Coffee Cleared Of Cancer

Paris, France – The International Agency for Research on Cancer (IARC) stepped down its classification of coffee as a possible cause of cancer, and says its fresh review of the evidence shows it’s not clear whether it does or not.

“Coffee is completely cancer free,” said a scientist. “So ignore what we’ve been hinting at and/or reporting for the past few decades. Unless we’re wrong. Oh, but, you know, there’s no way to follow up or call us out on our incorrectness, and even if there was, we’d say that’s what we concluded from our limited data, so to answer your question: yeah, we are sorta like gods just making up the rules as we go along. It’s awesome.”

“Damn it!” said tea lobbyist Ferdinand Schantz. “The whole point was to drive down coffee and restore tea to its rightful place in the drinkequium! It’s a word, don’t even start with me today about drinkequium. I said don’t start! Look, I’m going to give you a pass because we’ve worked together for so- that’s it! Knife attack!”

Other classifications were also degraded, including “airplanes as magic”, “fire as a reflection of God’s anger with mankind” and “the thing at the back of your throat. Yeah, we’re taking away its name, as it’s not important anymore.”

“So drink some coffee, kids!” yelled a teacher. “Drink it all! Why should I [expletive deleted]ing care? You obviously don’t care! It’s the end of school. Have some [expletive deleted]ing coffee you little [expletive deleted]ing [expletive deleted]s.” In the silence that followed she added, “is what you should never hear. Dismissed.”