San Francisco, CA – A computer security firm announced a computer virus and a computer virus had what amounts to virtual intercourse, resulting in a new computer virus.

“If you’ve used a computer in the past fifty years, chances are this new virus has all of your information and is currently on a spending spree at Best Buy,” said Cyber Command officer J. S. Sylvan. “Why? Because it’s buying more computers to infect, which, in turn, will buy more computers, until we all have to work at Best Buy to pay for the inventory. Diabolical.”

“The irony is, I rarely have the sex,” said programmer and New Republic Supreme Commander Ian Fernt. “So when my viruses do, it’s kinda depressing.” As he looked out the window he added, “hey, why are the cops outside. No, you trader!” He held up his hand and made a pinching motion before adding, “wait, I don’t have the Force. Run!”

The Internet released a statement which read “don’t sweat it”, “you’re not going anywhere. Addicts rarely do” and “yeah, we’re telling you right to your face: you’re an addict and too stupid to do anything about it. So…”

“So what does this new virus do?” asked a computer user. “Steal my credit card? Post embarrassing pictures to my Facebook? Ruin my credit? It does what? Destroy Iran’s infrastructure? How is that a bad thing?” He took a long sip of coffee before adding, “bastards.”