Congress Might Be Bad At Compromise, But Really Great At Failing

Washignton DC – Just about everyone in official Washington is in agreement that big across-the-board spending cuts at the Pentagon and throughout domestic federal programs on March 1 are a bad idea, but the warring factions in the nation’s capital seem more interested in finger-pointing than problem-solving.

“We’re not going to say who, but their party begins with an ‘R’ and ends with ‘epublicans’,” said an AP editor to his reporters. “So we need to get the word out: anyone who supports the party is a bigot, a racist, and a narrow minded jerk.” After a deep breath he added, “now get out there and make some news!”

“I’d like to do something, I really would,” said a Congressman. “But the second I cave in and compromise, the other side will see it as weakness and never give me a fair deal for the rest of my life. I’d literally lose on every negotiation until I die.” He straightened his tie, adding, “well, that’s not going to happen.”

The CIA called the impasse “a tough situation”, “we can capture and torture only a handful of these guys, the rest will surely escape” and “wait, they’re in charge of our budget? Oh. Well, just kidding on the capture thing. Just… kidding.”

“So… are you guys going to get to work, or…” asked a taxpayer. “Ummm, seriously, you guys should probably… if there’s a time to get to work it’s probably now.” He cleared his throat a few times before shouting, “why the hell am I paying your salaries? Get to [expletive deleted]ing work!”

Report filed by Editor at 2:28 pm