CIA Scolds President For Not Restraining CIA

Washington DC – The former head of the CIA’s Clandestine Service says President Obama is waging the nation’s war against radical Islam in a far more brutal manner than his predecessor President Bush.

“The President had the audacity to order us to ‘do whatever it takes to keep America safe’,” said a former CIA member. “Doesn’t he know what monsters we are? How dare he give us a carte blanche when dealing with extremists! How could he not restrain us from brutal torture we’re trained to employ? He’s sick.”

“So you don’t want us to be tough on extremists?” asked a White House official. “Seriously, just tell us what you want us to do and we’ll do it. Yes, we’ll do it takes to get re-elected! No, we can’t do that. Nor that. Nope, definitely can’t do that. This is why we’re in the crapper. Yes, the stupid suggestions are a clear indicator.”

The Homeland Security called the accusations “amazing”, “someday, we’ll be told we’ve gone to far. Someday” and “now strip! No, we don’t have to tell you why. You’re going to do what we say or we’ll turn you over to the TSA. Cool, we’re getting closer to full evil!”

“I don’t think I can believe a former CIA agent who blabs about secret CIA activities to the press,” said an American. “So he’s saying the CIA not only engages in crimes against humanity but it’s the President’s job to stop them? I call shenanigans.”

Report filed by Editor at 12:01 pm