India Runs Out Of Water

Paris, France – India’s killer heatwave is leaving the country reeling from the worst drought in decades and a rural population struggling to survive.

“No, we’re all fine,” said an Indian man. “I mean, we always have water problems, but it’s no different than other summers.” He cocked his head and asked, “are you just projecting your water woes on us? And aren’t you water problems in your Californias self-imposed? Oh, I read you wouldn’t kill a few fish so millions don’t have water. Well, then why do you believe what you read about us?”

“Global warming is killing us all,” said a woman. “And that’s the proof.” She waved her hands, adding, “I don’t have time to actually follow up on research or whatever. That’s your job as reporters, to read it all and then tell me.” She leaned in close, adding, “I’m trusting you. Please, don’t hurt me.”

Pakistan called the news “alarming”, “we could be next” and “this is literally the opening we need. Oh no, not to invade, to engage our enemies with trade and assistance. Dude, we’ve been trying to reach out for, like, forever. NATO and all those jerks keep hanging up on us. That’s why we got the bomb, to get some respect.”

“It’s a shame we can’t just find water somewhere,” said a woman. “Or find a way to use the water we have. Or get water from a place we haven’t gotten it before. Oh, no, I don’t have any suggestions, I was just talking. It’s nice to- oh, okay, bye.”

All Of Canada On Fire

Vancouver, Canada – There was a chance of rain in the forecast for the fire-ravaged Canadian oil city of Fort McMurray, but a deluge was needed to stop the intense wildfire that has already forced some eighty eight thousand people to evacuate and consumed more than sixteen hundred homes and buildings.

“I saw the news, are you okay?” asked Michigan State sophomore Mark Whitcome’s mother, Marilou, during their weekly call. “I know Michigan is right by Canada and there’s a billion acre wildfire that’s killing millions. No, I know you’re fine, I’m talking to you. We’re just worried- hold on, your father wants to- no, you have to call me to join the call. No, you have to call me. No, call- hello?”

“The speculation that we’re burning the entire north to stop the White Walkers is ridiculous!” yelled a Canadian official as he drew his broadsword. “Everyone knows we can also win with our Valyrian steel.” He looked at the international press corp, adding, “I’m assuming everyone’s caught up? Finland? Oh, you gotta get on board.”

The Mexican Fire Authority called the blaze “beautiful”, “we just let our fires burn, so our perspective is a little different than yours” and “mocking us only makes us stronger. Well, ‘us’ is a relative term as well. This is all relative and subjective. Look, can we just chill and not- whatever.”

“It’s crazy,” said an onlooker. “This is a real tragedy. Where can I donate to help- https://donate.redcross.ca/ea-action/action?&ea.client.id=1951&ea.campaign.id=50639 is the link? Cool.”

Brazil Stops Messaging Service, Crippling Economy For Another Eleven Years

Rio de Janeiro – A judge in Brazil has once again ordered a temporary block on the popular messaging app WhatsApp in response to the company’s refusal to turn over data in a criminal investigation.

“We have to stop people from talking, because then they will know the truth,” said a Brazilian official. “About what? Oh, boy, where do I start? Aliens? Lizardpeople? The drugs we use to keep them under control? Nah, we won’t be telling any of those secrets. At least they’re still using the messaging program that allows us to track them. Wait, did we just disable that? Damn it, release more chemtrails!”

“It’s our right to protect our consumers,” insisted an app executive. “After all, those are the fundamental rights that Brazil was founded-” As police burst into his office, flipped over his desk, and beat him, he managed to yell, “I’m the youngest executive to stand up to…” before slipping into a coma.

Brazilian judges also stopped “all salsa dancing until Salsa v. Brazil is resolved”, “all excitement over the Olympics until the appropriate bribes have been delivered” and “any bathing suit that covers more than five percent of the body.”

“Sure, that stops people from texting, but what about the criminals?” asked a local. “What happens to- they’re standing right behind me, aren’t they?” As he was dragged into a nondescript van he yelled, “tell my wife I love her!”

Again, For The Millionth Time: Don’t Go To North Korea

Seoul, South Korea – A North Korean official reported his country has sentenced a South Korean-born American citizen to ten years of hard labor for subversion and espionage.

