CIA Claims Saudi Arabia Had Nothing To Do With 9/11

Washington DC – CIA Director Brennan said that releasing the almost thirty classified pages from the 9/11 Commission report would be a mistake because they contain inaccurate, un-vetted information that could be used to tie Saudi Arabia to the 9/11 attacks.

“Those boys might have been from Saudi Arabia, but we can’t say that,” said a high-ranking CIA agent. “And to release official reports with facts that could pin Saudi Arabia to those Saudi Arabians who attacked us would be morally wrong.” She shook her head, adding, “so wrong. Now get out of here before we give you a free waterboarding. Oh, no, it’ll just come from me, not from the tax payer.”

“Everyone knows that a governmental body can’t produce a report in a few years,” said a Congressman. “I mean, that’s like saying we could get to the moon in three days! It just can’t happen. Ever.” He shook his head, adding, “now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to find suitcases of money, left by rich tobacco people after a deliciously expensive lunch.”

The CIA also claimed “the Zapruder film was an interesting suggestion”, “oh no, that was, like, three Castro’s ago” and “Canada is a myth. Trust us.”

“Why not just give the facts and let the chips fall where they lie?” asked a woman. “Wait, is it lye or lie? Wait, is lie and lie the same thing? To lie down and to not tell the truth? Huh. No wonder why we’re losing.”