Devastating Earthquake Leaves Millions Unhurt, Unimpressed

Los Angeles, CA – Residents across Southern California were jarred awake early today by a five point one magnitude earthquake that rocked the region but left no significant damage.

“Wait a minute, wasn’t that [patio] chair over there?” asked a father as he pulled back the curtains in the family room. He fell to the floor and yelled, “no! When will it end? The senseless destruction- oh, waffles are ready?” He then padded into the kitchen and had waffles with his family.

“This is it! This is the big- oh, wait, it’s over,” said a USGS worker. “Man, why can’t we have the big one that destroys everything. Sure, society would collapse and millions would die, but we’d finally be right.” She stomped on the ground a few times, then whispered,” do it. Please. Let us be right.”

Residents in Northern California called the quake “a lie”, “the sole reason we identify as Northern even thought we’re in the same state and share a lot of the same verbal idiosyncrasies” and “yeah, we’re more focused on what brings us together than what tears us apart. We’re cool like that.”

“It’s a grim reminder of plate tectonics,” said Earth Science teacher Mr. Fulkerson. “Finals might be in a week, so let this be a lesson for all- no, Mr. Socha, the test won’t be canceled because of an earthquake. Rather, earthquakes will be on the test. Yes, groan all you want, but you’ll thank me in your adult life for all of this information. Probably.”