, we’re giving drug dealers fifty grand a week to stop dealing. Well, to self-report that they’re stopped dealing.”

“You ain’t tellin’ me what to do,” said a farmer. “We take whatever we want: water, money, and yes, your women folk.” He pointed to his barn, adding, “I got me most of them housewives from that there television. Granted, a few of em died when me and the missus went on vacation. Oh yeah, flights to Bermuda are cheap right now.”

The USDA called the finding “disgraceful”, “harmful” and “we’re going to say whatever we can to look like we were on this whole ‘global warming’ thing and… whatever, just don’t cut our funding. Yeah, Look at NASA, they spoke their minds and got [expletive deleted]ed. True story, look it up.”

“Didn’t that fat politician tell us that we were going to be underwater in ten years?” asked a teenager. She looked around, then added, “then he’s a fat [expletive deleted]ing liar who got filthy [expletive deleted]ing rich on a hoax he invented. How [expletive deleted]ed up is that? Yeah, well you’re a [expletive deleted]ing chump.”

Climate Change Stories Finally Revised To Fit Apocalyptic Narrative

Los Angeles, CA – A new project called Climate Feedback, run by a French scientist living in California, has critiqued climate change stories in the New York Times, Rolling Stone, the Telegraph, Forbes magazine, the Wall Street Journal and more.

“These stories are wrong,” said a climate change fan(atic). “They need to be more jarring, more extreme, and more dire. There’s hardly a human face in this story! Where are the distressed indigenous people who live on the coastline for thousands of generations? Where are the poor farmer or fisherman? Why aren’t more companies being villainized? Disgusting.”

“All I wanted to do was put a critical eye on the feverish claims from scientists who are changing data-” said a researcher seconds before the firing squad shot six bullets into his heart. He tried to finish his thought, but it was muted under the blood flowing from his mouth. As his body was dragged away, another researcher was placed in the chair and he yelled, “why not apply science to-”

Other websites include revising “the discovery of the Americas, where the natives kill the horrible explorers”, “the civil war where the Democrats win and keep slavery” and “websites, so everything conforms to our extreme view.”

“Isn’t the point of science to challenge things?” asked a child. “And, like, shouldn’t we just evaluate the facts and not some computer adjusted number? Isn’t it okay to say that things change slowly, and still make your argument that we’re messing with the planet? Wow, that’s a lot of noes.”

US Cities Grow At A Non-Alarming Rate

Washington DC – According to new US Census Bureau data released today, all but one of the nation’s twenty largest cities saw their population grow last year, with metropolises like Austin, Denver and Houston among those seeing the most significant growth.

“Oh, that’s right, we’re releasing six year old information like it’s new,” said a Census Bureau worker. “Oh, and this just in: people are moving around and settling in new areas. Home development is on the rise and looks to never stop! 2005 is the best year ever! Yes, that was sarcasm. And yes, we’re very aware of ourselves. Very.”

“Well ain’t that just a kick in the saddle,” said a country boy. “I thought there ain’t no more of them folks commin’ around here. Now it makes sense: gentrification and restructin’ urban centers for not only public use, but to enhance city culture and, by extension, that region’s economy.” He spat, then added, “damn.”

The Bureau also found “fifty of the nation’s largest cities are declining”, “a hundred of the nation’s largest city populations are remaining steady” and “two hundred of the nation’s largest cities exist. Yeah, we couldn’t process that much data in six years. Give us another thirty and we’ll have some mind-blowing stuff for you.”

“So?” asked a Chinese diplomat. “You have cities with people!” After a long pause he jumped up and yelled, “what does that have to do with our declaration of an all out trade war? How could you treat your people like that? Horrible!”