Los Angeles, CA – A secret Iranian military document reveals a plan to attack the US electrical grid with an electromagnetic pulse.
“This way, we can take the city intact,” said an Iranian ‘diplomat.’ “You understand, yes? Your people will riot, yes, and many thousands will die, but once the executions begin, you will be helpless, yes? Gun laws in California say no guns, no? So then you’re done, yes? Yes.” He drew his weapon, adding, “you’re my prisoner now, yes? Good.”
“We gotta stop telling people we’re intercepting secret memos,” said a high-ranking CIA agent. “Then again, I shouldn’t be giving the press interviews in one of our underground, secret jails.” He pointed to a few prisoners, adding, “and I shouldn’t let you see these guys or tell you their execution dates. Tomorrow, by the way. Turns out they really were tourists and not spies. Go figure, right?”
The Iranians also plan to “blow up a volcano and blacken the skies of America”, “destroy the San Andreas fault and drop California into the ocean” and “cut off Florida and float it out to sea.”
“Can I make an EMP?” asked a MIT student. “Yes. Should I? Probably not. Are the plans available on-line? You bet they are. So are we safe? No. Not at all.” He shook his head and whispered, “not at all.”
London, UK – It’s been seven years and millions of dollars in the making, but the colossal report on Britain’s role in the Iraq war will finally be published tomorrow.
“Spoiler alert: we shouldn’t have gone,” said an English official. “Also, double spoiler alert: we shouldn’t have spent millions of dollars and seven years to determine we shouldn’t have gone. And, of course, triple spoiler alert: we’re going to need more money to investigate if this finding was a waste, spoiler alert: yes, spoiler alert: of course.”
“Our minds are made up,” said an Iraqi official. “You shouldn’t invade. Please use your time machine and fix this.” After a very long pause he added, “you don’t have a time machine, do you? Ah, then you were right to imply that you did have one so we would give up. Well played, Americans, well played.”
The Brits also intend to “figure out if Brexit was good by 2055”, “assess if having an empire was beneficial by 2299” and “discover if space is ‘real’ by the year 68,000. Yes, we should totally know by then. No, we’re not joking.”
“Does it matter?” asked a person. “We’ve already spent the money. We’ve already killed the people. The people have already rioted and destroyed their things. We’ve killed more of them and they’ve killed some of us. So why does it matter? No, future generations will have knee-jerk reactions to other things and not care about this reaction. Whatever.”
Cairo, Egypt – Ancient mines, once an important source of minerals during the heydays of the ancient Roman and Egyptian civilizations, are now used as a guide in the search for new sources of gold in Egypt’s eastern desert.
“Look, I’m not gonna lie, we totally lost a lot of money,” said an Egyptian official. “But, the good news is, we can mine out more money and spend it on… oh, let’s not lie, on us. The government needs money to pay the government which will pass more laws to spend money. It’s a sick cycle, but it’s important for… oh, I’m not gonna lie.”
“Why didn’t we think of this?” asked a White House official. “We did? And how did it go? Environmental reports? Wait, impact statements? Is this really- so we’re not even going to- wow. But what about stopping our dependence on foreign- oh. Okay, yeah, you win. You’re obviously yelling because you represent a majority of how people feel. Sorry.”
Egyptian government also plans to “build big temples to neglected gods who will help us with city management”, “give daily tours across the river Duat” and “start the hashtag SaveEgypt. Should bring in a few billion. Yeah, Patreon is a good idea too.”
“Yeah, that won’t work,” said the ruler of a small African country. “No matter how many rare elements you find, you’re still going to be poor. Mostly because it’s tough to more people’s mindsets. It takes generations, and even then- hold on, someone’s at the palace doors. Who? Oh, you’re saying coup. God it.”
Istanbul, Turkey – The nation’s president said women who choose careers over motherhood are trailblazers in some parts of the world, but in Turkey they’re “deficient.”
“To clarify, we’re simply saying women are stupidheads,” said a Turkish minister. “You looked shocked, but that’s because you are woman, no? Oh, so you’re transitioning to be woman? Then why your muscles gone and you have soft face?” He stood, adding, “I get you tissue for crying time, no? Good.”
