Space – Scientists say the newly discovered asteroid 2016 HO3 orbits the sun in such a way that the space rock never strays too far from Earth, making it a “quasi-satellite” of our planet.
“We totally knew that,” said a NASA official. “We just didn’t tell you because we were busy cleaning out our desks and begging for change at the stop light before the highway.” He held out his hand, adding, “spare some change? I can give you your astrology reading. Oh no, I… I can’t believe I’ve sunken this low. When did we give up on science? When!? Wait, when? Oh, yeah, the Kardashians really screwed up America.”
“This is all so sudden,” said a mood dweller. “We thought we were the only ones and now… well, it’s just hard to transition from being an only child to discovering you have a step brother. What? Oh, yeah, we colonized the moon in the late 90s. Yeah, I probably should have lead with that, but… all the feels, ya know?”
Scientists also claim to have discovered “a whole world that’s exactly like ours but the people are helpless babies”, “the only way to travel to this world is by boat” and “yes, we’re describing Europe. Zing? Zing.”
“Great, another mouth to feed,” said God. “Wait, what am I saying? I’ve given all of you- wait, are you recording this? I asked that this be off the record. Smite! Smite you all!” We then woke up and realized that we might have fallen asleep at our desk when writing this, and got a coffee.