Court Finally Considers Gays As Humans

Washington DC – A divided US Supreme Court overturned the federal law that defines marriage as a heterosexual union, saying it violates the rights of married gay couples by denying them government benefits.

“Fine,” sighed a Supreme Court Justice. “We’ll let you be a ‘normal.’ But on a provisional basis! One demon child spawn and you’re all going into camps! What? Fine, omit that and just put ‘congratulations.'” After a long eye-roll he added, “what’s next, giving detainees rights? Ugh, don’t get me started.”

“Take that, Bush!” screamed a gay man. “That’s what you get for passing DOMA! What? Clinton? No, he’s a Democrat. They’d never do something like- hold on, who did ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell?’ No. No! Traitor! Kill the- ah, who am I kidding, I’m too happy to be mad today! Party!”

The Court also ruled “you can’t discriminate against a group of people”, “seriously, how many times do we have to tell you idiots? Seriously? Fine, then we’re telling you, yet again” and “don’t you dare bring this back to us, in any form. No discrimination. Got it? Why do we have the feeling you dolts are going to be back here next session, whining about the same thing? Because you’re idiots! Get out of here!”

“You know, I never considered them to be human,” said a straight man. “But now that the Court ruled they’re equal, well, I kinda realized, like, they’re just like us.” He shook his head before adding, “who knew, right? What a day.”