“I’m outraged!” yelled a woman. “I’m going to protest! I’m taking to social media and starting a hashtag!” Funny enough, her outrage spread like a virus, infecting millions who really didn’t know the whole story or care to look it up. Pressure then mounted on representatives, who then talked to Congress, who is currently working on a non-binding resolution to denounce the statement.
Turkish officials also said “minorities are great, except in Turkey”, “rights are awesome, except in Turkey” and “life is great, except in… just kidding, it’s the best! As long as you’re in the political class. Sit on it! Do people still say… oh.”
“Yeah, it was a gaff,” said a political analyst. “But will it define his presidency or the country? Probably not. I mean, I might be talking myself out of a job, but most of what these guys say has no meaning. They’re just speaking off the cuff and- hey, why are you rolling me out- oh, right, I’m just a superfluous. Bye!”
Paris, France – The world gets a little smaller tomorrow with the unveiling of the longest and deepest railway tunnel ever constructed, which is being called a feat of engineering under the Alps that will slash journey times across Europe.
“Now I can finally get to Switzerland to, you know, be in… Switzerland,” said a French man. “There’s gotta be some reason I would go to Switzerland, right? We wouldn’t just dig a massive tunnel from one crappy part of Europe to a colder, crappier part of Europe for no reason at all, right?”
“That’s pretty cool,” said a pilot as he powered up the engines of his Boeing 767. “People will be able to get to some other place in slightly less time than driving. If only there was a super fast way of getting around.” He patted the yoke, adding, “oh well.”
The European Channel Tunnel Commission called the opening “a slap in our faces”, “gives a whole meaning to that Krafwerk song” and “no! We won’t get distracted by 70s synth pop! Damn you, Earunnel! That’s what we’re calling it, right? Earth tunnel equals Earunnel? Then it’s even stupider than we originally thought!”
“I’m glad their finally unveiling it,” said a local man. “Because most of us can’t find it. You have no idea how many times we’ve tried to drive through a tunnel and it was just painted on the side of the mountain. Yeah, it’s funny until it happens to you.”
Baghdad, Iraq – Cheating has gotten so out of hand in Iraq that officials are blocking the Internet nationwide to prevent students from accessing leaked exam answers via Facebook.
“Okay, so we’ll just Skype with NATO and confirm they’ll help us fight ISIS and secure our country one and for… hold on, just waiting to connect,” said a high-level Iraqi official to the council of elders. “Just another second, guys. No, don’t leave, it’s just a formality and then we’ll.. I don’t know why it’s not… where is Tim from IT? Is Tim here? Can someone find Tim, we’re not getting internet- Tim?”
“Cheating is all we know,” said an Iraqi. “After all, we are an uncivilized people that could only be controlled by a ruthless dictator.” After a very long sip of tea he added, “is that what you think of us? Well, maybe you Americans should rethink Iraq, no?” He then pulled a knife, adding, “also, hand over your wallet.”
School officials called the cheating “out of hand”, “super out of hand” and “unhandily the handedly out of hand any hand has ever handed. No, we don’t have to explain that. Fine, we stole that line from somewhere. Who cares! We’re free!”
“Is that a reason to shut down communication between millions of people?” asked a White House insider. “Because that seems like the perfect way to stop our naysayers from disrupting our rule.” He nodded to a man who ran out of the room, then added, “then it is done. We now have complete control. Hope.”
Brasília, Brazil – Brazilian President Rousseff bowed out defiantly today, suspended from office after the Senate voted to put her on trial for breaking budget laws in a historic decision brought on by a deep recession and a corruption scandal.
“It’s time we get new leadership in here!” yelled a Brazilian representative. “So let’s oust this lady and put in some guy who’s tied to a lot of corruption things! I don’t have time to think or explain myself! To the ousting room! Yes, Romero, to oust. What else would we- ew, really? Why would you eat your lunch there? I know it’s a big table, but that’s for ousting. Jesus, dude, that’s messed up.”
“Now is our time to strike!” said a general of the Suriname army. “Come, men, let us take back our lands! Is that it? What, like, seven? And stop saying we’re the Rhode Island of South America! That’s not accurate! We have almost two percent more land mass and almost ten thousand more residents! Now, to arms! Guys? Yes, I’m still talking! What kind of- to arms!”
