CDC Still Upset Teen Smoking Is Down

Atlanta, GA – The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention claim just eleven percent of high school students said they currently smoked in 2015.

“I know we’ve been complaining about this since last week, but it bears repeating,” said a CDC official. “Most kids need to smoke or we’re going to be out of a job!” He looked around nervously before adding, “it’s our job to prey on the sick and stupid. Come on, guys, throw us a bone, okay? Here, the first pack is on us. Take it!”

“Yeah, I don’t smoke,” said a vaper. “I vape. You dig? What do you mean ‘kids don’t say, ‘you dig?” I’m a kid and I smoke the vape, okay?” He tore off his mask and yelled, “fine! You got me! Elders for smokers unite!” then ran off with no further explanation. Having little to no time to meet the deadline for this article, we have no way of explaining this very bizarre encounter and will leave it up to your imagination.

The CDC expressed concern that “not enough people are eating carcinogens”, “we need more toddlers playing with bare electrical wires” and “where’s all the drinking and driving? Damn it, people, you’re not living unless you’re taking unnecessary and easily preventable risks!”

“Thank God drug use is still up,” said a local dealer. “Or we’d both have a problem.” Without getting too much into it, he was right. Painfully, painfully correct.