New York, NY – Experts claim ID theft has bounced back, reporting over seven and a half million Americans were hit with credit and debit card fraud in 2011, or about two million more than in the previous year.
“We will not rest until these thieves are brought to justice,” said a Federal Agent. As he pulled his feet off of his desk he added, “come on. I wasn’t being literal. Everyone needs to sleep, right? Then get out.”
“Who am I hurting, really?” asked an identity theft. “The big corporations who write off their crime? The people who are reimbursed? The big box stores who over charge for goods made overseas?” After a moment of thought he added, “I guess I am hurting all of those people, but what about me? Right? So… this is good. I donna, I really never considered the other people in the equation.”
The Center for Identity called the uptick in crime “a problem”, “no, we really can’t elaborate past that” and “we’re not the Center for Perspicacity, we’re the Center for Identity. Now, who are you? No, we don’t need any documents, just tell us. Oh, sorry, Mr. President!”
“That’s why I’m invisible,” said identity theft victim ‘Allan’ ‘Coats’ as he waved his hands around. “You can only hear me, right?” As the police officer shoved him in the back of the squad car he shouted, “so how did those showering women see me? Seriously, can you tell-” The rest of his sentence was cut off as the door was closed.
