Beijing, China – According to military officials, American troops sold two million dollars worth of weapons and combat gear, including assault rifles and night vision goggles to street gangs and to foreign countries, including China.
“We’re shocked that our own military would sell arms to our rival,” said a top US commander. “Not that they’re our rival. Well, they are now.” He lit a cigar and added, “look like it’s go time. We’re gonna- I know no smoking on the deck! I’m the commander, I should be able to- fine. It’s out. Happy? Jesus, just give me one moment.”
“How is that two million dollars worth of equipment?” asked a Marine. “It’s three guns and a pair of goggles. You guys are really paying way too much for gear.” He leaned over to pick up a rifle, split his pants and added, “damn it. Another fifty thousand dollar tailoring fee.”
Local Chinese gangs called the weapons “super awesome”, “now we can… wait, why do we need these things?” and “we can make fifty times more than the average American by investing in our emerging economy. Take that, regular gangs! We’re better than you! I donno, maybe a gang member in the Americas will read this and feel bad. Okay, if that’s your thought process then what’s the point of anything. Shut up.”
“We’re always selling weapons to crazy people,” said a White House official. “We gave Iraq guns. We gave Afghans guns. Hell, we gave certain African countries guns which are being used to carry out genocide. The point is, if we didn’t sell guns, we wouldn’t make money. Derp.”
