China Captures Disney

Beijing, China – More than five years and five and a half billion dollars after first breaking ground, Walt Disney opened its first Chinese Disneyland on Thursday to crowds eager for a theme park that was “authentically Disney and distinctly Chinese.”

“So, for instance, our Small World ride is just China,” said a spokeswoman. “And most of it is a reminder that the people are firmly in charge and the people want less freedom and more restrictions. Then there’s about seventy eight minutes of little soldier dolls whipping political prisoner dolls. It’s so cute!”

“They’re destroying my childhood!” yelled a former child. “What? I’ve been saying that forever. Movie remakes, television reboots, and now a whole new ‘land’ in a different nation!” He shook his head, adding, “and I thought Euro Disney was traumatizing. No, I’m currently unemployed, why do you ask?”

The People’s Republic called the opening “happening”, “an event” and “the thing we just discussed.” We didn’t want to press the issue, as they seemed angry about something. We also didn’t want to ask what they were angry about, as it would anger them. Not to sound corny, but the whole experience really made us appreciate freedom.

“So, what’s the headline here?” asked a woman. “A theme park opened in another country? No, don’t get me wrong, it’s better than the ‘everyone is murdered’ stories. No, you know what? This is great. Thank you, it made me think of Disney and that makes me smile. Thank you.”