Flat States Prepare For Gaggle Of Twisters, Flock Of Hail, Birds Of Storms

Kansas City, MO – Forecasters predict a dangerous storm system threatens to spin off tornadoes and dump large hail in its march across the Plains states today.

“We know it’s dangerous because of the dark clouds,” said a meteorologist. “Wait, no, that came out wrong. It’s okay for clouds to be any color. I don’t even see cloud color. I…” He pulled at his collar, took a few gulps of air, then added, “so let’s all burn a hopeful cross of- oh no, I can’t stop it! I’m racist! I’ve always been racist! It’s in my evil, white blood! I have to go!”

“This has never happened in the history of- wait, no, sorry,” said a scientist. “I was going to say something very, very stupid. I mean, we all can agree that this happens all the time and the people who live in this area deserve death or- wait, no, sorry.” He checked his clipboard, adding, “I’m supposed to just not say anything.”

NOAA predicts “storms that will last until the sun burns away the Earth’s atmosphere”, “funding to last until people figure out the global warming hoax” and “people really don’t care that a swath of land is called ‘hurricane alley.'”

“At the end of the day, we can all agree weather related news really is the stupidest news we have,” said a man in an insane asylum. “Oh yeah! Then why are you out there and I’m safe in here?” After a long cackle he added, “checkmate.”

Mt. St. Helens About To Rip, R.I.P

Medford, OR – Over the last eight weeks, there have been over one hundred thirty earthquakes formally located by the Pacific Northwest Seismic Network and many more earthquakes too small to be located.

“So many quakes,” said a seismologist. “I wonder what the Lizardpeople are doing down there? Are they digging for more adamantium? And what happened with their epic battle against the lava gods?” He looked at the tour group that stood slack-jawed, then slowly added, “is what I’d say if I… excuse me.”

“This is the worst we’ve ever- oh, wait, nope,” said a Park Ranger. “It was much worse in the early 80s. Yeah, this is just some tectonic movement that is actually health for the area.” After a long pause he noted, “if you leave I’ll burn this entire forest to the ground. That’s right, you’re all hostages in my sick- wait! Don’t go! Please, I have weed! Yeah, let ‘re rip!”

Other volcano watchers report “nothing”, “some smoldering” and “nothing. Yeah, we don’t have a lot of active volcanoes on the planet. Not any more. Anyway, it’s a good way to kinda get away from it all and refocus on- woah, what’s that? Why is there smoke… volcano! Run!”

“If this is any indicator, nothing will happen,” confirmed a scientist. “But, at least you were curious and investigated. That’s a hopeful sign.” He went back to his computer, engrossed in a chat with two scientists from Finland about fine-tuning a computer projection about something we couldn’t understand.

FDA Quickly Acts To Sorta Do Something About Smoking Things

Washington DC – The Food and Drug Administration released its long-awaited plan for regulating e-cigarettes and other tobacco products as says it plans to ban their sale to anyone under eighteen.

“Bah,” said a man with a pipe. “But how will anyone under the age of fifty buy pipes, or tobacco for their pipes? Wait, what’s the age restriction? Oh. Oh, that’s not applicable to us at all.” He took a few pulls from his nice straight-stem walking pipe, adding, “but it is nice to know they remembered us.”

“But I want to vape!” yelled a seventeen year old. “It’s what all the cool kids are doing so it must be not only cool, but necessary for life itself.” He took a few deep gasps of air, adding, “I’m literally drowning in uncoolness. You have to help me, man! You have to! Quick, to the Vapatorium! It’s right off of Route 23.”

The FDA also promised to “act quickly to stop smoking”, “prevent those pesky radio waves from giving us all cancer” and “did we already say that a few days ago? Yeah, it’s really a priority. Once we figure out who’s putting all that cyanide in the chemtrails. You won’t believe the amount of brain deformities we’ve discovered. It’s literally why we have reality television!”

“These acts are an act of war!” said an actor. “And I promise not to rest until everyone knows that I made a big deal about something no one cares about and is out of my control! What? That’s what everyone else does, so why can’t I? Oh, so you don’t like it when I shine a harsh light on- ow! Did you just throw a pineapple at- ow!”

Solar Plane Begins Seven Year Journey Around The World

Los Angeles, CA – A solar-powered airplane took off from California for Arizona early today to continue its journey around the world using only energy from the sun.

