Doping Dopes Dupe Olympic Dopes

Lausanne, Switzerland – According to the International Olympic Committee a total of thirty one athletes in six sports tested positive in reanalysis of their doping samples from the 2008 Beijing Summer Games.

“The real winners were the dope sellers,” admitted an Olympic official. “Then the athletes, then the sponsors, then the fans. I guess, in the end, no one really remembers anything about the Olympics except the handful of genetic freaks who participated. And, let’s be honest, they’re going to fade into obscurity as well. Such is life.”

“So much urine,” said a shell-shocked dope tester as she rocked back and forth under her desk. “I can’t… yes, sir, processing, sir. Urine sample number one zero one one five three: positive. Yes, sir, processing, sir. Urine sample number one zero one one five five: positive. No sir, no urine sample number one zero one one five four. No, sir. Stop, sir, stop.”

The OLC hinted “we won’t have doping in this Olympics”, “we’re still considering the robot Olympics” and “we’re super excited about the thingy. Whatever, we don’t have to be concise here, these are simply hints, not facts. Ligers are real. That’s our hint. Ligers.”

“If I’ve learned anything from the 2008 Olympics, it’s to use drugs that they can’t detect,” said a European athlete. “Then I’ll probably win and that’s all that matters. Besides love. Oh, no, love really matters. Trust me, I’m an athlete.”