“So is he South Korean or American?” asked a US State Department official. “I’m sorry, but this is too confusing. Can’t we just say we’re improving our image and not do anything. I mean, come on, like anyone’s going to take us seriously outside of the EU. Also, can you stop using the word ‘threat’ all the time? It’s harshing my buzz.”

“Why would anyone go to North Korea?” asked a North Korean. “Wait, where am I?” She looked around the dreary landscape, littered with bodies, burning buildings, and literal demons feasting on the souls of citizens begging for the sweet release of death, then added, “shhhhhh, right, North Korea. I wonder how many spikes the whips in South Korea have.”

The World Court called the sentencing “well within the guidelines”, “anyone can do whatever they want, unless it’s the US, who must be punished for their success” and “oh yeah? We’re on the nose? How about you’re on the nose! Death! Death to you all!”

“Yeah,” said a teen in Texas. “I don’t think I’m ever going to go to North Korea, nor would I want to. I kinda sucks, right? And if I go to help they’ll jail me, right? So, like, I pay tax and stuff when I work, so, like, aren’t I paying the government to, you know, do something?”

Venezuela Really Doesn’t Want To Work, Wants To Bang On The Drums All Day

Caracas, Venezuela – Venezuela’s President decided last night to shorten the work week to two days in an effort to save energy and electricity.

“That’s enough for the week,” said a Venezuelan official as he kicked his feet up on the desk. “Now, let us prepare for a ‘The Purge’ style existence for the next five days.” After shooting several people on his staff, he asked the survivors, “please prepare a fire so we might eat.”

“Should have gone into cocaine,” said a Columbian official as he waterskied on gold skis pulled by a gem-encrusted platinum boat full of giggling college girls in bikinis. “This is what success looks like. Thank you, MTV Spring Break, for giving me something to shoot for. Here, have a few billion dollars for the trip home.”

The UN called the crisis “out of the blue”, “who would have though a socialist society could fail? The government is in charge, so how could it?” and “no, we have to believe bureaucracy is the answer. Or, we’ve just wasted decades on non-binding resolutions and- oh dear God. Have we… no!”

“Does anyone get any work done?” asked a union rep. “Because it sounds like a dream.” After a long, wistful sigh, he looked at his watch, adding, “well, time for my break. Hey, you gonna hassle me about my break? Strike! Strike!”

Europe Conquers Moon

Space – The European Space Agency is pressing forward in its plans to set up a permanent human outpost on the moon.

“But… what about us?” asked a NASA official. “Can’t we… I mean, shouldn’t we…” He looked around the almost empty control center, adding, “weren’t we the first and… it’s not fair!” He stomped on the ground and then walked out in a huff. He quickly returned, grabbed his jacket, then left again.

“Finally, we’ll have a moon base that will be a socialist paradise,” said a socialist. “And as long as someone does everything for me and takes away all my decisions, I’ll…” He choked on his own tongue and died, his family quickly suing the state for not telling the deceased to not swallow his own tongue and won millions.

The EU also declared “Antartica is ours”, “Florida is ours” and “you know all those little islands coming out of Alaska? Ours. Sorry, but if you guys aren’t going to take em, we are. Hey, we didn’t make the rules. In fact, we’re pretty sure you made the rules. Sucks that you suck now. Oh no, we heard your President: you suck.”

“So yes, this will change your quality of life,” said a Presidential candidate. “Which is why you should vote for me, cause I’ll do something about this.” He then waved to the crowd and drove off. This has little to do with the story, but it’s worth mentioning anyway, as politics should be crowbarred into every news story.

Russian Jets Trolling US Ships

Paris, France – According to Western analysts, a series of extremely low passes by two Russian jets over a US destroyer this week was a dangerous example of brinkmanship by Moscow in what has become an increasingly worrying trend.

“We’ve done nothing but fly our planes dangerously close to your ships,” said a Russian official. “If anything, we’ve learned how easy it would be to sneak attack you and cripple your navy in less than an hour.” He shrugged, adding, “and everyone thought hacking your military system would be the way to go.”

“Well, technically, I’m not an analyst, so I’m not worried,” said a non-analyst. “I mean, the cold sweats, the shortness of breath, the panic, the high-pitched voice, the-” He collapsed, hugging his knees, whispering, “we’re all dead” over and over. Even after repeated slaps, he kept up the mantra.

