Cell Phones Linked To Cancer For The Cancerous Amount Of Time

New York, NY – Initial findings from a massive federal study suggest that radio-frequency radiation, the type emitted by cellphones, can cause cancer.

“That’s a lie!” yelled a cell phone executive. “You’re not supposed to know this until fifty or sixty years later when you develop hundreds of different types of brain cancer all at once and die in a horrifically painful manner befitting only murderers and rapists. So… lies!”

“Yeah, that’s why we spent an extra seven cents for this RF shield,” said a classic video game console developer. “Seriously, we knew this in the 80s.” He looked around the room, adding, “seriously, right? Guys. Oh, right, no one cares. Yeah, I wasted my life.”

The American Carrier Pigeon Association called the research “validating”, “we must return to a simpler time when people could communicate with thingy duh mishmosy” and “sorry, a lot of us have some weird bird disease that jumped to humans. It’s not as flehberly as we quargadibe tarmeemmemememefffffff.”

“Who’s talking on the phone?” asked a teen. “Ew, stalker much?” We had to ask around to confirm that meant what we thought it meant, then talk to our lawyers to make sure everyone understood we weren’t stalking teenagers, then had to reply to a whole bunch of posts questioning our sexuality and motives on the internet. It was very tiring and we’ve learned our lesson: the younger generation needs to be drafted.