Oxford, UK – An international group of experts has claimed cholesterol does not cause heart disease in the elderly and trying to reduce it with drugs like statins is a waste of time.
“Turns out we made a lot of assumptions we never should have made,” said a researcher. “I mean, like, a lot. In fact, we printed all of them out and put them in a room to show just how many we made. Wanna see it?” When we declined he added, “it kinda ruins the moment if you don’t go along with it. Come on, it’s right here. This is the door, right- hey, don’t just leave! Hey!”
“Oh, yeah, that’s not a thing,” said an angel in a dream. “The Lord put cholesterol as a fail-safe against kings living too long. He never envisioned a world where everyone ate and drank like kings.” After a long pause he added, “also, some of the presumptions you have about God are slightly off. Oh, time to wake up!”
The National Cholesterol Association called the finding “stupid”, “pension-killing” and “yes, we invested a lot of time building this organization and won’t have some eggheads in lab coats ruin it. We deserve success! We deserve it!”
“Eh?” asked an old man. “So I could have had steak after all these years?” He picked up his cane and added, “then you have taken joy from an old man. Shame on you. Hold on, I’m gonna Tweet this.” He then left a scathing tweet condemning modern science and called for better reporting on studies.