Washington DC – The Drug Enforcement Administration extended an apology to a University of California engineering student who was locked in a holding cell for four days and forgotten about.
“We’re super, super sorry,” said a DEA agent. “And yes, we’re more sorry that we were called out for forgetting we had people in custody.” He jumped to his feet and exclaimed, “oh no! That reminds me!” He side-stepped towards the door, adding, “I forgot I left… the stove on at the… jail… excuse me.”
“I thought it was weird he didn’t tweet after Fringe,” said close friend Mary Peior. “I mean, the show has taken some pretty interesting turns. Will they follow older Peter and his daughter in the dystopic future or return him to his timeline. Or another one? I mean, they better figure it out, sweeps is almost over- wait, I feel like I’m forgetting someone.”
Homeland Security called the apology “pointless”, “once you’re arrested, you have no rights. What ever happened to stripping a suspect naked, beating him and then stabbing him with something rusty?” and “that was back when the Patriot Act still meant something, damn it.”
“Why did they arrest him?” asked a Berkley student. “Because whatever it was for, I’m going to make sure I don’t do it.” He thought for a second and then added, “hey, I guess punishment is a deterrent. And all this time I was against the death penalty. Is there a jail where they let the public kill people? That’s weird.”