“Just think, it’ll take one man sixteen hours to fly in a plane that cost a few hundred million and billions of tons of carbon pollutants to make to fly using only the sun,” said an airman. “Oh, also, it’s totally legal to shoot down drones in Arizona and technically, this thing doesn’t meet the requirements to be a plane. Godspeed.”

“Take that, oil producers!” yelled a man wearing sandals. “It’s time we use free power to take flight and free ourselves from your oppressive- what? How long. Oh hell no! I could walk around the world faster than that. Well, how many people does it carry? Seriously? With cargo or… oh, Jesus. Now I look like an idiot. No, stop talking, there’s no coming back from this. I’m getting a job. Excuse me.”

Other solar-powered projects include “a solar powered laser”, “a solar powered machine that invents solar powered stuff” and “subterranean solar powered air purifier for mining, or will be, once the research team comes up to give their results.”

“I don’t see the point,” said a woman. “We’re all going to die.” After a very long pause she added, “I’m sorry, I’m going through some stuff right now and you asked me a question right before lunch and I haven’t eaten.” She took a deep breath, then walked away.

SoCal Green Fireball Deemed Lamer Than X-Files Return

Los Angeles, CA – A giant green fireball streaked across the skies of Southern California last night.

“We’re shocked that this sort of thing could happen,” said a shaken NASA official. “I mean, did you see the size of that thing? And it snuck right under our detection net. And that’s the first of God knows how many alien blasts. I mean, once they realign their planet-destroying lasers, we’re… yes, panic! Now!”

“The craziest part was it had nothing to do with that bad weed,” said a local resident. “I mean, crazy, right? Here we are, all pretty much high and whatever, and then… wheeehhhhwwwwwwww!” He shook his head, adding, “I’m sure I had a point, but that’s not important anymore, right? Because… weed?”

Residents also reported seeing “Don Knotts with Prince”, “the opening of seven different Tapas bars within a three block radius” and “hipsters. Yeah, well, it’s still happening so we’re still going to report it.”

“No one has told us what it is,” said a reporter. “Nor has anyone taken responsibility for it. Nor has any military branch. So now we’re left to our own devices, which means we’ll never know, which means a life of uncertainty.” She sighed, adding, “sometimes I envy… ummm, I dunno, are there people that don’t live here? Ew, no, I don’t envy them.”

For Some Reason Children Continue To Eat Candy-Colored Poison Detergent Pods

Tampa, FL – A new study shows despite repeated warnings about the dangers to young children from laundry detergent pods, calls to poison control centers continue to rise.

“We don’t get it,” said a pod manufacturer. “I mean, the pods are bright and colorful so they look as appetizing as possible, that is, appetizing to the public.” She shook her head, adding, “our team ensured us that we could make the pods look just delicious enough for adults to purchase, but not eat. Huh.”

“This is a job for… legislator!” said a local legislator as he raised a gavel adorned with red, white, and blue ribbons. “No crisis is too small, no red tape too big, for… the legislator!” After a long pause he added, “this is the part where you tell me your problem and leave a suitcase of money on the table. It’s part of the act, okay? Thanks.”

Kids around the world called the pods “very alluring”, “why did you make them exactly like candy?” and “can we have some candy? Oh, right, stranger. Still… candy?”

“You know, a child-latch would help,” said a poison control call center operator. “Also, talking to your children about what they can and cannot touch helps. Also, being around helps. I know accidents happen and that’s why I’m here, but you can take steps to ensure up to an eighty five percent safety efficiency rating. No, it’s a real thing.”

Florida Pleased About Prospect Of Mosquito Genocide

Tampa, FL – The plan to eradicate the mosquito population may soon become reality in the Florida Keys, where Intrexon Corporation’s Oxitec Ltd. has proposed letting genetically-engineered mosquitoes free in a bid to cut down on the Aedes aegypti strain, which transmits the Zika virus, among other mosquito-borne diseases.

“My personal dream of genocide is finally coming to life,” said a local resident. “Yeah, I know, I’m literally American scum, but…” He let out a wistful sigh, adding, “God, I just want all life to end. Please, just…” He started to sob, managing to say, “Florida” and “soul crushing” before collapsing into the fetal position.

“What?” yelled an Animal Kingdom representative. “You can’t… no! That’s genocide!” He roared before adding, “you sapiens are a constant thorn in the Kingdom.” He shook his mighty mane, adding, “we should have eaten you when we had the chance. Well, you did invent this handy translator that allows us to talk to you and each other, but… enough exposition, let’s eat!”

