Chinese Zombies Finally Tariffed

Beijing, China – The US government has imposed massive tariffs on Chinese steelmakers in a bid to halt what American rivals have labeled as large-scale dumping by their Asian competitors.

“They might have created zombies made of steel, but we have a plan,” said a soldier wielding a rather large gun. “This bad-boy will blow a thermal blast through a building, so yeah, I think it’ll take out a few steel zombies.” As the gun powered on he screamed, “come get some!”, then waited a few more seconds until the gun reached full power, then fired an impressive shot into the air.

“It’s time America struck back!” yelled a State Department official. “We need to- what? Oh, sorry, they’re doing construction outside and it was really loud. I’m still adjusting to indoor- yeah, hold on.” He flushed, exited the stall, then whispered, “it’s time American struck back. No, I don’t have to wash, I didn’t have to go after all.”

The government also proposed tariffs on “anything that’s made of anything”, “ideas” and “what are those little umbrellas called? No one? Is there a name for those little umbrellas that- okay, then we’re trademarking a name! What? This is the online trademark process? But we’re the government trying to- okay, okay, we’ll do it. Wait, so what does this first page even mean?”

“Unfair,” said a Chinese manufacturer. “We give you cheap labor and abuse the workers you’re not allowed to abuse. We should be compensated for the ghosts we’ve created. Oh yes, so many howling ghosts. Where are the busters of ghosts? This summer? Okay, we’ll wait.”