Chimp Rampage Thwarted By Police

Las Vegas, NV – Two chimpanzees escaped a Las Vegas backyard yesterday, with at least one of them jumping on a police car before officers killed one primate and tranquilized the other.

“How many times do we need to tell you?” shouted a city official. “Stop buying exotic pets with your winnings. You have a ton of money? Great! Make more of it by gambling! Come on, people, think it through!” He threw a handful of tickets at some bystanders and added, “half off on the buffet. Hold on, ma’am, it’s not kid friendly.”

“Well, that’s no way to treat a fellow primate,” signed Charlie, a chimpanzee at the San Diego Zoo. “One Beaker gets his law degree, those officers and the city will be held personally responsible for these egregious- oh! Cereal! Guys! Cereal time!”

The American Society For Tranquilizers called the action “kinda weird, man”, “dude, you have all those tranks, right? So just, like, have some and relax already” and “dude, shhhh. Dude? Shhhhhh, have some- dude. Shhhhh.”

“Great, now I gotta be on the lookout for renegade chimps as well?” said a man walking down the Strip. “Can this week get any worse? I mean, it’s incredibly hot, I lost all the money I brought for the week in the first ten minutes, and I’m staying at Circus Circus. Yeah, it’s bad.”