London, UK – Traffic crawled into London today as the opening of the first Olympic Games lane coincided with an accident on the M4 and a suicide on one of the country’s key railway lines to create the ‘perfect storm‘ of travel chaos.
“We’re shocked that millions of travelers would cause this kind of traffic,” said a London official. “We figured they’d just kinda appear here, cheer for their side and then dissipate once the games are over.” He shook his head and added, “that’s the last time we listen to [Traffic official and former coma patient] Donald [last name not remembered].”
“Why is everyone driving into the city?” asked a man from his motorcar. “What kind of international event would draw such a crowd? No, I haven’t been listening to the news, I’ve been out of the country for the past seven years. It’s none of your business what I was doing. No, I wasn’t allowed to read the news or listen to the radio. Again, none of your business. So, why is there- hey, come back!”
The Traffic Advisory Board called the snarls “only the first phase in the six phases of traffic-related death”, “once you get to phase three, it’ll get slightly better” and “oh, yes, phase six is suicide, but that’s not our problem. Thank goodness we have the Mass Extinction Advisory Board.”
“I hope we get traffic reports every day,” said an American from his couch. “Nothing makes me happier than knowing other people are stuck in traffic.” He cracked a beer and added, “seriously.”