Jonesboro, AR – Authorities report vials of E. coli bacteria found in the refrigerator of a apartment have been safely removed.

“We’re not saying it’s terrorists,” said a local official. “We’re also not saying it’s super easy to make E. coli or to get into major water plants. We’re also not saying we have no idea how to stop home grown terrorists until it’s too late.” He took a deep breath and added, “we’re saying… ummm, things are just fine. Don’t sweat it.”

“Piece of cake,” said an officer. “We’re all safe from- what? Oh, that’s just ear blood. It’s from… ummmmmm.” He fell to the ground and managed to gurgle, “help” before finally lying still.

The CDC called the finding “a disaster”, “why do we have to find this stuff out by reading Drudge? Seriously, you guys need to call us when you find something like this” and “yes we’re serious. What did we just say that would lead you to believe we’re not serious? Seriously? Yes, that was serious too. What’s going on today?”

“How did they find it?” asked a reader. “Can they account for all of it? Who made it? Why did they make it?” He waited a long time before shouting, “you can’t just say they’ve found E Coli and then give me no other information! That’s… just mean.”