China Wins Future War, US Plans Insurgency

Washington DC – The Director of the US Defense Intelligence Agency disclosed new details of China’s space weapons programs last week, including information regarding China’s anti-satellite missiles and cyber warfare capabilities.

“So all the stuff we’re building right now won’t work,” concluded the General to Congress. “They’ll simply flip a switch and shut down billions of dollars of military equipment. But that’s not a concrete reason to cut our budget from one and a half trillion to one trillion. Remember, without us the people will rise up. Thank you.”

“Oh, we know what happens,” said a Chinese official. “We totally conquer the world, eliminate any dissenters and bring humanity to a golden age, where we evolve to transcend time and space.” He shrugged and added, “sorry.”

NASA called the Chinese space weapons “awesome”, “did you see how they put lasers on everything? So freakin’ cool” and “we are so dead.”

“In hindsight, we really shouldn’t have connected our spy databases with our website,” said a top CIA official. “But that’s what we get for hiring [nephew and graphic design major] Danny.” He lit a pipe and added, “there’s gonna be a lot of dead agents by weeks end. A lot of dead agents.”

Report filed by Editor at 12:01 pm