Unincorporated Area, CA – Authorities arrested a man suspected of killing his girlfriend yesterday by shooting a homemade cannon into a room of their remote California trailer home. “Classic cannon killing,” said a detective. “No one ever suspects they’ll be shot by eight hundred year old technology. Oh, trust me, [rookie partner Dylan] Rodgers, the ...

Windsor, SC – Authorities are searching for a convicted murder with an “extensive” criminal history who was accidentally released from custody while awaiting a court appearance in South Carolina. “We’re hoping he’ll find killing is easier in the poorer neighborhoods,” said a police official to the press corp. “Again, we’re hoping, note that I accented ...

New York, NY – Experts claim ID theft has bounced back, reporting over seven and a half million Americans were hit with credit and debit card fraud in 2011, or about two million more than in the previous year. “We will not rest until these thieves are brought to justice,” said a Federal Agent. As ...

Potenza, Italy – Italian police said they had seized about six trillion dollars of fake US Treasury bonds in Switzerland, and issued arrest warrants for eight people accused of international fraud and other financial crimes. “Sure, we’ve ‘seized’ six trillion in US bonds,” said a top Italian official. “And we’ll be sure to turn this ...

Miami, FL – The Department of Homeland Security trumpeted last night’s seizer of thirteen thousand dangerous hair dryers at the port of Miami. “We’ve saved millions of lives,” said a top DHS official. “Think of all the people who would have done their hair up, gone out to a bar and then been kidnapped, raped ...

Chicago, IL – Two police officers, allegedly thinking they were stealing more than five grand in cash from a drug courier, were arrested earlier this week after it turned out they were being tracked in an undercover sting. “Let this be a lesson,” said a top FBI agent. “Don’t forget who has more power: us. ...

Jonesboro, AR – Authorities report vials of E. coli bacteria found in the refrigerator of a apartment have been safely removed. “We’re not saying it’s terrorists,” said a local official. “We’re also not saying it’s super easy to make E. coli or to get into major water plants. We’re also not saying we have no ...

Moscow, Russia – A military court convicted a Russian officer of passing missile secrets to the CIA and sentenced him to thirteen years in prison. “You are hereby sentenced to ‘prison’,” said a scowling Russian judge as he banged his gavel. “And the court would like to enter into the record that ‘prison’ should be ...