Antarctica – NASA revealed a satellite image of a pencil-thin line across the Pine Island Glacier which is than eighteen miles long, eight hundred feet across in places, and almost two hundred feet deep, which is growing.

“Oh no,” whispered NASA tech as he leaned closer to the monitor. “No, no, no! Get me Mulkousky on the horn, now! Sweet Jesus, if they escape who knows what they’ll do.” He pointed to our reporter and added, “and someone wipe that guy’s memory. We can’t have a leak!”

“Wait, we were right?” asked a global warming believer. “What the hell? It’s really happening? I was just doing this for attention, I mean, we’ve both seen the facts, they’re shoddy, at best.” She sat down before adding, “This is quite a shock. Who would have thought?”

National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA) called the picture “bogus”, “ever since the last shuttle, NASA’s been trying to hedge in on our territory” and “well stay out, you jerks! Sorry, that was a little aggressive. Hold on, we have some weed here, somewhere. Ah, here we go.”

“The Earth is splitting apart,” said a child. “And there’s nothing we can do.” He pointed to the ground and added, “see?” After a few moments he looked back up and added, “I’m just being silly. The Earth can’t do that. Don’t you know that?”