Kansas City, MO – Forecasters predict a dangerous storm system threatens to spin off tornadoes and dump large hail in its march across the Plains states today.
“We know it’s dangerous because of the dark clouds,” said a meteorologist. “Wait, no, that came out wrong. It’s okay for clouds to be any color. I don’t even see cloud color. I…” He pulled at his collar, took a few gulps of air, then added, “so let’s all burn a hopeful cross of- oh no, I can’t stop it! I’m racist! I’ve always been racist! It’s in my evil, white blood! I have to go!”
“This has never happened in the history of- wait, no, sorry,” said a scientist. “I was going to say something very, very stupid. I mean, we all can agree that this happens all the time and the people who live in this area deserve death or- wait, no, sorry.” He checked his clipboard, adding, “I’m supposed to just not say anything.”
NOAA predicts “storms that will last until the sun burns away the Earth’s atmosphere”, “funding to last until people figure out the global warming hoax” and “people really don’t care that a swath of land is called ‘hurricane alley.'”
“At the end of the day, we can all agree weather related news really is the stupidest news we have,” said a man in an insane asylum. “Oh yeah! Then why are you out there and I’m safe in here?” After a long cackle he added, “checkmate.”