Washington DC – A State Department audit has concluded Democratic presidential candidate Clinton violated federal records rules through her use of a private email server while she was secretary of state.
“That’s a clear violation and will not be tolerated,” said a White House insider. “But, you know, the rules don’t apply to us. Just the poor. And remember who’s making the rules and keeping the poor down. That’s right: the rich. So let’s all get back to our jobs: yelling about the rich but not really doing anything meaningful.”
“What’s so wrong about conducting government business in secret?” asked someone from the candidate’s camp. “We don’t have to answer to you barbarians. We do, what we do, because you morons need us. So shut your mouth and go back to drinking very badly brewed beer.” That’s what we did, but only because we wanted to.
The State Department audit also found “we really didn’t help anyone in Egypt”, “we should have not gone into Vietnam” and “there are, like, tons of people missing. Is anyone on that? Why is everyone looking at us? Oh, right.”
“So what does this mean for the Presidency?” asked a supporter. “Are we going to jail or- oh, whew. You had me worried for a second. Right? The rules don’t apply to us. I keep forgetting. So weird, right? Shut up.”