The Brazilian Senate called the coup “a bloodless coup”, “a very unsexy dance of death” and “the third worst Thursday of this year. Yeah, can you believe we’re in May already? Crazy, right?”
“So everything’s fixed,” said a local. “Now we can go back to killing Olympic tourists, ignoring the outbreak of a horrible virus, and enjoying soccer, a sport where ten guys chase a ball and one guy stands by a net and yells. Life is grand.”
Moscow, Russia – President Vladimir Putin signed a law this month granting two and a half acres of land to any Russian citizen who wants it.
“We’ve been blessed!” said a Russian official. “So here’s some free land. No, it’s not a trick. Take some free- trust me, brother, it’s not a trick. Here’s the contract, it’s very simple, you- no, there is no catch. Work the land for five years and it’s yours. No, it’s not full of land mines or radioactive bears. Take the land, please, and- take it or we’ll kill you. That’s better.”
“Oh no, we’d never do that,” said a Congressman. “Unless it’s to give away land to a company that’s reached the Angel tier of ‘donations.’ And yes, donations should be in massive air quotes. I mean, like, seventy five foot tall air quotes. In bold. Vibrating so it makes a sound that you can’t help but to look up and wonder, ‘how is it making that sound?’ sort of sound. Anyway, thank you for your support.”
Russia is also considering “giving back the remains or ashes of the millions of political dissidents killed in the past six years”, “opening up a few Wawas” and “seeing if this whole ‘being nice’ thing could be used for evil.”
“And that’s why I’m voting for the Socialist!” said a voter. “Because he promised to give us all land! What? Where? Oh no. No, no, no. Jesus, no!” She fell to the ground and screamed, “what have I done? Dear God, what have I done?”
Brasília, Brazil – Local soccer great Rivaldo is telling tourists to stay away from the Olympics in Rio de Janeiro because of the danger of endemic violence.
“That’s a lie,” said an Olympic Committee member. “We picked Rio because it was really, really safe.” After a very long pause he quickly mumbled, “and they gave us a truck full of money.” When pressed as to what he said, he yelled, “I have a problem with lying, okay? I always tell the truth!” He then mumbled, “you’re all going to die. Don’t come.”
“Come on,” said a local thug. “This is our time to shine. Don’t take it away from us.” He flipped open a knife, adding, “you might say we’ve been training for this our whole lives. This is our mugging/stabbing Olympics and I’m going for gold!” He stood and lunged at our reporter, missed, and fell to the ground. Several street urchins rushed to help, stabilizing his head and taking him to get a CAT scan.
The Olympic Committee noted “as long as you stay inside a stadium you’ll be fine”, “as long as you buy Olympic sanctioned goods, you’ll be fine” and “disobey and you die. Also, you’ll be fine.”
“If there’s one class of people to trust, it’s soccer stars,” said a local. “They have all the money, so they’re not afraid to tell the truth. No, I’m being serious. Is that how your culture is? All sarcasm and no substance? That’s shameful.” He went back to stacking piles of dead fish, adding, “you barbarians.”
Moscow, Russia – Russia is preparing to test-fire a nuclear weapon dubbed the “Satan 2” missile which is so powerful it could reportedly destroy a whole country in seconds.
“We aren’t worried,” said a White House official. “This won’t happen on our watch, so it won’t taint our legacy, which is the real issue here.” Over the shouts of reporters he added, “now you just shut up and do what we say, and you won’t be shamed and/or be called names. Yes, that’s our only power, but since everyone believes… that’s better.”
“Now you see that we are both powerful and crazy,” said a Russian diplomat. “So bring back Firefly. I don’t care if he’s on another hit show, we will destroy the Earth unless you reunite the lovable losers of the ‘verse. Now!” He banged his fists on the table and repeated, “destroy the Earth!”
Russia also announced they have “a way to make the moon smash into anything”, “a way to blow up the sun” and “a black hole machine capable of creating a massive distortion in time and space that would eat the known universe. But we’re still very rational and a nation of peace.”
“So we could die at any moment?” asked a twenty something. “Even without Russia? Oh, man, I did not think of that.” He went back to playing a violent video game, noting that life was too precious to waste and he should totally buy the expansion pack with new downloadable content.