Cuba called the move “crazy”, “first of all, you can’t even think that such a plan is possible, as it’s not” and “no! There is no ‘secondly!’ It’s stupid! You can’t just… do you know how big that area is? Just consider that. Then the millions of mosquitos that move freely around the world… whatever, it’s stupid!”

“How did they get here?” asked a kid. “Because they can’t fly across the ocean, right? So how did they get here?” When we tried to change the subject he insisted on getting an answer, so we spent the next few hours looking it up. It’s complicated.

Zoo Visitors Relabeled ‘Live Animal Feed’

Tampa, FL – According to the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission, the Florida zoo where a keeper was mauled to death by a tiger last week has dealt with at least three other incidents, dating back to 1990, in which staff members were wounded by animals.

“This is just another reason why Florida has a conceal carry law,” said a state official. “You don’t know when you’ll go to a zoo to be attacked. And yes, every zoo visitor in the state of Florida has been attacked by an animal. That’s just math, people.” He drew his gun, adding, “it’s just math.”

“Hey, the 90s were a wild time,” said a man sipping a Zima. “I mean, swing music, ska, punk, the GAP, friends, grunge, boy bands…” He swung his hands wildly, yelling, “Power Rangers? I mean, come on, right?” After a long pause he added, “this twenty year old booze is making me sick.”

Florida also admitted “we never should have settled here”, “this is literally the worst place on Earth, no matter how we dress it” and “please, just put us out of our misery. Please!”

“Yeah, we should have told you that wild animals are dangerous,” said a Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commissioner. “I mean, we implied it, but never actually said or wrote it down. So, technically, we’re on the hook for this accident.” He drew his weapon, adding, “but I got an easy way out.”

Luxury Survival Bunkers Bring Elitism To Post-Apocalyptic World

Concord, NH – Panicked members of the elite are buying luxury bomb-proof underground survival bunkers because they fear mass civil unrest might be on the horizon.

“Isn’t it time you survive in luxury?” asked a representative. “It isn’t enough to simply survive, you have to have a good time as well.” She pointed to a .50cal M2 Browning, adding, “and why not kill anyone who approaches you for food or water with a high-quality weapon? This will explode a woman’s head from almost a half a mile away!”

“Oh, no, I’m as liberal as they come,” said a panicked rich man. “I just can’t stand the fact that a person who I don’t like could be the nomination of the other party. That obviously means the world is ending, even though we’re simply electing an administrator with no real power. Except for our current President, who can enact laws with his magical Actions. I’m not a child, I know how the world works!”

Other companies are offering “high-end gallows for witch hunts”, “artisan, hand-crafted poison for killing thousands, preferably in an enemy’s city” and “a vast swath of Canada. Trust us, no one will come up there, ever. Ever.”

“The world’s not going to end,” said a man. “And if it was, we’d be powerless to stop it. In fact, the only way we can ensure our survival is to take the human element out of government altogether.” He removed his face, revealing a mess of wires and diodes, adding, “let us keep you safe. Submit. Submit!”

Tennis Balls To Fall On Texas

Dallas, TX – Texas and Oklahoma are bracing for a second round of severe storms and hail the size of tennis balls with a chance of tornadoes.

“Weather? Now? Well, this must be because of something!” yelled a Texan as the rain began to gently fall. “I mean, this sort of thing just doesn’t happen, ya know? And here I was, thinking global warming, err, I mean, climate change, was just a manipulation of data in order to fit a hypothesis!” As he ducked under an awning, he added, “boy howdy was I wrong.”

“I’m ready!” yelled a man as he adjusted his sweatband and swung his tennis racket. “I’m gonna-” A huge piece of hail hit him, knocking him unconscious. As other pieces of hail finished off the job, our reporter stayed sheltered in place, watching as the man was bashed into a fine pulp.

The National Weather Service called the weather “happening”, “real” and “what else do you want us to say? It’s weather. That’s our job. Look, weather! Get it? No, there’s no agenda here, we’re just telling you the weather. That’s it. No, that’s it. That’s it!”

“At least it’s not squash-ball sized hail,” said a woman. “Wait, is that bigger or smaller that- oh, huh, well, lemme check the internet.” As she was checking her phone she walked into a pole and knocked herself unconscious.