The UN called the flybys “totally legal”, “wait, illegal, illegal!” and “damn it. Why did we enact the rule that the first thing we say is the thing that sticks? Why? Oh, was that the first thing we said, and then we changed our minds? Yeah, that sounds about right.”

“Please, we just want to improve our image,” said a White House official. “Why won’t you love us for who we are: a bunch of lovable dreamers who want to change the world? What? You can’t rob us over a conference call? That’s- fine. We’ll mail you our wallets. Come on, guys, hand them over.”

South Korea Realizes It Could Get Attacked From Neighbor North Korea

Seoul, South Korea – South Korea has determined that North Korea is capable of mounting a nuclear warhead on its medium-range Rodong ballistic missile, which could reach all of the South and most of Japan.

“Wait a minute,” said a high-ranking South Korean official as he looked at a map. “Are you telling me the North Korea we’ve been hearing so much about is literally just above us? The crazy dude with the nukes? He’s right there? Literally, a few kilometers away?” He shook his head, adding, “why hasn’t anyone told us? This is disastrous! They’re going to kill us all! Guys! Why aren’t we doing anything?” After standing around for a few more minutes he shrugged and got lunch.

“Oh, we’re well aware of the threat,” said a Japanese man. “It sorta turns us on.” After a very long pause he added, “aren’t you going to ask us why it- oh, okay. Is the interview over? Because I’d like to justify all sorts of fringe- okay. Good day to you as well.”

The UN called the realization “the third worst thing to happen this week”, “no one’s talked about the Syrian thing yet? Oh, good” and “you know most of the world’s leaders are taking untold trillions from the economy and using it for themselves, right? And no one’s mad or- hey, if you’re not mad, we’re not mad.”

“The real worry is if someone provides them with more technology that could allow them to strike at many nations at once,” said a Chinese official. “So, yes, I’d like you to pick up the lunch tab. Thank you.”

Spain Scrubs Siesta

Barcelona, Spain – The Spanish Prime Minister has announced moves to cut the working day by two hours and bring an end to the siesta, in an attempt to bring the country into line with its European counterparts.

“It’s time we bring our country up to the EU standard of working for four hours a day for four days a week,” said a Spanish official. “Then we can be just as productive.” After a long eye-roll he noted, “well, as productive as we can be with spending most of our money on keeping these babies tired and happy. Right? Socialism, right?”

“We’re not some lazy, back-country no-nothing that… hold that thought,” said a local shopkeep as he leaned back in his chair and fell asleep. In the interest of full disclosure, we robbed him blind, only to find the state reimbursed him for his loss as well as gave him a bonus for “good sleepin’.”

Spain is also considering cutting “all bull-related sport”, “finally eating Portugal” and “finding that Armada. What ever happened to it? The Inquisition took it? It makes sense, as all of those things start with Spanish- wait, to make rice? You gotta be kidding us!”

“This sounds silly, but economists predict ending the siesta could boost productivity almost eleven hundred percent,” said an economist. “They could have an industrial revolution! Discover coal! Machinery! It’d be a game changer. Well, for them. And, if they get out of line, we could always nuke them. What? I thought that’s what we were all thinking, right? Right? Whew, you almost had me there!”

Global Leaders Befuddled By Nukes

Washington DC – Global leaders are meeting in Washington to unite against the threat of nuclear weapons around the world.

“These nations must be stopped before it’s too late!” yelled a White House official. “We need to prosecute these barbarians in the World Court and topple their oppressive regimes! These bastards have weapons that could destroy the world and no one told us! This is insane! We need to do something, now!” After a long pause he added, “hope? Should we all… great!”

“That’s like the NFL condemning violent sports,” said a commentator. “That’s like China organizing a human rights watch. That’s like- no, you always have to do three. No, two is… no, three. It has to be- no. It- fine. Two! Happy?” After a short pause he yelled, “that’s like Canada creating an army!” and ran out.

The Center For Nukes and Nuking called the talks “insane”, “that’s the last thing we want. Granted, we’re kinda the wild card in this whole thing” and “oh yes, for forty years. Yeah, one of those funding things that just gets glazed over. Anyway.”

“It’s about six decades too late,” said another world leader. “Now we’re worried that rogue groups or terrorists cells get a hold of nukes, but we’re still talking about nuclear proliferation, which means we’ll discuss the current matter around 2075.” After a long pause he added, “when we’re all dead. So no, it’s isn’t a good Friday.”